live my life for myself

I have finally stood up to my mother. At 30 years old I moved back home to save money for school, and my mother went back into the pattern of trying to control my life: I refuse to let her anymore. I did something I really wanted to do, I took a risk and paid off in ways greater than I ever could have imagined. There was a man I was talking to online as friends for about 6 months (we met on an online game, and hit it off), things developed to a point of wanting to be more than friends so I took a huge risk and at the beginning of October went to meet him and things couldn’t be more wonderful. He is the love of my life. He inspires me to be myself and the best me I can be, while loving me for who I am, I just hope I do the same for him. My mother was not pleased with my decision to go visit him as it was out of the country (I’m Canadian, he’s American), but I told her it was my decision and I can’t live my life for her. This has been the defining moment in my life as of yet.

I have only a slight idea as to who I am.
I know that when I’m by myself and I need to think of my future then everything gets confusing and I don’t know what I WANT.
I know that for the majority of my life I have lived for others and acted according to who I am with at that time. Not to say that I am fake or that my values and beliefs change because it doesn’t. It’s more like I do what other people want and my friends and family rarely do what I want. So my desires and the simple things that I want to do don’t exist and so I have never really had the opportunity to think of what I want. Now, that my future is waiting for me to decide, it’s so hard and it’s as though I am going crazy.
I am such a people pleaser that I want to be perfect at everything and if I’m not then I’m not anything. For example, because I’m overweight right now I don’t dress up or go out or do anything for myself because I don’t know how to want too. I don’t know what to do with my emotions. I never really experienced them until a couple of years ago. I don’t know how to express my feelings and I keep everything inside until I see that I am being mistreated and then when it is time to express them to better the relationship people see me as a bitch because they are no longer seeing this “go with the flow” giver and they are no longer able to just take like they were before.
I work for people who live in low income homes and need help and resources and I am always there for friends and family with their problems and when I need anyone I can’t find them.
I don’t have fun and don’t even know how too.
I don’t know my body and I don’t know what to do in life or who I want in my life. My “friends” suck, my family is great but I get lost in everyone else that I play catch up with myself and find that I have had the same problems with myself for years and years and years.
I want to know what I want out of this life. I want to know what I am capable of. I want to like myself. I want to stop living the life that I knew and grew up with because I know that’s a part of me but it’s not who I am and what people see and know. That part of me is just in my head.
I want to know what I like and dislike and own up to it.
I want to be mad when I’m mad and not feel like it’s wrong.
I want to be sad when I’m sad and not ignore it.
I want to be happy and show it without getting annoying attention from others.
I want to do things and if people want to stick around and do them with me that’s fine if not then peace out.
I have always wanted to be wanted for the right reasons. I have always hated the idea of being the follower because you aren’t genuinely people’s friends you are there to affirm other peoples actions and decisions. And that’s not what friends do. I will be liked for who I am because the decisions I make and what I do in life is simple, yet exotic and pure.
I want to explore the side of me that doesn’t need people to want me in order for me to know who I am.
I want to be the person I know I can be and the person that I see when I close my eyes and the person that I am in front of other people.
I may feel like I am acting because in my head I am still the too dark, too fat, too loud, not girly enough, the person who fights, and the overly nice person that gets screwed over. But I am more than that now.

I need to play catch up and remind myself of who I am today.

my life is takin turns for the better all the time…maybe im just finding myself

“how am i not myself”

“how am i not myself”

“how am i not myself”

“how am i not myself”

live my life for my self means not worrying about what other people think or would do should do or have done…

live with no regret