Recover from my love addiction

it’s been 2.5 years since I fell for this guy. i tried too many things in between.. i stopped communication.. I got married.. I talked to him directly to get refused… and still i am not over… what is wrong with me? Why isn’t any measure working? I am feeling like I am terribly cursed.

DELETED ALL CONTACT DETAILS, IN CASE I FEEL TEMPTED.

I’M MADLY, TOTALLY UNDER HIS SPELL, NOT IN CONTROL OF MY FEELINGS AT ALL. TEXTED AND CALLED SEVERAL TIMES EARLIER TODAY, BUT FINALLY SENT A MESSAGE TO APOLOGIZE (WHO AM I KIDDING, THAT WAS YET ANOTHER CONTACT) AND PROMISED TO STOP HARASSING HIM.

MY INSIDES ARE SCREAMING FOR HIM, I CANT SEE LIFE WITHOUT HIM. AND STILL I KNOW ITS NOT HIM I WANT, IS THE FEELING OF BEING TOTALLY IN LOVE AND TOTALLY LOVED. iT COULD BE ANYONE I GUESS. AT THE MOMENT IT IS HIM!

This is a revelation to me! I didn’t know until a week ago I’m a love addict!

Ordered literature, looking into internet and SLAA, I’m in the very beginning.

Thank You for the other who’s entries I just read.

I was actually on YouTube, favoriting videos, when I came across Tori Amos’ “China”. Great, heartbreaking song, sang along with it back in high school. I scrolled down through the comments. Someone commented that this song was about being in love with “what we clinicians call a ‘love avoidant’”. Huh? Googled Love Avoidant (reminds me of my current relationship….) and one thing led to another led me to this site, to this topic. And now I am overwhelmed instead of just meloncholy on a Friday night.

I feel like crying reading these entries - I’m really not the only one! I go to Al-Anon meetings, but it’s not the same. Nobody there understands Love Addiction, it seems. And when I say love addiction to some people, they think I’m talking about sex addiction! Arrgghhh. Jadexjess - everytime my guy calls me, I think he wants to get back together again. And when I ask him his intentions, he says “I don’t want to talk about it!” And I let him back in again. My self-esteem takes a dive, because he disappears two weeks, three weeks, maybe a month afterwards. I’ve quit my job so I don’t have to see him everyday. Wish me luck. I don’t think I can ever trust him again, so why do I think we can ever get back together again? It’s CRAZY. It hurts. Ugh.

Sucks. I haven’t been doing well. Up and down. I need to stop talking to him.

I went back to him. (Temporarily)

Yes, I know I deserve better. Yes, I believe I will one day find better. I feel guilty for going back to him. I’m trying to be conscious that relapse is part of recovery, and I am recovering. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Each time I go back to him, I yell at myself for knowing better. One of these days the therapy and book advice will click, and I won’t go when he calls. I won’t start the cycle all over again. I’ll use new behaviors in place of the old ones. I need to try and remember that just because I’ve gone back to him again, not all is lost. I don’t have to start all over again. I’m wiser each time. I learn more about why each time. I’m more aware of what I’m doing each time. I’m moving slowly, but I’m moving.

I’m not sure I’m doing well with this or not. I’m not dating any love addicts, but I’m also still talking to Brandon. I’m not sure if I’m not dating anyone because I’ve grown, and no longer need to seek out unhealthy relationships, or if it’s because I’m still hung up on Brandon. The thing is, I’m not even sure I’m hung up on Brandon. We’ve moved to a stage we call “friends”. We talk when we’re both online, we tell each other about our day. It’s like when we were dating, except there’s no physical aspect, and we don’t talk quite as much. I’m just not sure if it’s good for me or bad for me. It’s unhealthy if it’s preventing me from doing the things I’d normally do in my life – but it’s not. I’m not sure if it affects me much at all. I just don’t know what to do.

He’s been calling me. I’ve been talking to him on the phone, fueling the fire. I don’t want to fall in “love” (addiction) with him again. It hurts too much. I don’t know how to get out, other than putting my faith in and drawing my strength from God. So, I guess my prayer is that God will help me excommunicate myself from him. The problem is that I’m not sure if that’s what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m meant to help him. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be his friend, or it I’m just not listening to God because what I want is to be his friend. I don’t know. Pray for me.

If I were and Alcoholic instead of a Love Addict, I’d be getting my 30 day chip. Working on 60 days.