I don’t know. We’ve been in an on/off relationship for seven months. I am unhappy a lot of the time, it seems like we fight over the same things over and over again. But it’s mainly about contact, which seems kind of stupid. Still. We have a few dates planned, and I like the reassurance of seeing the future planned out for the next six weeks at least. Long distance does not work for me at all, I have to say.

I just want it to be different, but when I’m asked, I don’t actually know what it is that I want. So how can he know, huh? Gah!!!! 6 months ago

I don’t know, it feels so odd. We’ve been genuinely trying to make it work for the last four months. It’s not easy, and I have some issues to explore. There is a very strong bit of me that wants to end it. I’ve been thinking about this, and I think it’s because I think that it will NOT work out, and I want to get the pain over and done with. But that’s hardly giving it a genuine chance, is it?

Equally, I’ve been reading some of our emails last night from a few years ago, and that hurt too.

So maybe I’m not being fair. I find it hard to trust, to genuinely try this out. But I do have very strong feelings for him, I think it’s love. And he has been trying hard. But….but. He lies about small things, it drives me mad. He’s moody and does a dance between intense and detached.

And I’m pretty horrible at relationships too – I’m needy and demanding and difficult. Gah. No real point to this post, just to say that we are trying, but it’s hard for me. I’m not happy a lot of the time, but I’m pretty sure that’s my own making. 9 months ago

I’m okay having Paul in my life. I just want an easy weekend, no stress, no muss, no fuss. I am so tired and need a break from everything to rejuvenate and recharge my batteries. 10 months ago

I think. He got in touch yesterday, he’s been ill. I think I might have over-reacted, but I’m not sure. I am ridiculously glad that it didn’t end in such a stupid way, but we’ll see what happens next. Trying to be honest here, and not sweep things under the carpet (which is always very tempting). 10 months ago

Weird, he’s not speaking to me at all – but this morning he logged on to MSN for the first time in about 8 months/a year. Stayed online for ten minutes, then logged out. I just have it automatically open on my PC. Do you think he was seeing if I would say something? I know it’s meaningless, but it jarred me. I’ve been restless all day since then, checking my phone for messages. I need to go back to turning it off and putting it away. 10 months ago

Despite everything, I felt okay yesterday. Which was a huge relief. I think it was because I felt that I’ve made so much progress in other areas, that I felt that I could focus on me.

Even more than that, I’ve turned my phone off and left it at home, so I can’t pick up texts, calls and emails all day. HUGE breakthrough to be honest, because I am not constantly checking (and being disappointed). I love the fact that small changes will make a huge difference. Just finding out what that is, and doing it. So yeah, day 3 of no contact. Didn’t cry yesterday, huge step forward. Walked and walked and walked so much too.

I’m also stopping reading guides on breaking up etc. I just get confused and over think things. For the next week I’m going to focus on no contact and working on other stuff: gym, weight loss, work, myself, friendship. Being busy and determined.

I do think he will get in touch with me. I originally thought that in about a week I would drop him an email to test the waters. But now I’m thinking why would I do that? Why would I open the door to deliberately being hurt? So he can not answer? I don’t know. Anyway, ten days of no contact is the first hurdle to get through. To get used to not getting loads of texts, emails and calls each day, and to realise that I’m going to be just fine.

So yeah, good start today – although my boiler’s not working…:( 10 months ago

I feel a bit sick and a bit panicked. But I know that two things need to happen:

- I need to give him time
- If that’s not the answer, I need to get over him

So really, no contact is the only way to go for me just now. And it’s a challenge, but I’m filling my days with things to do – mainly walking endlessly. Still got a cold, so tired and run down.

My mum has been a star – I’ve talked to her a lot about it, so I can have an emotional outlet and someone to cry to. That helps. Also, my life is so busy and full these days. Almost too full sometimes. But it’s all good. So if we don’t work out, I have so much to do in the next five/six months. It’s good to be busy.

I’m also joining a gym on Monday, so that’s something exciting too. I just….the feelings overwhelm me. I hate being rejected, I hate being left – triggers I guess. I also have a very low opinion of myself – I think I’m very very easy to walk away from and forget completely. I think that Paul is relieved and happy to have me out of his life, I never thought that he loved me, even though I know that he did. It was a two way street. But I think that he can walk away with relief and disinterest.

My most depressing thought is that he WILL get in touch, but it will be in about two months time, and we’ll start the whole thing all over again. Sigh. Too too depressing for words – that does not work for me at all. But I’m overthinking things. I’m going to try and live in the day, in the moment – keep busy, stick to a short term plan of no contact, and just do it bit by bit. 10 months ago

I hate today. I have left my phone switched off all day, so I can’t be tempted to try and contact him, but it’s been torture. I want him back, but he’s not speaking to me. Meh.

I have a plan – it’s not much of a plan, but here it is:

- leave him alone for ten days
- send him a nice email after ten days
- if he doesn’t reply, carry on with NC for the next seven weeks
- try again at the end of August (if I still need to)

Am hoping that he will get in touch with me next week, but otherwise, well, we’ll see. I feel so lost and lonely just now, and like an idiot. WHY did I let my guard down and let him into my life? I’m going to treat it as a learning experience though. It will be okay, I will be okay. Pain is painful, but am sure it’s good for me…:) 10 months ago

I’m in such a lot of pain right now. Paul and I have been trying to make a go of it these last few months, and we saw each other at the weekend. On Monday, we had a fight, and then on Tuesday he dumped my by text. Nice, I know. And nothing since.

I don’t know if it’s final or not – our history suggests not, but he won’t respond to any calls, emails or texts. And that pushes all my triggers. I also now feel deeply ashamed of the number of texts I sent him without a response. So I’m struggling – and I’ve just bought a pack of cigarettes, gah.

I’m glad we made a go of it again, I am. It was nice having regular dates and being a couple properly. We have an amazingly good sexual connection. But…why did he let me go like that? I hate the fact that he can just say ‘bye’ and it’s over. Or maybe it isn’t, I don’t know. I don’t have any answers just now. I know that I desperately need some no contact time, to let him miss me and want me. But on the other hand, I hate this pain so much.

So I thought, after struggling, I might use 43things as a way of expressing myself anonymously and charting what happens. Maybe.

I miss him. Here’s the truth – I love him, always have done. And maybe I’m a nightmare to be with, I don’t know. I certainly am quite needy and demanding (so he says), and I GET that it’s annoying. But I hate the fact that after sex he gets distant and detached. My friend said that’s normal with guys, but is it? I don’t know.

Anyway, at the moment, we’re broken up and I’m in pieces. It hurts and I feel horrible – lots of planning, lots of action, but I feel empty and sad. 10 months ago

I had a date with him on Friday, which was lovely. But now he’s vanished again. Maybe. I don’t know. I might write it here to get it all down somewhere.

Not in a terribly good place just now. 12 months ago

Yikes. We’ll see. 12 months ago

He’s trying to backtrack (a little), but it was SO good to get the comments here yesterday and see that I’m not going mad or being unreasonable. Sorry for not replying, life is chaotic at the moment, will sit down tonight!

I feel….weary. I am so done with him. He’s just not very nice to me. I’d rather be alone. 13 months ago

So there you go. That was his line about why he’s being like this. I don’t know, seemed to kind of cut me to the quick – partly because I feel like internalising and taking on board the accusation that I am moaning, and therefore undeserving of attention or kindness. But as Crunchybread wrote, does he just want the good times? I don’t know. He says some horrible things to me, and I kind of forget, but then the next one gets added to the pile of hurt.

And of course I hate criticism, because as my personality type shows – I am all about change and improvement. It’s not good. But my first instinctive reaction is to assume that yes, it’s because I moan too much, how can I change that? But surely it’s legitimate to want to be be able to share my feelings when things don’t go well? It’s not like I’ve talked about it at ALL, with him or with anyone else. I just want to speak it aloud and feel that I’m not alone. But the ironic thing is that I feel that my feelings are wrong, I shouldn’t EVER moan, and also that I need to work on changing this. I don’t think it’s a legitimate complaint though. Is it? I try so hard. I don’t know.

But I have to focus on me this week, and not worry about making it right. I don’t want to be the lovely person that makes his life sweeter this week. All the crap he’s pulled, why should I hang around any more?

I feel stupid writing this, because I’ve struggled so long with this. But I’m just going to take it easy this week on this goal, and shut him out of my life. 13 months ago

In making it work, that is. We have this terrible pattern, and I get suckered in every time. He stops me when I try to end it, I think he means that things will change, they do for a few weeks, then he gets distant, detached, and unreliable. It’s always when I’m stressed and want to turn to him – and at that point he always just goes AWOL, or tells me I’m being demanding.

I kind of get his point. My problem is that I’m so much about change and improving myself, sometimes I want a hug and to lean on someone else. And it’s never him, that’s when he’s at his worst. I guess it hurts because I have no family apart from my mum hundreds of miles away, and I feel lonely and overwhelmed sometimes. And I know I shouldn’t turn to him – but then, why is that?

Anyway, this has happened so many times. I can’t do it any more, and I can’t face fighting about it. I just don’t care.

And I feel stupid writing this here, embarrassed and stupid. But hell with it, it’s my account and I really do write this as a way of marking my goals and resolutions, not for approval or for any other crap. 13 months ago

It’s so unhealthy for me. And I want to move forward, I want to get over him. I think that he always weasles back into my affections, and I always relax. But I am wanting a fresh start, I want to feel the loneliness and move on. I feel ashamed writing here, but it’s really just a diary for me to record my progress.

So my progress is to not contact him again. I doubt he’ll get in touch with me either, so win/win! 14 months ago

All about the Valentine’s present he had sent me etc. But when I got home, there was of course no present here. Just seems about typical of him, to be honest. All disappointment and promises. I’m still done, and each day I move forward happier and feeling better about myself. 15 months ago

I spoke to Paul on Monday, and you know what? It was absolutely horrible. He was unpleasant, blaming me and throwing all this negativity towards me. I don’t know why I took it, and why I’ve always been so eager to have him in my life at all costs.

He phoned me on Tuesday night, and it was nicer, but dull. The conversation was entirely about him, his life, his plans. And I felt very blah about it. And nothing since then.

I have him blocked on my phone – I have this rinky dinky app which is really cute for blocking him and counting up no contact, which appeals to me. I’ve done two days, and I feel sadder this time, because it’s for real. I don’t want him, and I don’t want to have any more ‘talks’ and be told I’m needy, or that I shouldn’t expect things. That’s what really hurts, being told that normal relationships are this huge expectation, and I should be happy with crumbs. I was happier without him.

So I’ve blocked and deleted him from everything, wiped and deleted all trace of him, put photos away etc.

I was thinking as I walked around last night, that although I deplore my weaknesses generally, one trait I have is that I never ever give up. I fail, I fall, but I keep on trying to find solutions until I succeed, like when I quit smoking, or now I’m losing weight. 15 months ago

I want to make things ‘right’, and contact him. It’s so so so hard to resist, and not sending him or a text or an email is difficult. But then just the act of writing this here makes me feel so silly and juvenile. But I feel rejected, and I hate the fact that I am so easy to forget and walk away from.

I’ve been super active all weekend, meeting friends and being grumpy. I’m off work today, and my plans have changed last minute, which kind of sucks. Meh. But I’m going to get through the day without contacting him, and build on my progress step by step. 15 months ago

I am so so so tempted to send him a text or an email. It’s so powerful. Gah!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, on my honour, I will write here instead. The logical side of me has made a decision and I am seeing it through, this will be Day 10. But…wowser, this is hard. But if I get through today, then next weekend won’t be so hard. It’s about changing my life and my expectations, I guess. Like quitting smoking, just holding on and trusting that this urge will pass.

So yeah, am struggling with this. I feel sort of good, because I’m doing it, and really bad, because it sucks. 15 months ago

I have been no contact now for about nine days now, and today I’m sad. I’m sad that he doesn’t want me. I feel rejected and dejected, and I’m struggling with the urge to make things ‘right’. But – am holding tight to the idea that this is the right way, and every time I’m tempted, I’ve not done it. Bit of a huge victory, if you ask me!

I think it will lift and change. I’ve not cried about him, but I keep waiting for him to contact me. Which I hope will ease right off. I guess it will get easier, I am sticking to my guns, so that’s good. It just feels so final, finally. I’m kind of hoping that in a couple of weeks the need/urge will have gone.

Most of the time I’m happier, but today’s been a struggle. 15 months ago

I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I am struggling a lot this morning with not contacting Paul. It’s because I’m hurt that he’s not been in touch, which is so silly. It’s what I wanted, but the longer it goes, the more it feels real. But some good things:

- I love not being criticised: why would I want that? From someone who doesn’t treat me well
- I may not find someone else, but still I’m giving myself the opportunity to develop
- I feel I have more self respect. That’s a good feeling
- I’m generally happier. I feel in control, and less like I’ve been abandoned

I think about him a lot, and I want that to change. I thought I’d see where I am in the classic 60 days, and see how I feel at the end of it, see if I need counselling then, or if this will do the trick. It’s only Day 8, so it’s early days. I’m going to chart how I feel (here?) and keep going. 15 months ago

I’ve done a whole week without contacting him since I finally and definitively ended it. That’s awesomely good, because it wasn’t too much of a struggle. I’ve been intermittently sad, last night felt a bit weepy. But it’s been okay. I check my email and phone too often, but I’m hoping that’s something that will die away.

I had a bit of a thought yesterday. One of my traits is that I am tenacious – if I make something a habit, it tends to stick. Like saving money, or losing weight, or walking, etc. Maybe that’s the downside of having this relationship – I don’t walk away from things easily. It was just a random thought, but still.

I’m hurt by various things, and just sucking them up at the moment. I feel rejected and not good enough, and a bit blue. I am steering clear of these thoughts, because they don’t really help too much, but still. It also hurts to be moving away – the longer there is no contact, the more clearly it’s over.

I’m not tempted to contact him. I’m hurt that he’s just accepted it, which is ludicrous, isn’t it? I tell myself that he’s actually doing exactly what I want. I’m tired of being nice and reasonable, though. I want to hate him, but I don’t. I just judge myself.

This is actually a great achievement – I’m doing so well, better than ever before. These negative comments are just thoughts going through my mind, but fundamentally this is a huge improvement. 15 months ago

Not tempted to contact him today, I feel less wired. I mean, I know it’s going to swing back and fore, but it’s been relatively easy to focus on me. I have made a bargain with myself, and I’m not going to break that bargain, so I feel strong for the first time ever. I know I can do this.

I’m giving myself stern talking tos whenever my thoughts drift. That’s working well too.

I can do this. I am doing this. I’ve had enough, and politely and firmly, I’m moving on. Just take it a day at a time, not the rest of my life. 16 months ago

I have hit on something which has a powerful effect on me, and I think I might have cracked this – i.e. that awful temptation to get in touch, and the whole thing starts up again. I think cautiously that I might have solved it.

I’m reading the Baggage Reclaim website as well, which is great for dumping people a lot like Paul.

I’ve been philosophical about him today, sort of…indifferent. But I am so so so tired, so it might just be that. 16 months ago

But not terrible. It hurts, but a dull hurt. Not a terrible heartbroken, a subdued sadness, a ‘why are’t I good enough’, a sort of self-pity if I let it.

It’s hard giving up on something. I’m reading the baggage reclaim website, which is very no nonsense and preaches no contact loudly and clearly. It’s what I need to do, and to accept that I have ended it. I want to write about my feelings, I’ll do it tomorrow. 16 months ago

Had a wake up call, send him a final good bye and sod off email (but nicer than that), and it’s done. I hope. No, no hoping. I don’t want him back, I don’t want to be treated badly any more, or to lose myself in someone like that.

Well, obviously I’ve been here before. But hey ho. I have a ring with my three promises to myself. Two of them I’ve done, this is the third. How awesome is that? I want to celebrate what I’ve accomplished, not my failures.

So, will try to keep myself accountable and stop the madness. I want a patch of silence now, no boys, no hurt, no pain. You know that feeling of not being ready for a relationship, and wanting something badly means that it’s not for you just yet?

Lots of habits to change, things to work on, and basically to get used to no contact. Change is hard, I guess that’s why it’s called ‘change’ and not ‘sit in a comfortable rut on a sofa shaped to your backside’. Perhaps. 16 months ago

Thank you for the fab comments on this. I’m so swamped with work this week, I haven’t answered anyone for days – have them all stored up to answer in blitz on Saturday!

I’ve been sticking at not contacting Paul, and trying to work through some stuff. I feel more and more that I can do this, even though it’s funny all the emotions I’m feeling. I feel lots of different things, and it’s strange. I feel exposed writing about it, but I’m trying to make myself accountable to myself.

I do think I get a lot of what’s going on. It’s tied up in a lot of deeper things – my size, my self-worth, my loneliness. It’s not about one thing, it’s not really about him (which then makes me feel kind of badly for Paul, although I don’t have any sympathy for him really). I think a lot of deaths of people close to me have left me unwilling to let people get close to me, because I fear that sort of pain. I always knew that, but still. Plus I have no close family apart from my mum hundreds of miles away. So he is a kind of constant in my life.

But then, if I want to meet someone else, I have to be free from this stupid relationship. I’m not happy with him, I never really have been, and it’s never been a proper relationship as such. But it’s hard to give something up.

There are also feelings of rejection and hurt – why aren’t I good enough? What’s wrong with me? All that. Silly really, but I feel those feelings.

So it’s complicated. The thought of days passing to weeks makes me feel panicky and weird. Day by day. It’s fortunate that he did cross a line which made me give up though. 16 months ago

I write about this and it’s like – why do I not just do this? And then I feel that I should do it privately, not whinge on and on about it. But yeah, this is over, I think. I just haven’t moved on. I want to tell him why he’s so rubbish, and there is a bit of me that thinks if I just wait, he’ll be nicer.

Wow, just seeing that written down makes me realise that I’m a total numpty. I can’t get over what he did to me, and he just doesn’t care. And it’s a tiny little thing, but I feel so hurt.

So, yeah. Today I have work all day, a new evening class in the evening. I am busy and with people, so why would I need to reach out to him? Today I am going to focus on not contacting him and just letting him be. 16 months ago

When someone finally goes too far. I don’t think he knows which line he’s finally crossed, but I am so done. I just cannot be bothered with him any more, and it’s a line which every time I read it, makes me think ‘screw you’ and gives me the props to ignore his phone calls and texts. Meh.

So interesting entry, and I cannot even be arsed to row with him about it, or do anything. I just…don’t care. Finally. It’s very very odd. But there is no point. So this is good!! 16 months ago