I’m realizing that this goal is actually an exercise in “Loving What Is” based on The Work of Byron Katie. I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before, and I was watching an interview with her yesterday (with Oprah, actually), and I realized that this goal is not new for me. I’ve tried to do it before, and I’ll keep trying to do it.

I think I needed to hear more of her story and how she evolved from her personal pain. What has helped me understand The Work before has been to watch her walk other people through their own work. Hearing her describe more of her transformation gave me a lightbulb moment that carried me through yesterday.

Part 1 (20 mins)
Part 2 (20 mins)
Part 3 (20 mins) 12 months ago

Everyone is doing the best they can at the moment they’re in for reasons that might not ever be known.

Even when the thought, “I could have done better,” is uttered, in the moment one is talking about it was the “best.” 12 months ago

And it clarified for me how different we are, and yet how much we respect the other. We had a great conversation that started at a restaurant and continued in the long car ride home, and showed me how my own beliefs about consistency aren’t even all that solid.

It gave me tons of food for thought. 12 months ago

It’s been tough. I had a dream the other night about my old boss, and a few days later and I still feel haunted by it, her, what I’m feeling.

I learned through the grapevine that she’s getting married, and I’m actually thrilled for her. I’m trying to channel that positive energy as a reason that I don’t actually hate her guts. But when I think about the job I loved and how awfully she and the board made me feel, my ego rises to the surface with spit and grit. I’ve tried so hard to heal from all that. I thought I had even.

Ugh. I want release from all this turmoil. It’s over. It’s been over a long time. 13 months ago

I think I need to start working on my praise – you know the kind where no matter what someone’s working on (or even if you care what it is) you simply say, “Good for you!” 13 months ago

From small annoyances of friends to big grievances with my family, I’m practicing accepting them.

I’m also practicing accepting myself. I recognized some of the self-critique and self-doubt yesterday, but held it at bay, and simply said to myself, “You can work towards anything that you want to, and the past is the past.” In those moments I was accepting myself for my flaws and my strengths, and that feels new to me. I’ve always been able to do one or the other, not both simultaneously.

Good. Good. 13 months ago

I’m starting to see more and more that this goal has to do with accepting myself, where I’m at. Something I thought I did fairly easily, but I don’t. Underneath the comfort of “loving life,” I’m critical that I’m not doing more, enough, what I intended… that’s robbing me of the joy that life is. And robbing me of the opportunity to know how to do this for others. And robbing me of loving myself.

I expect others to not be accepting, and when they are acccepting, I secretly feel I don’t deserve it.

Hmmm. This has got to stop. 13 months ago

as I’m meeting up with Dad and Anna again, already so soon.

We’ve made progress, so I’m willingly doing this, but I have reservations, because I don’t really know what it means (at least in this situation) to build upon progress.

The betrayed little girl always throws caution to the wind when we make it this far, and under duress doesn’t want to go any further.

But fortunately, for now, there is no duress. And I refuse to create any, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to.

I maintain my prayers to be not to let myself get cornered, naturally let things flow, maintain strong boundaries, and just to enjoy the day. Again, it should only be lunch that I have to deal with Anna, and the rest of the time will be in the warehouse, which is demanding in its own way, but at least I have the space to go through my own things without any interference.

I suppose I need to be careful not to get caught up in themes like “progress” or “future,” because accepting people where they’re at is all present-moment stuff. And if I can maintain that focus, I’ll be fine. 14 months ago

“It is often easier to fight for principles than live up to them.”
- Adlai Stevenson

More later. 14 months ago

I’ve always thought of acceptance as a compassionate way of finding understanding someone and relating to who they are at the core. I believe that that still stands as a valid definition.

But in my new manifestation of this goal I’m going to try to be coolly detached from the emotions that charge me up, so that I can find acceptance in one another, namely with my dad and his wife tomorrow.

I can’t get riled up if they can’t reach my buttons, right?

Sigh. 15 months ago

After a week of being away with my sister, she and I walked into my home how it is when it’s just me and J. Not totally disastrous, but not what you want your guests to see: kitchen garbage was near full, kitty litter hadn’t been emptied in a day or two, bathroom sink had toothpaste stains, dining table had mail and old glasses on it, and the floor really needed sweeping. I was instantly irritated.

And then I realized that I never ASKED J to pick things up. When getting ready for guests, it’s always I that’s paying attention to details, and I’m sure J was just thinking this is how we normally live, why should we hide that? So I eased up and did a quick behind-the-scenes cleanup and quelled my resentment, reminding myself that if I wanted a different outcome, I should have asked. I can’t expect anyone to act the way I think they SHOULD. 15 months ago

I focused on all that I’ve been learning under this goal and refused to let myself get riled up. I asked more questions, actually listened to the answers, more intentionally created an environment in which we could be hospitable to each other, and simply enjoyed the evening. It was exactly the kind of “practice” I needed. 15 months ago

Once again, I think this boils down to ego.

To accept someone for who they are, where they’re at, is to remove yourself from the greater equation. It’s not about you (me); whatever it is always has to be about the other person. Thinking of it that way reframes focus. Shifts perspective.

This area is tricky for me, given that when I’m in relationship with someone, it’s about relating, but overall, if I can remember that, “No one knows me better than me,” then I should surely remember, “There’s no way I can actually know better than you. Speculate, perhaps. But know? No, that’s unfair. Let’s begin again.” 15 months ago

I notice I still carry a lot of critical, exasperated, “Why?”s when I see/hear about people doing some pretty un-evolved things.

Then I take a breath, and say, “OK.”

In that breath of ok, I’m willing to find out more, to hold back judgement and criticism, to accept that that’s just how they are right now.

And deep down, sometimes audibly and sometimes not, I project feelings of progress and solution. I aim for ways that they can be better, and I think of the ways that I can be better, because ultimately my efforts are the only ones I can actually measure. 15 months ago

Be = A command to be. To do something that ends with “I AM.” Now. Practicing. Real. Genuine. Not pretending. Not wishing. I am. No denying.

Curious =
cu·ri·ous
   [kyoor-ee-uhs] adjective
1. eager to learn or know; inquisitive.
2. arousing or exciting speculation, interest, or attention through being inexplicable or highly unusual: a curious sort of person; a curious scene.

Be curious = Ask questions. Really want to know. Want to find out. Explore possibilities. Find out one thing and then ask another. Be gentle. Do not assume to know the answers. Ask only in the spirit of knowing more, of having more information. Be thoughtful. Be observant. Be in awe.

Not = No. Don’t. The opposite. Option B. The other thing. Negative. Denied. Refused.

Be curious not = Be curious, not not curious.

judgmental =
faultfinding, hypercritical, critical, overcritical, rejective, discriminating, demanding, exacting, fastidious, finicky, nitpicky, particular, picky, quibbling, opinionated, attitudinal, conclusive, harsh, merciless, uncharitable, unforgiving, biased, prejudiced

Be curious not judgmental = Want to know someone not think you already know everything you need to; ask questions without finding fault and without already deciding something about someone; be eager in learning more not eager to make conclusions.

I think to accept someone for who they are, it takes a curiosity about their very being. It may require posing questions, not for the next Grand Inquisition, but to really learn about someone at their very core. If not actually asking questions, it’s just a general attitude of, “I’m curious about you. When you feel comfortable, please tell me more and I’ll thank you for sharing.” 16 months ago

“Be curious, not judgmental.”
-Walt Whitman

This might be the key to this I’ve been looking for. 16 months ago

_{and I’m not sure it’s entirely a bad thing…}

I like challenging people to be more than just who they are. Isn’t it that we stop growing when we get too comfortable? How do we progress as human beings, as society, if we’re not pushing the envelope on what’s satisfactory and what’s acceptable?

I guess I still have to accept people for exactly where they’re at while finding creative and tactful ways to explore “the more” with them. Perhaps that’s what I need: the courage to talk to people about what’s real for all of us. 16 months ago

my husband is doing an exceptional job of accepting me tonight in my low-energy, sicker state.

He cleaned the rest of the pots and pans, and loaded all the dishes in the dishwasher.

And now he’s venturing out in the rain to bring home gyros. (I added this goal, because of a time I asked him to pick up food for me and he made it clear that I was inconveniencing him, which made me withdraw the request because I didn’t want him to have that as something to lord over me. And it made me realize I was wanting him to do it for me, because naturally I would do it for him.)

Today he’s been kind and gentle and accommodating, even more than what I think I might do in turn, and I am so grateful.

I will remember today when I’m trying to remember how to accept people for who they are, right where they’re at. 16 months ago

I think I have trouble accepting the people who don’t accept me for who I am.

It makes it harder to reciprocate. Kind of like the chicken and the egg – who accepts whom first? Are you waiting for me, because I’m kind of waiting for you….

I think part of my discipline in this needs to be acknowledging that in accepting someone has it built in inherently that they may not accept you back, and you have to be strong enough in yourself and your values to be ok with that. And to remember (and believe) that it’s far better to be accepting than to not be accepting.

Violence is perpetuated when you’re not accepting. 16 months ago

I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been having trouble with this, and it comes down to making (inaccurate/unfair/misguided) judgments and having expectations that a person will behave in the way I believe will or having expectations a person will respond in the way that I naturally would.

Put that way, it becomes clear that it’s my ego that gets in my way.

Accepting people for who they are now is accepting reality. It’s taking me completely out of the equation. In a way it challenges how I relate to people, because I believe my relationships are built on shared history, shared conversation, shared meaning, shared life. By shared I must be a part of it; my ego belongs. But it may improve my relationships by relieving the pressure of having demands or expected outcomes and allowing me to simply observe and embrace. 16 months ago

I need to find better ways of dealing with disappointment. 16 months ago

I do not practice this with loved ones as I do with general humanity… 16 months ago