I find it’s much easier to forgive the past (and sometimes even forget, at least for awhile). I haven’t found myself dwelling on the pain of the past much these days, which was the whole point of this goal. I may still have some bad to release, but that comes with life and time.

Presence is key. 6 months ago

is not an emotion, it’s a choice.

_{Or so says the church sign on the side of the highway.}7 months ago

I’m in a bad place right now.

Yesterday I heard a song. A very happy song that made me think of my mother. I looked out the window toward her home, just a few miles from where I sat, and was filled with every negative emotion, from anger to sadness.

This morning I saw a body being removed from the bushes outside my office window. A dead person. It was very surreal. I still have no idea what happened. I just saw police officers and EMTs and firemen lift a body with a sheet, wrap it in white, and take it away. What bothers me the most about the whole thing is that it didn’t really bother me. After a few minutes I went on with my day as if nothing happened. It’s as if I’ve been desensitized. I feel numb. Except I’m too consumed with other emotions to actually feel numb.

R is sick today. He tells me he has the flu and that his doctor says it will pass in 24 hours. I don’t believe him. Or maybe I do. Regardless, it seems too much like old times. It’s drudging up feelings in me that I don’t want to harbor. I’m reacting instead of acting. I’m resentful.

I don’t know where else to turn. I looked for other outlets but this was the only one available to me at this moment I wasn’t afraid of.

I wish I could breathe. Physically and emotionally. 7 months ago

to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

I’ve never had a stellar relationship with my mother, but things got even worse after she moved out of my dad’s house. With the exception of a voice mail I received earlier this week, I haven’t heard her voice since Christmastime. For the most part, the only correspondence I’ve received from her are a few text messages and a cold, sterile birthday card over the past eight months. I reach out to her but she doesn’t respond. She thinks I’ve chosen my dad over her. No matter how hard I try, she doesn’t understand that I love her, too.

In my mom’s voice mail, she mentioned the fact that she’d heard about R’s health issues through my grandparents. Meaning that she knows I’ve talked to my grandparents. I might not be the best at staying in touch with them but, aside from immediate family, I make the effort to call them more than any other family members on EITHER side of my family. Keeping that in mind, my sister and I both just received the following text from my mom:

“sorry2bugu with this short-notice reminder:Grandpa’s BDay is Wed. I know he’s not [part of your dad’s family], but he is still ur family. I’M sending 1 card ‘from us’ fyi.”

Now, my sister and I fully intended on sending a card of our own. Just like we did for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and their anniversary (last week). Not to mention the fact that we sent my mom a birthday gift a couple of weeks ago, too.

This pisses me off. My mother, her mental illness, the divorce, the strained family ties, the hurt, the lack of love… it all really sucks.

Deep breath out.

And I must let it go. 8 months ago

I had a conversation about the past that usually would’ve riled up my emotions and launched me into an angry funk. This time I was mostly OK – I felt sad for a moment and then acknowledged that the past event didn’t matter anymore, and I moved on with my day. 8 months ago

sitruunapuu posted a very inspirational entry about taking away, and not adding, to become one’s true self.

So often we think about what we need to change, when the better goal may be to eliminate or simplify. I think that applies here, too. If I try to rid my life of negative thoughts and energies (or, as my dad put it yesterday, try to become a more “half-full person”), I might like what I find. Oh-so-easier said than done. 11 months ago

Everyone’s fighting their own battles.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Well, only if you learn from the past.)

Pain is relative. I just watched Crazy Stupid Love for the first time last night. Spoiler Alert: Cal’s co-workers think he has cancer but are relieved to find out he’s just getting a divorce. My heart resonated with Cal. He felt devastated by his loss, though everyone else seemed to think it wasn’t so bad. (By the way, I was skeptical about the movie at first but I LOVED it by the end. I love real love stories.)

Life will go on if you allow it to do so. 11 months ago

and if you do, no matter how in love you think you might be, sign an f-ing prenup.

(If you’re reading this, please say a prayer for or send a good vibe to my dad. He needs it tonight. And, apparently, for the next 15 years.) 11 months ago

I just came across this article, Grief Has No Closure on the Huffington Post. And though it speaks specifically to death and loss, it really struck a chord with me in regards to this goal. 11 months ago

_{Deleted my old post. Very much appreciate the kind words and support of this dear 43T community, but I now find myself extremely lost and confused. I feel as if I’m taking actions without first consulting my brain… including the writing of this post and everything that followed. Must figure things out somehow… eventually…}12 months ago

that in order to let go of the bad, you must also let go of the cause of that bad. Even if it’s not so bad anymore. Sigh. 14 months ago

Feeling plagued by some bad events that tainted some otherwise good memories. Feeling a bit resentful. Unsure of how to let go of the bad and hold on to the good. Determined to find a way. Or at least to dull the bad and focus on the good. 18 months ago