He permeates every thought.
He lives in my head. For the 10 days we are apart, he is as close as ever. He resides in my heart. Firmly planted in my being. I cannot escape him. I don’t want to. I am so grateful that I have found what others around me seemed able to have found – all these many years, while I could not. Was it me – not ready? Was it not my time? How many years I didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t “settle”? How many years I wanted this man? How many years was he elusive? How many years, I must have taken to align so many things to work out for me?
They have aligned. The light and the dark. The good and the bad. The right time and the wrong time. The perfect moment of convergence is here. I do not mourn any years past without him. I know I couldn’t be here, ready for him, without the passage of those years, the preparation I needed for his arrival. I see with both eyes… I see him so clearly. He has allowed me to do so. I hope I have allowed him to see me as transparently has he has opened himself up to me to see the shadow and the light within him.
I sit on the beach and dream of what our lives can and will look like. What I want from the life we will live together. Where we will travel to and who will be in our lives. And, who will not. lol
I reframe my norm to include him and his. What will the new norm look like? Will I be happy? Yes! I know that I can be happy with someone who is willing to work, as I am, for the partnership we have sought our lifetimes to have. He has my back. He will protect me. He will cook for me. (Mr. Grill man!) He will love me. He will take care of me. Funny thing, is that I can finally allow someone to do all those things! I was so busy taking care of myself for so many years, and those around me, I wouldn’t allow anyone else to do for me. Part of my learning and growth has been to allow someone in – to do those things. I don’t have anything to prove. I just want to love someone completely and that does mean allowing another to do those things to express their love for me. I have to allow him into me and mine. I was so busy proving I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, that I couldn’t allow someone in. He is there for me in a way I have never felt before. Rock solid he is. I respect that, because I believe I am that as well – for him and those around me, that depend on me. Our relationship feels like “the wedded rocks” of Japan. One large rock and one small rock are joined together – connected – to become the birthplace of a nation. I feel very much this is what our joining will mean. The creation of a new nation! It is our corner of the world – the world we have both imagined and built in our heads, sought in our hearts, and will manifest in physical space. Our nation will be a place that family and friends can gather within, feel safe and comforted, and loved and embraced. We live that separately, now it is time to build that nation together – forged by the bond we have within each other – the trust we feel in each other.
Our nation – built on spider monkey tradition – involves a lot of embracing. Holding each other. And a long history of good monkey behavior. Jane Goodall would be happy.
This is going to be fun.
See what a little free time does for the soul? We birthed a nation while on vacation!
I love the man of my dreams. 20 months ago