I have already done this, not once or twice but over and over again throughout my life. It feels like a constant struggle to stay on the positive side of things.

I hate this feeling – or is it K pushing these feelings on to me again through this energy thread? I don’t know but it is messing with my life. 10 months ago

will never work, she can not give me what I need, she pushes for more and more, asking me to give in more and more, and give me nothing in return, she can;t listen to what my needs are, and doesn’t really care. Why am I subjecting myself to this? Chris said just the other day. He makes a good point. Why am I? Guilt because of her upcoming operation, perhaps. I thought we could have a fun summer but it is turning out not to be so much fun.

I don’t want to do all the things she wants me to especially when she won’t do anything that I am asking.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. I don’t feel like pursuing this relationship any more. I don’t want to come in second in any relationship any more. That is why I did not want to date anybody with young children. I know what it is like. Nobody loves your children as much as you and the other parent does. I am sure it can happen when that person has a large open loving heart. I openly admit that I do not want to make sacrifices for another persons children at this point in my life. I do not want to attend soccer games/field hockey/softball/plays every day after work. She may want to go to every game. My parents never went to one of my games. I tried to go to a few of my kids games but I did not go to all the games and I am being honest to say that I don’t want to go to every game that ll three of her children have. I do not want to run around town chasing her children until 8 and 9 o’clock every night. I have already done that.

I initially did do this. I did go to her kids games and my kids were upset with me that I am doing more for her children than my own. That is hard to explain to say the least but then when I told her I have a cat allergy and can she do something about the cats when I am sleeping over. I can’t breathe. I asked about 4 or 5 times. I eventually stopped sleeping over there. This has been a big argument. I went on to say that I asked her over and over to do something about the cat and she did nothing. I don’t feel valued here. Yet she keeps pushing me to do more for her and her kids.

Sorry but I am not a sucker for punishment anymore. 12 months ago

it helps me get organize, realize where i need to focus more attention and recognize my accomplishments.

I breathe easier after I update here. I have been away too long thinking I haven’t had time but I really think this is a necessity for clarity and to decompress. 12 months ago

there is not one ounce of stress in my body today. I have no class to study for, the next four days off, my health is well, the girls are coming to visit tomorrow, five books next to my bed to read, a long list of things to accomplish over the next 6 weeks and a ton of motivation to do so. Life is good!

Albeit I am having the same old relationship issues yet again. Why the hell do I do this myself. Should have left it where it was. 13 months ago

too stressed these days.

on another note, K… somehow is back in my life, bit my bit by bit she somehow wiggles her way back in. I realize that I like her more when I do not have to watch her children be disrespectful towards her. I have a hard time respecting somebody who does not respect themselves. Difficult. 13 months ago

I went to the movies last weekend alone, The Hunger Games. Pretty good movie. Tonight I saw 21 Jump Street another pretty decent movie.

I stayed around after work on Saturday morning and chatted with Michelle for about an hour then snuck over to the control center and chatted with Bob and Jerry for another hour and a half. I had a good time and I left feeling connected with friends. We made a date for dinner and drinks at the Pour House next month after I finish school.

I added a status on my facebook account, which I never touch but once in 6 months, (if that) and had many old friends comment. As I was updating, an old friend messaged me back. I told him to give me a call sometime and the phone rang not 5 minutes later. We caught up with each other and made plans to have lunch in the summer the next time he comes up here.

I was left feeling a lot less alone than I did before. I know that I don’t have to feel alone in this stage of down in the dumps without K in my life the way she used to be but it does and will take some work. That is the hard part, when you are down in the dumps you don;t feel like doing the work. I am proud of the fact that I did do some of that work this week.

I made a list of things I wanted to get done this week but that mild depression kinda still gets in the way. It will come. I will get there just not right this second. I need to find that book again that I read the last time I got depressed. I think the more often this happens the better I am at bringing myself out of it. I am the master of my emotions. Well I am at the least much more aware of them and controlling them.

More to come. 14 months ago

I had my talk with K yesterday. I cried a lot. I learned a few things about myself. I still feel the same, this is not the relationship for me. I love her, but more like a friend then a lover. I miss her tremendously. Miss doing things with her but I can’t be friends with her. She doesn’t know how to ‘not’ cross the line. She always pushes it. ALWAYS!! and that will never work.

Thanks. 14 months ago

80 and sunny, all I want to do is go out, but I need to study and I would put that off to be outside but K is going to want to come over tonight and hang out. I can not do homework while she is hanging out here, she will want to do something.

I hate how this relationship constantly leaves me torn. 15 months ago

I am very anxious because I am away from work. It feels like work is what drives me. I am sitting around here waiting for the time that I can go back to work.

WORK SHOULD NOT BE MY LIFE!! I don’t want it to be. I can go out but the idea of going out leaves me paralyzed. Where do I go? What will I do when I get there? Alone? And do what? Why?

Then I sit on my couch. Unable to do anything.

This feels like a major step back for me. Perhaps there has been too many changes in the very short past, new job, changing department, changing shifts, kids moving out, operation. Lots, and K is just an added factor.

Perhaps it is time to see a therapist again. 15 months ago

because I don’t have a lot of commitments or responsibilities in life right now, I seem to drag my feet doing things. I don’t have a lot of fun things planned so it is not like I have to get the house cleaned quickly or the laundry done right now, I can watch tv or listen to music, the laundry can get done later. Then when it really needs to be done I have a reason to hurry.

I would think that this is a good thing but I find it leaves me feeling less productive. I am hoping by making more plans in my life, I can and will get more done. 15 months ago