come out of the closet

leslie went to pride.
gayyy pride.
the festival and the parade.

i am proud of myself.
and my family knew i went.
thats big to me.

[:

so yeah.
and i didnt even get sunburnt!!
i took care of myself.
and got alot of free shit.
met some people.
no one i really cared for.
but yeah.

it was a nice expirience.
hopefully next year it will be more thrilling.

muah.

ok so HONESTLY i dont call myself a lesbian.
nor am i straight.
so bi…?
i suppose. but that just sounds desperate to me.
its not that i am confused.
i just like qualities of both.
i am a girl, so i know alll about them.
and i like that.
they can be sweet, and gentle.
but girls are bitches. i know this.
they can be beautiful.
or they can be masculine, ya know.
i dont have a problem with either.

guys are just ass holes. lets keep it at that for now.

but that makes sense right?
it does to me.
maybe its just my mentality now.
but yeah..

please just dont label me.

After 4 months since I posted my first comment for this goal, I have not major progress in my goal. I have had times where i wanted to come out and tell my family and my friends, but never at the best time to do so. I had my mom sit down because I was going to tell her, but as I was going to speak, an arguement between my mom and dad errupted. I decided to not tell her after the “fight” cooled down and walked away. My mom also completely forgot I was going to tell her something. So close! Since then my will to come out had regressed, and lost the will to say anything.
I have regained some of my strength though. I realized it has to be done. Its too much of a burden. My school year is over soon, and all I want to do is tell at least one person and ease SOME of the pain. It has really eaten me up, I can’t look at my friends and family in the same way as I used to, I constantly think “I wonder what they’d think of me being a homosexual”.
I understand that this shouldn’t be rushed out but I feel as if this may be the right time, but I am not strong mentally. Confusion and thoughts have clouded over my mind and I do not know I should do this (right now). I do not know what to say or do when I come out, who to tell first, how to approach them, etc. I do not want to be treated as a “minority”, (That might not be the best word) I want to feel like an person.
Please if anyone has any tips, suggestions, or things to say to me, please do. It would be appreciated greatly!

so i’m not one to post a personal add, especially respond to one. but i was super bored at work the other day, so i was just browsing for the hell of it. and there was this one that someones friend posted for his friend, he was a flamer himself, ha and so i just emailed him, then what not. so i found her on myspace and just causually messaged her, without commenting on the add, since she didnt know about it… or some shit.
i am just looking for a friend right now.
i mean i am kinda with taylor again…
but just having a friend, i think that would be realy nice.
especially a lesbian friend, i could reallly use one of those right now, since i got ditched by mother fucking elizabeTh.
hoe.

haha
more like i am the hoe, but whatever.
its all gravy.

good night loves.

maybe i should just stay in there…

all the girls just keep fucking me over.

the pain isnt worth it….

sisters:..eh kinda…

shelby doesnt have a problem with it, i just think it kinda makes her a little uncomfortable because she thought she knew her sister so well ya know.
but.. yeah.

erika found out as well… didnt say much. i think she thinks it still a ‘stage’.

kirby just wants me to be happy for sure.

taylor doesnt think i am anymore. she just thinks i am an attention seeking whore.
thanks taylor. really.

the thing is, I am semi out of the closet. As in, if you ask me I will probably tell you. My parents know and everything, I told them when I was 15. They accepted it and still love me very much, I am 20 now. Most of my really close friends know, but also some strangers I guess. The only think I really want to do is be more open about my sexuality. I feel like I have to hide it sometimes or like I cant talk about it openly with people. To add to that, I think its just hard for me to meet girls. I am a woman, but I never know how to approach women really. Plus, everyone tells me that they would have never suspected me to be bi. Its also not a joke or anything because I tell them yes, I am equally attracted to both males and females. I havent had sex with a man, well, I have but it was always ridiculously quick I cant even say I felt anything. There was the first girl that I kissed, she really and honestly did make me feel like I was in heaven. I thought and still think she is beautiful although im sure she couldnt be bothered with hearing that now. Anyway, shes the only girl Ive ever been romantically and sexually attracted to and I so badly want that again. There is a girl in my life now, she does do a lot for me, but Im just not attracted to her in the way I want. I want to have butterflies in my stomach like I had with the first girl I was with. I miss the feeling so much. Its hard because sometimes a girl will look at me and I wonder what is she thinking? I wonder if she likes women? I wonder if shes in the closet? All of these things float through my mind but I dont ask. Im frustrated because I want to meet more girls, but I feel like that wont happen until I fully accept myself and not be scared to post my pic on a lesbian website, or be comfortable and a lesbian bar and feel confident enough to walk up to a girl and talk to her or dance with her. I guess I just get to feeling so shy and I dont know what to do, I dont know if the girls like me, although I am very attractive, theres a lot of things, but Im going to try to tackle one at a time. I guess the first thing to do is just be myself, be open about what I like and not be scared of someones opinion of it. Secondly, I will have to just be more open, stop trying to hide out, and just show who I am. For instance, if I were to go to facebook or myspace right now and change my info to say that I was bi, im sure some girls would try to talk to me, hopefully attractive ones. Im tired of only being half attracted to someone, it really just doesnt work. The sex is not that great, your eagerness to be with them isnt there. I feel like I am pretty and sweet and I want someone who has the same qualities. Maybe Im over thinking this whole thing. I guess where this starts is just being myself. Dressing how I want to, going where I wanna go and just expressing myself however I’d like to. I think i worry too much about what my parents would say if i walked out in something crazy cool I think theylll judge me or not say anything its just hard when you feel like you cant break free of anyones judgements, but their judgements only matter if I tell myself that they do. I really am a unique person, and I dont want to change who I am, I just want to be able to love and accept it.

i am actaully starting to get over taylor.. i really think so.

so i hooked up the this girl, yesi.
2nd girl i’ve ever done stuff with.

and it was completely different from taylor.
i am learning!!
haha
it was quite enjoyable though.
she was very nice.
so i guess not everyone is like taylor. i really shouldnt be so judgemental.
but i was nice.
made me happy.
havent told taylor yet, but i have to reason to.
yesi is going back to pasedena the end of this week.
shes only her for work.
so it will be a while before i will get to see her after this.
but i do think. so no worries. shes cool. i’m cool. we’re just cool.
ha.
but i am seeing her tonight. but i am not staying with her this time.
i really dont want to seem that desperate, cause i am really not.
but yeah.
different day, new expirience.

but i am proud of myself.

[:

as long as i can remember i always liked looking at girls.
boys just never really interested me.
i knew i was ‘suppose’ to go with them cause thats what all my sisters did.
but i never really had a boyfriend til like 8th grade.
and even that was bull shit.
since then i have cheated on every boyfriend i have ever had. mainly because thats a good reson not to be together right?
but dont think of me as a whore or anything.. i swear i am not.
i am really shy and wont come onto anyone. its just when i am in a relationship i want to get out of it, i am not in it for me in the first place. i like to make people happy. i try not to worry about myself so much..

then taylor came in the picture around… 2006.. maybe 2007..
dont really remember. i am going to go with 2007 just for the sake of it.
so her i am .. white girl, that will do anything for anybody. and here is this dyke bitch..mm sexy… but she was also always fucked up, drunk, barred out, high… everything. and thats what i think drew me towards her. because we were completely different. i brought her home one night. she was so fucked up she couldnt even tell me where she lived so i could drive her home. so we get back to my house. about to fall asleep. but me always being curious finally spoke up for the first time in my life…’if nothing happend, i am going to be pissed’.... wow. thats deep for leslie.
also at the time i was dating a older black guy..yeah i know right.. what?! ha
so she just basically started making out with me. shit i enjoyed it…
she obviously did too, every night after that she would come home with me. then about the 3rd night we were just laying in bed , about to go to sleep and she started talking.. just tellling me her life… like wow…. all about divorced parents, drunk mom, shit covered house, poor, stealing, hungry.. everything i have never had to deal with. and then she started talking about me.. being able to tell how i feel, lost and lonely even though i have a loving family but never felt like i fit in, just stuff like that. it was soooo close to home i started crying. and other than my family i never have cried in front of people, i just couldnt do it.. but i was seriously balling. she just held me from that point on…

she eventually moved in with me at my parents house. under circumstances of course. my parents knew she was gay, knew of few family problems, and drug habbits. but all she had to do was take out her lip ring and she was ok.
my mom is like me, always wanted to help those in need.
taylor was in need.
i really tried to help her.
my family didnt know for a year…
by sisters finally found out after serious fight that were ongoing between me and taylor.
physical fights.
my mom knows now…
but dad CANNOT know. just not accepting.

but me and her arent ‘together’ anymore.
even though she has her own room she sleeps with me.
she needs me.
i am her habbit. but i know she is sneaking around.
i wish she could just accept the fact that i dont want to be with ther anymore.

i want more expiriences.
i have started being more open. everyone at work knows…

so thats the only girl i have been with..
but i am just more attracted to girls anyways.
i am happy being with a girl, thats for sure..

i have talked to other lesbians.. shit, half of my employees are gay.. haha ironic… not really [;
but i just dont know how to put myself out there.
i am not trying to just go around.
i really want to find happiness.
i dont care what people have to say.
i want to finally make myself happy for once and do what i want to do…

we’ll see where life takes me…

too much pressures from fucking dumb ass people that dont understand.

thanks guys.

really.