make peace with my weekend insomnia

but at least it doesn’t bring me down. In fact, I keep myself busy during those late hours, doing all sorts of stuff I don’t normally do during the weekday. I catch up on my TV shows, read my growing collection of new and unread books and write in my journal. I know I have a hard time just sitting around doing nothing. But at least I listen to my body more closely these days and go to sleep early when I know I need to.

to marking this done.

Things are going really well for me, and I am infinitely grateful for all that I have. This is true for all that’s within my circle of influence and beyond.

I shall elaborate on this more, but I gotta get ready for a family sit-down dinner somewhere in town. Sis is making all the arrangement. Am yet to decide on what to have, but I figured I shall indulge myself in quality, not quantity tonight.

I am at peace with myself and my life. All is well with the world tonight. Cheers!

All in one weekend…

My son’s birthday party went well.. yay! But right after that, we got the news that a dear old relative passed away. So right after we cleaned up, everyone went to attend the wake, stayed a bit before going home to sleep. Then, I woke up early the next morning to attend the funeral. It was still sad, especially when my aunt broke down in tears and couldn’t seem to stop crying.

After the funeral, I rushed home to bathe and change. Drove into KL city on a Sunday afternoon to catch the classical concert. Didn’t have enough time for a proper lunch so I sat through it on an empty stomach. But it was so beautiful I forgot about my hunger. But my sore throat was bad and it was itchy, I had to supress a cough coz everyone was focussing on the performance. In the end, it got so bad I ended up crying. It must’ve gotten to my eyes somehow. Thankfully they stopped to change soloists and I had a good cough then. Phew..

All in all.. I was too busy the whole weekend to be an insomniac, which is probably a good thing but damn tiring!

This weekend saw me spending most of my waking hours outdoors. I had a wedding to attend, then on Sunday I took my team out for a lunch treat and a bowling game/tourney of sorts. I didn’t suck as badly. In fact, I’m almost convinced that if I played more often, I might just get good at it.

So yeah, this weekend turned out alright. Perhaps I was just too tired to even think. In fact I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. It was blissful too, except I woke up in the middle of last night when it began to rain really hard. The wind must’ve been quite strong too. I heard those whistling sounds of the wind but it didn’t bother me that much.. coz really, I was tired.

The next few weekends are gonna be just as packed. Next Saturday, I’m having a birthday party for my boy.. he turns 7! Then on Sunday, I’m off to see the Philharmonic play Vivaldi’s Four Seasons (yay!). Am so looking forward to the next few days. No doubt i will be occupied with work, my homelife, etc. But having these things to look fwd to makes me feel so good to be alive!

I couldn’t sleep, though my body feels like it’s crumbling bit by bit. I calculated and was horrified to realize I’ve been surviving the entire week on less than 30 hours of sleep. If I fall sick, it’s nobody else’s fault but mine.

I wanted to sleep early. I was already on my bed logging off after giving away a few cheers. Saw that an old friend was online too, but managed to stop myself from badgering him yet again. Didn’t think it was polite anyway. It was already past 1 AM.

I switched off the lights but in the dark I found no comfort. I turned on the lights and grabbed my notebook. Felt the urge to write and purge this restlessness that was plaguing me. I started off with some mundane stuff. Then it turned into some kind of cry for help. It began with “Dear God..”.

I asked if I will ever know joy from loving another person, ever again. I asked if anyone would ever look at me with kind, loving eyes. I asked if I am beyond forgiveness for my past doings, if I am cursed to forever live with sadness as my equillibrium.

My writing got worse as I progressed. But I know He reads shorthand. So it doesn’t matter. I cried freely throughout the whole deed. i wondered if I could go on crying while I sleep so that I could feel better and lighter when I wake up.

I didn’t write long. My nose was blcked and I didn’t want my father to hear me cry. He was watching some kind of action flick on cable. I suspect he can’t sleep too. Perhaps, this is what loneliness does to you. It turns you into an insomniac while your body screams in aguish and exhaustion.

I put back the notebook on my writing desk. Again, I was already in bed when the image of an angel flashed in my mind. In it, the angel was weeping because its wings were broken. The angel was caught in some kind of storm and she was kneeling as she prayed that her wings will heal faster. She is in a hurry to get back into Heaven. And she is afraid that the longer she lingered, she will never find her way back there.

I don’t know what time I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, that heavy feeling in my gut was still there, right where I left it.

woke up around 8ish. Not bad, even went out for a morning walk. So I felt really pleased with myself.

It’s actually a 5-day weekend, we’re gonna be on holiday until Wednesday next week, due to Chinese New Year and Awal Muharram (the first day of the Islamic calendar). Fancy that, both Chinese and Islamic calendar starting anew about the same time. It’s great to be in a multi-cultural country like Malaysia (and many others, I suspect), we have so many public holidays ;)

No plans, spent the moring going to the bank, finishing up Coelho’s book and catching up on downloaded TV shows. I swear I was not gonna cry watching Lost, but the episode featuring Echo’s life history was so, so sad. No wonder his character looks so miserable sometimes. I can only imagine what that feels like, but I know, somewhere in this world, truth is sadder than fiction.

I have 4 whole days stretched out before me. I am inclined to make the most of it, but I am also tempted to be all slackerish and sleep away the hours. I have many things I can, could and should do, but I’m just not doing them yet. Give me a badge now, it should say Procrastinator in big, bold letters!

Why is it already 2AM and I can’t sleep? Why is it that despite my exhaustion, I am still here, checking out books and music, knowing fully well I will suffer tomorrow (tiredness, lethargy, etc)? Is this my own version of self-inflicted pain? What am I looking for? What am I avoiding? Why do I do this? And why can’t I feel at peace doing or not doing whatever it is that crosses my mind?

I am trying to figure all this out. Maybe I’m developing some mental allergy to my bed. Maybe the thought of sleeping alone depresses me so. Maybe I am afraid of the thoughts that intrudes my consciousness as I surrender to sleep.

This will take me some time. I don’t see myself working out the answers that soon. But I know I want to make peace with it and stop feeling so torn about something as trivial as this.