In 2010, I was about 30 pounds overweight, partly due to an injury that kept me sedentary for six months, partly due to an extremely stressful job, and long commute, and partly due to (this may sound silly) but not really knowing how to exercise: I hadn’t really been to the gym and was afraid of going.
My then-fiance was fit and toned; his job required it. It must have helped also that he was naturally thin, because he ate terribly and didn’t go to the gym that much. In retrospect I realize that he put a lot of subtle pressure on me to go to the gym—but I didn’t think too much of it until in Dec. 2010 he came out and told me explicitly that he was attracted to thinner women.
I was stunned, because it never occurred to me that my looks were a problem for him: I didn’t care what he weighed as long as he was healthy—and also as I’d been overweight from the beginning; I hadn’t put the weight on after meeting him. And my previous boyfriend had loved the way I looked.
I’d just moved and started up a new job a month ago and things were very stressful.
I was humiliated. I bought a gym membership. It took me another few months to get up the courage to start going, but in April 2010 I did. I went religiously 2x a week for four months. The classes were very intense—but the weight didn’t come off. I really needed to learn to exercise at home so I could do it every day, but I was new to fitness and didn’t realize that.
Three months later, my fiance left. He told me that one of the reasons was because he wasn’t physically attracted to me. I’ve never felt so hurt and so humiliated in my life, especially since I was working on losing the weight. He never regretted his decision or came back. It was for the best; I went on to meet a much kinder, sweeter man.
But it still hurts, what my ex said. I don’t want to be fat any more. I’ll never see my ex again, so it’s not about him—it’s just wanting to succeed at what I started. Wanting to be healthy, and feel good, and care about myself. I have to do it for me.
A year and a half later, I’ve kept going to the gym; I’ve never quit. I’ve lost 10 lbs but I seem to be stuck there…it’s been hard to lose the remaining 20.
For the next few months, I want to exercise every day, even if it’s just a 10 minute walk. So that’s my new goal. 7 months ago