Figure out how to do a quantum leap

I feel light, like I know pretty much where I’m going, and totally bored with all the angst, etc. I’m to the “rolling my eyes” stage of dealing with the stuff, and slowly but surely new areas of the house and storage are being revealed, the last one being the kitchen table, cleared for DH’s birthday celebration yesterday.

Etc.

Also, I really do NOT want to be someone else, have an entirely different life, or what have you. It’s like I said in my “allow myself” goal, I just want to fulfill my potential, NOT be someone else, just me, better.

I suppose that’s a quantum leap all by itself.

jkd

how about just a brisk walk? I’m stuck, apparently. Feet firmly planted in concrete, going nowhere.

Interestingly enough, my counselor talked to me about this last week. She said that although I’m frustrated with the “in between” times, which I see as nonproductive and self-indulgent, that healing is like that, it comes in waves.

And goes, I guess.

This isn’t waves. This is like _{low tide}, really really far out low tide. You know the ocean’s gone only temporarily, really you do, but it’s so easy to forget that it’s temporary, because it just seems to not be there at all….

Or, another way to say it, I’d guess is that my resistance to change increases as the time comes when I have fewer and fewer reasons to still be acting on the old crapola. I’m still wondering wtf I do next if after all the work it’s for naught? Or wtf I do if I don’t have to fight? Or wtf I am if I’m not fighting?

I don’t know.

I do know I’m really, really bored. I’m tired of the endless stream of books I need to get rid of. I’m tired of all the crapola in the house. I’m tired of fighting the same uphill battles with myself.

jkd

determined that I’m gonna get a boatload of stuff done, and get only part of it done…

It’s very frustrating! I don’t know if this is just me, or if others do this too? Today I raked, went to the dump, made dinner, put dishes away, went grocery shopping, picked up photos, talked to tax people (twice), and moved a few shovel fulls of dirt from the end of the wall to where the daffs are being transplanted. I wasn’t just twiddling my thumbs or playing games on the net all day, but here it is 10 pm, I’m going to get ready for bed, and I feel like I got nothing done!

Ah well, tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I have to go to the storage, go to the counselor, go to the bookstore, make bread, and (hopefully) go swimming!

Beyond that, I should find out rates for advertising the up and coming yard sale, write a letter for the convention I’m working for, write the membership letter for the gallery I volunteered to do, mail a whole bunch o’ stuff, quote someone a price who asked me to work, yard work, get rid of a box of books, get more of the dirt from the part of the yard that’s coming down to where it’s going, rake, transplant the rose bush I dug up today, and fake some kind of platform for the new plant holder out front.

And….

jkd

of my house into a home.

The notion that we can CHANGE THINGS TO SUIT US beyond paint, furnishings, and some other basics is something that neither DH nor I are used to. We were both raised in abusive sorts of households. You don’t fuss, don’t agitate, don’t demand, don’t ask. You get what you get, and you’re lucky to have that…etc.

So transforming our kitchen into something which suits US, rather than as it was built, which doesn’t, is significant!

I feel like writing “Carpe Diem!” in neon red spray paint several feet high on the outside of the house. I won’t, but the impulse exists.

Maybe I’ll just put on Les Mis instead or Aida or Rhapsody in Blue? Any one of which is hepped up music for me and I’ll rush about here humming, measuring like a crazy seamstress and gathering today’s donations for the Dump Gods.

The end of 50 some odd years of repression is heady stuff. Watch out!

jkd

and apparently, I forgot to save it, as it isn’t here!

What I said was that I’ve been focusing on the next step and not on where I want to ultimately go. I have a book, Life Makeovers that has a “to do list” every week. I understand that I need to measure the distance gone and not how far it is to the goal, but I need to know what the goal is too!

The 1st week’s tasks are to list your 5 most important accomplishments and 3 ways you’ve grown in the past year.

My answers were something like these:

That I fought my way out of the stuff I was given and continue to fight still.

That I learned to write decent nonfiction.

That I have managed to not destroy my marriage with destructive behavior.

That I try to use my hard-won experience to help others, and sometimes it works!

That I am not embittered, antisocial, psychopathic, enraged, or numbing myself/abdicating responsibility for my life with alcohol, drugs, religion, money, social stature, intellectualism or whatever.

The three things that I am the most proud of in the past year:

Seeing my sister for the person she is, and understanding that my family is toxic for me, and to be avoided.

Admitting that I’m a “stress addict” and need to learn to manage my stress just like an alcoholic or any addict.

Getting where I can actually set aside my family and past enough to get things done that make my life better, even if it’s only for a little while still.

Then I talked about where I wanted to go, what my goal really is?

I want to be a mature human being, not wounded by my kid shit.

I want to integrate my past and my present and create a future for myself that acknowledges where I’ve been but is NOT built solely as a reaction to where I was.

I want to push myself to do something in DEPTH, something that except for healing myself, I’ve never done.

I want a home, like a beloved book, dogeared, corners bumped, hinges loose, but cherished, and comfortable. I don’t want a collector’s piece, something expensive, the envy of others, uncomfortable or so clean you can’t use it.

I want a home that reminds me of velvet, cinnamon, cider, and flowers. Sunlight streaming through windows, comfort and warmth. Quirky, interesting, slightly shabby perhaps, but mine. The shabby is a requirement as I don’t want to be obscessive about putting my feet on the table or putting something down out of place.

I want to be a regular and relaxed hostess. I love to cook, although I’m not a great cook, but merely an adequate one. I want to be able to have a party without the previous, invisible guest who always attended: my sister, always judging, never satisfied, always superior.

I want a home that fits me like a snuggle and warm socks.

Judith

(Addenum: I want to be the person that has created that warm spot for myself and others and lives there, joyously!) 5/5/08

I like DH, and some of the books….and a few of the doo-dads…

But the rest has to GO!

I’ve had it with being _me... Judith … blah-blah-blah … too many problems, too much angst … too much!

So, who else can I be? If you’ve a candidate, I’ll consider it, really!

Excuse me, I have to go. A sweaty, lycra-clad guy person just came back from his bicycle ride and…and…accosted me!

Forget everything above OK? _{Shhhhhhhhhhh.}

[I’ll stay Judith, honest!]

jkd

getting rid of the extra books IS a quantum leap. I have had so many and am now on the edge of getting rid of most of them, that there’s part of me that’s getting…

nervous? antsy? uneasy for sure.

I have no idea who I’ll be without all of the various forms of defensive structures around me: the rage engine, the “I can’t” chant, the camoflauge, the hypervigilence, etc.

For all that I thought I had no defensive mechanisms, it ends up I had many small ones that interlocked and kept me safe, rather than a single defensive structure.

I take one apart/down or muffle it, and there’s another!

I wonder if I’ll ever finish this stupid process sometimes?

[I sure hope so!]

But getting rid of the books is a huge step for me. There’s part of me that wants to cry, another that wants to shout, and a third that just wants to dive in and remember my old friends and make new ones. It’s rather like packing up to move out of your childhood home, or perhaps that’s exactly what it is?

Gee. I wonder what I’ll be like as an adult?

jkd

did I do the quantum leap that means I’m not doing the frenic “performance art” I talked about here in July, but I really did already do this in at least one other way.

When I was in the mental hospital and got “scared straight,” I started revamping myself. I deliberately removed myself from things that affected me I couldn’t control (religion, creativity, moving my face much when I speak, forgetting my dreams, and learning to think in words, almost anything in depth, etc.), many of which I’ve discussed here. So, I did do a quantum leap at least once, and maybe twice already.

That means:
1)the things that I did I can undo, a huge part of my present goals.

2)I did this once, I can do it again.

3)I can figure out how to tackle the new things. I did it originally with little, if any help, guidance, and/or collaboration. None of that is true now. I can ask for help, and get it.

Okay. (Ulp!)

I’m still not sure what the next step is? But I do know one thing, I can almost certainly do whatever is needed, and I’ll find a way. I always have.

Also, I know this: that I could not do this before because I was simply spinning in one place saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” and no, that never accomplishes anything except wearing out the floor perhaps. (If you’re really good at self-deception, it can be used instead of any kind of real action. My speciality. I yabber something to death rather than DO something about it. Sigh.)

jkd

and stuck.

I’m looking at the core of myself. That part of me that I protected and kept safe from harm for years. I need to let her heal and grow…and I have no idea how to do this.

I don’t know how to tell her she’s safe, so she’ll believe me. I don’t know how to nurture her so she’ll heal. I never had parenting, and I’ve never been a parent. I have no belief system that says “It will be all right.” or that there’s someone else who will take care of me/the problem.

So, how do you fix an unknown problem which requires skills for which you have no model? This is just like running the business was at the end…I knew it didn’t work. I didn’t know how to fix it, and I’d spent years trying this or that trying to, and it still didn’t work.

If ever I needed a quantum leap, it’s now. And I have no faith that I’ll get one.

So now what? I have no idea.

I’m not hurting, I’m frustrated. I’m so close….

jkd

Well, sort of, in a very slow way.

This weekend at Readercon, I remembered myself…years ago I was frentic and spoke loudly and fast.

I ran into two very talented people who’re sort of the kind of performers I used to be, and I found it exhausting, familiar, and ultimately unattractive. I kept wanting to say, “Hey slow down, trust a little, it isn’t so bad…” but I only hold out hope for one of these people, still in his late 20s or early 30s. The other is only a few years younger than I, and I think there’s no way…

It made me realize how very, very far I’ve gotten. I used to cry because I wasn’t “normal” and maybe I got there?

And, believe me, from where I started, that’s a quantum leap!

Or, is this simply maturity? Dunno. But I sure am not there any more. I remember being that scared of others, trying to talk faster before they’d leave, having to be witty, snide, and entertaining….

I remember doing that, for years.

I don’t want to be boring now, but I’m not doing performance art like that any more either!

jkd