face my fears

i’ve realized that you must start, you must push yourself into it. it’s not easy at the beginning. i’ve had a lot of fears and that was not allowing me to live my life. so i had to start someway.

but the good thing is once you’ve started the fears are overcame one by one even with no effort at all, it comes naturally.

the first one is a lot hard, A LOT, but once you’ve started your confidence starts to grow and you feel yourself a lot brave and that makes a lot easier to face all the other fears.

Someday I’ll face my fears.
Climb the highest mountain
Jump from an air balloon
Sail on the ocean,
Someday I’ll face my fears.
Speak to crowd of people
Eat alone in a restaraunt
Let my children grow up,
Someday I’ll face my fears.
Watch my Mom grow old
Appreciate the gray hair
Know the signs of aging
Someday I’ll face my fears.
Try to understand the unknown
Allow my heart to beat fast from excitement
Smile when complimented
Learn to Love again,
Someday I’ll Face My Fears!!!

I was at the gym yesterday. As in a gymnastics place, with trampolines and mats and foam pits. I have researched how to do a flip and all I needed to do was to start practicing. Too scared. Fear won.

Instead of having the talk with my wife I keep giving little digs and having petty arguments. Fear is winning.

Death, not facing it. Too scared. Fear is winning.

Being alone, pretty much feel that way most days. People and family around but . . . not feeling connected, my fault. Confused and afraid to open up.

Had a couple of invitations for friendship building activities . . . made excuses.

My to do list and some of 43T goals sit there mocking me.

Found a new fear, casinos. I like to gamble but the idea of doing it at a casino frightens me for some reason.

Yet my days and weeks eat me up. Adversity is everywhere. . . it seems, maybe it is in the mirror where the adversity really lies?

Deep sigh . . . I am truly tired of living in the future.

I haven’t driven in a long time, AND we have a new car! Something inside me said, if you don’t do it now, chances are you’ll never have the guts to drive again. So I told my parents “I’ll drive!” My mother told me no at first, because of the previously mentioned reasons, but I told her “If I you won’t let me drive now, how am I ever going to drive a car again?!” so then she agreed to let me drive. anyways, I was sitting there, starting the car, and both my parents started yelling instructions at me, which flipped me out, which caused the engine to stop and the car to turn into an impossible position for me to start the engine again. my mother said she couldn’t handle this and got out of the car. I am not kidding you, she got out of the car because I was driving (well, trying to) what kind of a signal is that?! come to think of it, she also didn’t believe I was able to graduate high school but I did, so whatever.

anyways, my mother got back in when I was about to drive off, lol and I slowly got the hang of it and only let the engine die about.. 5 times? :P especially whenever my sister yelled at me that the light was green..
but the point I’m trying to make is, I didn’t flip out eventhough they all yelled at me and I didn’t give up eventhough my mother didn’t believe in me, AND I didn’t cause any accidents :D plus, I offered to drive the car myself, so how’s that for facing fears? :)

some times i think i’m all alone, that no one understands me. and that’s right, some times, they are rare, but they exist, that no one will understand my feelings and behavior. and that’s why i gotta be my best friend. i gotta understand myself, not being condescendant but understand that i’m human, i make mistakes and i can’t come back time and fix them. i just have to get up and start over. stop looking for approval. if i understand, support and approve myself, then everybody else will. and that’s the strength i need to face my fears and overcome them.

Things that I am afraid of:

1 Death
2 Doing a flip
3 Losing my family
4 Getting some things done (following through on some decisions)
5 Having ‘the talk’ with my wife
6 Being alone
7 And to be brutally honest, making friends.

After 3 years of pondering, and I have pondered, a list of seven emerges. In my early twenties I did this and conquered many fears. I even got payed to overcome many of them. I may add more fears to this list if I can think of some more or come across them as I read entries in this goal.

Bottom line this goal is moving up the charts and will be pursued with vigour.

The weird thing is acknowledging that so much fear is utterly reasonable, and that it’s the true neurotic who doesn’t have any.

That said, as I go deeper into the darkness my fear lessens. I guess because I’m facing it. I aspire to be happy in spite of everything I know and see, and because of the things I see that are truly worth feeling happy about. But any kind of idea about happiness that requires I turn a blind eye – repress or deny – forget it. And I think our culture is riddled with this kind of lame-brained metaphyics. Life is pain. If not for you, than for someone else – probably someone you know, and for good reason they feel their pain. I don’t see how it’s possible to avoid this in life. And the idea of contriving one that is designed about having good times and good vibes all the time, while life goes on as it does, is repellent to me. Just – weak, pitiful, immature, shallow, self-indulgent garbage.

But then again, it could just be the mood I’m in after mediatating on what it would be like to spend 18 years with your rapist.

my junior year is starting and im afraid i might not do so good in the classes…but at the same time i have to try my best…i guess and exams and the sats have to come after all…

lots of fears overcame. but i still have a lot more to overcome.

i can really say i’m doing well on this goal. i’ve faced some of my deepest fears like having to deal with some things from my childhood, some huge traumas i had and i can really say i’m stronger now. i still have a lot of fears to face but i’m a lot more confident and ready.