compacity to hate as intensely as they love. I didn’t believe it… until now.
It scares the crap out of me to know that I am so close to hating someone. I don’t hate, I dislike on varying levels, but I’ve never hated. I’ve had hateful things happen to me, and I’m sure that I’ve doled out my share in childhood, but I’ve never, ever hated.
Eustacia told me to let go. Well, knowing me, as I am, I will not let go until I’m good and ready. The ugly friend situation started this whole chapter.
Funny how things build up to a cresendo, anticipation, emotion, all build and then there is the quiet piece after. My cresendo is quite intense and quickly paced right now.
This ugly friend, even though I’ve not talked to her in months, is still affecting me. It starts and ends with the kids. She brought confusion, chaos, rumors, gossip, and darkness into our lives. She’s caused trouble on every level, I can’t count them all. And yet, after all these months, she doesn’t stop.
Sometimes I just have to ask WHY? There is no answer, at least a logical one.
This is my hate. I pray to God that I will not hate. The emotion is so very strong though, I’m fending it off right now. But sometimes, when I’m teary and tired, it’s so very hard.
I’m choosing not to hate. It’s the question in my mind that should I hate in this situation will it eventually play out and go away as time and distance do have a way of healing the sad soul.
But it is so unnatural for me to feel this way and I want the emotion to be gone, but yet, I cannot seem to let go.
I am relieved that the kids are going somewhere that they’ll be snuggled and sung to. That the stuffed animals will be put to bed with the little one just so. That pony tails and barrettes will also be common place. Laughter and love, I pray, will reign.
It breaks my heart that it will not be here. Three more nights I’ll be able to tuck them in and kiss their foreheads. That’s all I have left of motherhood. But yet, the new family will continue where we’ve left off. I pray these kids will be cherished and recognized for their wonderful personalities, capacity to love, and brilliancy.
We elected this.
It is not fair to have subjected these children to the ugly friend for the rest of their time here. This ugly friend just won’t let go, and as her history dictates, never will. What a wreched life that would be for the little ones.
They will be loved though. That is better than nothing.
