“You are NEVER powerless in life. Do your best to fix what can be fixed about yourself and your life and don’t worry about what can’t. Hope you have a great life!”

This was not said to me, but it speaks to me the same. 12 months ago

I swear to the tiles on my bathroom floor I felt older as the clock struck midnight.

Today I am officially an adult.

I still feel like a child. Not a co-dependent ten year old or a bratty thirteen year old.

Perhaps the placebo effect is alive and well- maybe that’s why I feel significantly more mature and responsible all the sudden.

Except there is no placebo in this situation. I really am no longer seventeen.

There’s no real significance to any of this. I just feel so different. Calmer in a way.

Maybe it’s because the majority of my childhood sucked. And I feel like this new stage in my life can start with a truly clean slate.

My sisters gave me a card – immediately I loved it because it had Michael Scott on it. I laughed. This is probably the best card ever. I honestly don’t care for long notes inside cards. It makes me feel awkward reading about myself. So their little “Happy 18th!” written inside sufficed just fine.

It’s nice to think that. It really is. :]) 12 months ago

My birthday is coming up this Saturday.

My other two sisters get nice birthdays with cake and gifts.

I rarely get anything at all. I’m not sure if this is because my mother has some deep-seated hatred of giving me things (let met tell you, that is not a far-fetched thing to say) or there really is no money to do anything fun.

And I know I risk sounding greedy, but I can’t help but feel left out in these sorts of things.

That’s why this birthday is probably going to be the same old shit. I never get to go anywhere or do anything fun.

I’m not talking about charity. I don’t need frivolous things. If I had to decide between getting a smorgasbord of birthday gifts or doing something really fun and exciting, I would choose the experience.

Why? Because day in, day out, I am stuck at home. My mom wonders why I pester her to take me anywhere every weekend.

That’s because I haven’t had any real human contact for the entire week. And I may have social anxiety, but there comes a point where even I need to be around new faces.

So this birthday is being previously anticipated with severe disappointment.

I wish it would be different. 18 is a ‘milestone’ of sorts for most people. 12 months ago

This kind of humoured me today. 12 months ago

It can be music made ten years ago or music made last week. If it’s good, and I like it, I listen.

Today has been a slow moving day. I woke up late and had lunch: a sandwich and black beans.

I also drank some tea. Two cups of green tea and one of that Renaissance tea and another of that St. Valentine tea.

I was thinking that I hope when I’m in college, my mom can maybe send me that tea every now and then. It is not the type of tea they sell at Walmarts across the nation. It is a hard to find tea. Probably because it is amazingly delicious and addictive. And Russian.

So I’m about to go upstairs and eat something else. Something with bread or a lot of carbohydrates and maybe I’ll do some baking :) 12 months ago

I guess this could be read as a to-do list, though it’s more of what I’d like to do as opposed to what I have to do.

Here goes:

- Run. Today is National Running Day! It would be stupid not to run.
- Watch Napoleon Dynamite. I love that movie. I don’t know why.
- Make a lot of tea and work on my story.
- Eat dark chocolate, even though there is none in the house.
- Watch So You Think You Can Dance. Summer shows are the best.
- Blast music in my room while I organize things or do random shit
- Watch the rain outside
- Look for places that are hiring
- Put books on hold at the library for research for my story
- Be lazy when necessary

I don’t know what else. There isn’t a lot to do when you’re stuck at home all day. Things start to repeat themselves. My mom tells me every single day to “get a job” and yet she has no idea how much I’d like one. Hey, mom, why don’t you show me a list of places that are hiring in JobLand and are willing to hire me and so I can get out of the house and make money! 12 months ago

On a whim I clicked on my subscription link.

:O

I can hardly believe there are 60 people who can stand reading my ridiculous posts. Thanks a ton, whoever you guys are! :D 12 months ago

Technically it is nighttime. But night does not rhyme with day or May. So yeah.

It is really coming down outside. Every window becomes illuminated, bathed in a white shock of light every minute or so. Lightening fascinates me.

My legs really are sore. Especially my lower back and my arms and basically every muscle group I’ve worked in yoga, running and working out these past few days.

This is a good thing. It is a good feeling to push yourself to the point of feeling it even after you’ve stopped, the next day, and the day after that one. But I do wish the soreness would go away.

Lactic acid buildup, maybe? If I didn’t do yoga, holy crap. I’d be in for a full body cast right about now. 13 months ago

Right now I’m on Day 7 of the master cleanse.

One week. One entire week without eating. And some might even consider it eight days, if you take into consideration that the day before the fast, I only drank fresh-made orange juice and had a green smoothie.

Right now I’m reading A Million Little Pieces by the infamous ‘lying bastard’ James Frey.

I’ve read it once before and devoured it. I loved the book and I’m loving it now.
Oprah can go fuck herself.

I don’t care if he fabricated events, if he embellished facts. Because the book is fucking well written. It’s beautiful and not a thousand lies inside could possibly change that. And I suppose I am alone in this mindset, because the copy I own now I bought for a quarter at the library. The book was weathered down, worn pages, the surface well-used. Pages torn. The previous reader had written TAO TE CHING on the back cover flap. The condition of the book tells me that the previous author didn’t take the news so lightly. So he gave it to the library in some fit of disappointment.

Who cares? Does that change the book’s message? About drug addiction? That’s why I’m reading it now, during this fast. Because at a time of craving, a time of hunger, I can relate, somewhat, to Frey in his rehab facility. I see myself there. I can understand the wanting all too well. No, I am not a crack addict. But after a week of no food, it is somewhat of a comfort to read about someone else’s pain.

And for that I won’t apologize. 13 months ago

The sixth day. Wow! I can’t believe I’m still here.

Not as in “I can’t believe I’m alive.” Just still on this cleanse. I’m not gonna lie; there have been moments where I’ve seriously wanted to throw in the towel. The hunger has been, at times, overwhelming.

But I think, and maybe I’m wrong, but I think that my ongoing hunger is a sign that my metabolism is still fighting.

Like I’ve said, since I have experience with fasting, it is VITAL to come off of this cleanse with great care. I need to bring my metabolism back up gradually, so I don’t put on all of this weight afterwards and shock my system.

This isn’t really a vanity thing. It’s just that sudden weight gain is a runner’s worst nightmare. I don’t need that.

All aside, I am feeling swell. I have been a tad hungry today, but nothing too intense. I have had 7 glasses of lemonade instead of six; to slowly introduce more high-energy intake as day 11 nears.

Only 5 more days to go! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 13 months ago

I’m nearly halfway there. Day 5 is almost over.

I’ve been having a lot of moments where I am struggling to keep myself motivated to continue the cleanse.

During my first cleanse, one year ago, I had planned it out months in advance. I had bought the salt and the tea and the maple syrup on Amazon months ahead, and was waiting for spring break to arrive, so I could be at home during the fast. I had mentally prepared myself for it.

This time? My mom came home with the supplies, told me my face looked really bad (acne-wise), that I probably had a food sensitivity, so I should do another master cleanse. I agreed, because my first cleanse had gone over so great.

And then the very next day, I started the ease-in phase, and then three days later, I started fasting.

There wasn’t a lot of time to think on this cleanse. I rushed into it. And for this reason, it’s a big shock to me that I am on day 5, and how I have 6 more days to go.

I know I can finish, but it is difficult to want to. 13 months ago

Wow.

My legs are aching. Mostly my quads.

Yesterday, on my chart, I had written down that it was supposed to be a yoga practice centered around power and strength. Well, it turned into more of a relaxed practice. No really sweat-inducing poses. Because honestly, even trying out tree yesterday was making me a little dizzy.

So I took it easier and stretched it out, and corpse was full of thoughts of popcorn and Italian ice.

So I wonder, I truly wonder, why today my legs are sore.

I think a walk will do wonders to shake things out. Afterwards, yoga, and a nice shower, and then at least four more glasses of lemonade.

I’m not truly hungry today. I am not in the brightest of moods, however. I feel annoyed. Bored. Stuck.

Probably because, honestly, I am one of those people who truly believes that food excites things.

It’s difficult for me to watch movies without eating. But today I did, obviously. It was a comedy, and it was hard to pay attention to what should have been a funny movie when all I was thinking about was the discomforting feeling of an empty stomach.

That’s all it is, an empty stomach. But I actually feel better than yesterday, and I KNOW I can make it until day 11.

After today, 7 more days to go! 13 months ago

Dos is two in Spanish, right? I feel incredibly stupid even asking that. Of course it is!

So it’s day 2 of the master cleanse here. I am still hungry. I have seen many a testimonial saying “you won’t be hungry during the cleanse,” or, “I was never even hungry at all!”

Bull. Shit.

I am hungry. Mentally and physically. But it’s not a giant strong hunger that can’t be ignored.

I’m taking my hunger as a sign that my metabolism is still alive and kickin’.

As I’ve said before, a big issue for me is breaking the fast correctly this time around. Last time, three days after the fast had ended, I was sick to my stomach because I had gorged myself on my delicious vegan chocolate chip cookies.

Yes, they are vegan. But vegan does not always mean healthy and good for you. My cookies are delicious because of their caramel-y batter.

ANYWAYS, enough about cookies.

Now onto the bathroom talk.

I had a pretty uncomfortable BM this morning. It woke me up at 5:47 am. I’m pretty sure I saw a centipede on my bedroom ceiling when I turned the light on and rolled over. NOT good. :(

But after the BM passed, I felt fine. In fact, the salt water flush this morning created a BM nowhere close this morning’s.

My ‘eliminations’ are bright neon yellow. I looked this up and, just like last time, this means bile. No surprises there.

Day 2 is almost over. Now excuse me while I go make more lemonade! 13 months ago

Ah, the reminiscence.

This morning I did the salt water flush for the first time in over a year.

It was really gross, as expected.

It gave me the runs (too much info, maybe, but seriously), as expected.

The lemonade is still delicious, as expected. You’d never think it; adding cayenne pepper to a lemonade sweetened by maple syrup. But it is tasty! Like I said, I decided this time around to drink the lemonade mixture warm. Good call. It tastes more satisfying this way. Hot drinks have that effect on you.

I think I’ll be going on a walk soon. So far I’ve had 2 glasses of the lemonade, and a cup of hot peppermint tea, and some warm water on its own.

More later! ~ 13 months ago

I feel better than yesterday.

I made a good smoothie.

My mail came 3 hours earlier than it usually does. This is because of a recent change stating my neighbourhood is going to get our mail sooner. That’s a first!

I still have to mow the front lawn, but I’m waiting for it to get cooler.

Today is my last day of the ease-in phase. Tomorrow is day 1 of my fast. I feel prepared! 13 months ago

So yesterday after a kind of tricky 2.5 mile run, I came back inside and did a leg workout.

I got all the workout moves from the books in the attached photo. And, wow, I woke up this morning, and my legs are so SORE. Especially my right quad.

Actually, the right quad might be some sort of injury. But nevermind that.

I woke up early this morning(and I mean way, way early), at 2 am (because I’m just now starting to go to bed at like 3pm and wake up around this time naturally – eventually, I’ll be waking up at normal times!) and I cleaned the kitchen and made two loaves of vegan banana bread.

I just had two slices with Earth Balance. I should have waited until it cooled off so the EB wouldn’t have melted so quickly, but then again, let’s be honest: am I a patient person?

So now I am about to finish this cup of tea, then wash my bedding, and then load some yoga videos. As for today’s workout… I believe I’ll be doing some strength training circuits from a Jillian Michaels DVD.

Did I mention how cold it is today? Frost-on-the-windows cold. I didn’t see any of this over the winter. Huh.

So recap: legs are still sore, I made good banana bread, I will be kind of productive today… yeah. 14 months ago

I know this, I knew it last week, and I’ll know it when I’m dead and gone, but if you want to be realistic, I’m caught up in a cleaning obsession where everything I touch must be sanitized or vacuumed or scrubbed or sprayed in some way.

Good for the house, shit for my health. This happens to me so often, sometimes I wonder: am I just naturally meant to be asleep all day and awake all night?

No, I doubt it. But amidst this weird sleeping, I have improved my running like crazy.

I need less water. I can go slightly faster. I can ignore my inner lazy-ass telling me to give up for longer.

This, in short, is WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. 14 months ago

I got last night, laaaaate last night (actually, this morning), and one of these songs is just so beautiful. I’ll probably make a post of it under my music goal… but back to what I was saying.

I’ve got a deep conditioning thing going on in my hair and a mint face mask on my face. I put on this stuff after a slow but successful 25 minute run. Again, I didn’t need much water. Or maybe I did, but I only stopped once. Victory!

Pretty soon I’ll shower this off, and then I’ll make some tea and then I’ll meditate, and then I’ll see about an arm workout.

Later tonight is yoga. It will either be a crapload of sun salutations, or maybe just nice calming restorative yoga.

:) 14 months ago

So yesterday I finally asked my mom if she would drive me to you-know-where because i was low on protein powder. At first she said “I can’t buy anymore of that again” because of the price, but I insisted I had money to buy it myself (not entirely true).

So then she says “Well, I can chip in some money…” which is code for ‘Do a chore or two for cash.”

Of course I agreed. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my bad habits of forgetting to take out the trash and start the dishwasher and clean the bathroom, it’s that when you lower a parent’s expectations of your abilities, they’re all the more content at smaller victories.

That’s probably terrible advice because it says to not try too hard, but that’s what I make of it… anyway.

So I cleaned her bathroom and did a crapload of folding and hanging laundry, which, all in all, took me over an hour.

She gave me $20. So it looks like I’ll have a little more moola than I had previously pictured myself with.

I cannot wait for Saturday. She better not leave without me again! 14 months ago

As I’ve said before many times, the hot cashier works on Saturdays. That’s a fact.

I was giddy at the thought of me getting to see him today when I went in to ‘buy incense’ as I told my mom I needed to.

Well, I get all ready to go, right?

I come out of my room, about to put on my shoes, and I decided to glance outside at the driveway.

My mother left without me!

I called her up. She refused to turn around and get me. In fact, she was already at the health food store, as she explained. And she was yelling at me over the phone, and I thought, damn. She’s there on her phone, yelling at me, and if Brandon was there I didn’t want him to hear that bullshit. So I said ‘nevermind’ and hung up.

Then she calls me right back and argues more at me about how I can’t hang up on her because of all the hours she spent on me in labor. WTF. Then she hangs up on me. SO childish. Right?

(I understand that I sound childish too, but, still).

Then an hour later or so, I’m on the couch, and I decide to call her. When she answers, she’s still there. In fact, I can hear a distinct beep-beep-beep-beep- in the background, louder than her. She’s there on a Saturday, standing at the checkout counter, and it’s probably the incredibly hot Brandon W. that’s ringing her up.

Lucky. “I gotta go. I gotta go.” Time to pay him, I think. She hangs up again.

When she came back, hours later, she had bought me incense anyway (not that she knows I didn’t really CARE about the incense), and when she wasn’t looking I found the receipt.

Yeah. “Brandon W” was her cashier.

Lucky.

Lucky.

Lucky.

Now I’m having trouble coming up with more excuses to go in there every Saturday. 14 months ago

Today my mom took me to get my deodorant, and she decided to save gas by stopping by the health food store closer to our house.

I can’t believe I did this… I lied and said they didn’t have the deodorant I liked. Just so she would drive me to the health food store that Brandon W. works at.

And I learned today that the hot cashier does not work on Fridays. Or if he does, his shift wasn’t during my drop-in.

I’m laughing at myself for even doing this. Laughing at how meticulous my behaviour was today, just for the chance to see him.

Well, it gets better. An hour after we got back home, my mom remembered that we forgot to get bergamot oil at the health food store.

So we’ll probably be going back tomorrow. And tomorrow, my friends, is Saturday.

:) 14 months ago

Yesterday I went with my mom to the library, the beauty supply store, and then Walmart.

I stayed in the car of the library and Walmart parking lots, just because the library didn’t have anything on hold for me that day, and I hate Walmart. It’s a giant depressing store with ugly people and a foul stench that makes you want to scream.

Also, we went into Payless. I saw the cutest purses, one in particular. It was shaped like a square, and it looked really fancy and chiq, and in all honesty it wouldn’t have gone with much in my wardrobe, but it was so cute.

I didn’t buy it because of the lack of money. But it’s nice to window shop sometimes.

Then I remembered that I was low on antiperspirant and I told my mom this and she asked where I had gotten mine last time, and I said the health food store. That’s where that hot cashier works. I’m not even gonna lie; I wanted to stop in there just to see him. I assume that this whole obsession is just that; an obsession. It will probably fade over time. Maybe not. But for no good reason I’ve been thinking of this Brandon W. constantly ever since that one day.

She didn’t want to drive me clear across the way to where the health food store was, so instead she drove to the grocery store, and in the deodorant aisle I was thouroughly disappointed, because 99 percent of their deoderants were tested on animals. Fuck you, Unilever.

So I didn’t get any. I felt bad that my mom had even stopped in the store for me, because I knew as I was walking in, I wasn’t going to get anything. In the hopes that she was actually going to decide to drive me over to the health food store and let me indulge in my stalker-esque instincts.

That’s the only way of putting this, right? I assume it is creepy. But in a mild way. Not like I stay after hours and watch him walk home. I know nothing about this Brandon W. And that maybe is why I am so fascinated with him.

I think I’ve seen him a total of… 3 times. Maybe 4. And I know at least that he works on Saturdays, maybe not every Saturday, but most of them.

I should just stop thinking about this. But it’s not every day a really attractive guy checks me out. Cashier or otherwise. 14 months ago

from vacation is a strange adjustment. I’m glad I can use my own kitchen again and sleep in my own bed, but the scenery isn’t as nice. In ways, though, I need to see a paved roads among endless pastures because it scares me to think I could be in such a place and have no access to help because of the isolation.

But enough of that stupid fear. I am back, and I’m about to (probably) go to the library and then maybe go to this European deli to buy this rose petal tea that I can’t get anywhere else. Maybe Amazon.com, but then there’s tax and shipping.

I like going places. Am I the only one who gets sad driving back home after going out? Sad for some reason, really sad, that the experience is over. 14 months ago

that hot cashier with the dreadlocks is named “Brandon W.”

I wish I could say this was an accident, but last Saturday is when I saw him at the health food store… so I took my skillfully crafted stalker instincts and decided to go back to the store yesterday. Another Saturday, hoping this would be his shift again.

It was. He was standing outside the entrance when I arrived, talking on the phone. He said something like, “Don’t worry about it, man…” but I forgot exactly. I know how this all sounds. Creepy as hell, but this is how I spend my days.

Then I’m standing in the protein powder aisle, with my mother, comparing ingredients (do I have timing or what? Vega protein powder was like half off, so I snagged a tub), when he came up behind me and puts something back on the shelf.

Now I’m not saying he was following me or faking this act, but it seemed a little odd to me.

I gave the stuff to my mom to go check out, and this very suave-looking Brandon W. was the one available. So I quickly went over to the shelf and grabbed a Guru energy drink (the exact one that they didn’t have last time) and then hurried over and put it on the counter. He watched me put it down, and then I took one of those coupon deal books for that store, and I left as my mom waited to pay.

This is I think the third time I’ve seen him, and he didn’t flirt with me this time because, well, my mother was right there (or so I let myself think), but the vibe I’m getting from him is a really good one.

He ain’t too shabby, and I ain’t complaining. 15 months ago

Or, well, yesterday. It’s already 12:29 a.m.

But here’s something exciting:

Level 1 30DS

Level 2 30DS

Level 3 30DS

Spring break’s starting early. Possibly as early as this Sunday.

I can’t say I’m sad. I haven’t left North Carolina since the spring of 2010.

2 years ago. 15 months ago

Today was a good Friday. As most are.

Something about my internal clock says, hey, it’s Friday, so whatever happens today, I’ll make the best of it, even if that’s not much.

I did Level 2 of the 30 Day Shred for the fifth time, and compared to day 1, it’s not exactly easier, but I’m getting better at the moves. That is what is important.

Then I fell to the floor of my room, and I was pretty tired, but I saw that I still had a lot of fight in me, so I put on my running shoes and adjusted my ankle brace and then I ran for 20 minutes around the trail in my backyard.

There was a part during the end, where I was running up a steep hill, and it was getting dark and the wind was blowing all of these petals everywhere, in such a force, and it was like a scene from Pocahontas.

Seriously, The Colors of the Wind type of thing. And not ONE of the petals or whatever they were, fell into my agape gasping mouth.

I was breathing loud, no doubt, because I was kicking so much ass, that my next door neighbour came out of his house and stepped onto his back porch to ask if I was alright. I waved and said yeah, breathless, and I was and still AM more than okay.

He went back inside, and I did too, right before this glorious storm hit.

I love rain. I don’t know why. I’d rather it rain than shine. Is this a deeper insight into how pessimistic I am?

But rain washes away things. So maybe not. 15 months ago

Right now it’s pretty early into the morning and I’m not surprised I’m still up.

I make unconscious decisions to inhale caffeine at the worst of times. And thus, I am wide awake past midnight.

I’m listening to music that, technically, I would classify as bad music. Bad because the beat is overplayed and I listened to these songs my freshman year, and that year sucked big time.

But I like this bad music. I like it because nostalgia is maybe the purest and best feeling out there.

I keep thinking about that cashier with the dreadlocks. Since I’m so cautious and sensitive, I pick up on things easily. And this dude was clearly liking what he saw. That doesn’t happen often, because I’m too awkward and rarely make efforts to look nice in public.

I saw him once before there. At time two I was alone in line, and I bet you a quarter if I go in there a third time that he’s there, something more will commence.

”... you’re gonna fucking die…. but you fuck like mice…”

See what I mean about bad music? Consider this a guilty pleasure.

I feel like I’m being caught up in something really intense and call-to-action and more importantly, honest. 15 months ago

I cleaned my room, finally, and I like that.

My workout was really hard, and I sweated a lot, and I like that.

I haven’t had much to eat today, but I’m not really hungry, and that’s strange, and I kind of like that. 15 months ago

I’ve never had this many cheers to give away. This will be… fun! 15 months ago

Today was nothing short of great.

I ate a lot of soy yogurt and ran 2 miles instead of just the one I had planned, and my last day on Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred was encouraging.

Tomorrow is Level 2, Day 1.
I’m ready.

During my second mile today, I went at an extremely easy pace and felt my breath, and I didn’t stop at all. Nor did I during the first one.

The second mile was a little out of my comfort zone; being that, there were lots of cars passing and a few people out walking.
As I was running past two girls I waved and smiled. They did the same. I also waved at a car with two other people. They waved back.

One of the cars actually stopped and watched me until I came up to the end of the road, and then, after they saw all they wanted or whatever the hell they were doing, they drove up.

Also; both miles were along the stretch of road I hate the most.

I’m starting to not hate that road. Repetition kills fear. 15 months ago