through this goal before I do lay it to rest in my treasure chest of goals to revisit when needed. (sorry, tired and waxing eloquent lol)
I love the poem in this. it was so real then. and I can see the cartoon animated little butterfly in my mind and the color draining from her wings as she cries, and then stops and looks at it draining and then just throws her head down into her little arms again and cries even harder. lol :) makes me chuckle and love her everytime. lol!!
but I wrote my 5 entries, and this will goal on my list of tenets or whatever I call that list later. I just want to reread these so I grasp again the heart of this goal and the power in it before I move on.
- efg 12 months ago
is becoming a powerful goal. more powerful than I realized. It’s amazing to me how many of these goals get written up withe certain thoughts in mind, and then accomplished or completed in ways I could never have thought of.
but given that I will not soar to false hope, we will see just how this continues to pan out and whether I’ve been led/stumbled across something life altering or not.
we will see. 18 months ago
In a valley in a pit
Wanting simply just to quit
Sat a little butterfly
With broken wings
No matter how she tried
She could no longer fly
And she sobbed her heart out
In loss of everything
Rain and bleak the atmosphere.
All that glistened were her tears,
The color slowly
Fading from her wings.
Beat and worn, ripped and torn,
All alone, she was forlorn;
She’d believed she had been meant
For greater things.
But in a valley in a pit
Wishing life itself would quit
Cried a wounded, fragile
And above was rain and dark,
Around was oppressive stark
For who risks his life to
~ 20 months ago
this I think is actually becoming a bit of a belief in me. It’s something I find myself coming back to or saying in my defense lol again and again. I hope it does stick. I need it to. Would be helpful. 20 months ago
even if specific examples aren’t quite there in my mind clearly, well, my mind is having a hard time thinking anything very clearly right now. A few health crisis have made me want to be one place and one place only – my bed. Which is rather shocking given that I’ve been in bed for most of this last month recovering from an injury. ah well…. sigh.
right now, I’m just lonely and I don’t even know why. i wish I had someone to be strong for me. there’s a truth. but it’s more than that. it’s feel so so weary down to my DNA. lol you know the way you feel when it’s cold, rainy, and biting wind outside, and you’ve just walked two blocks in it making it into a little shoppe just before it poured and pelted. And you huddle close to the window in the dimly lit, rather cold place looking out at the bleary scene as you pull your turned up collar closer about you, rub your arms, and wish for a hot cup of tea. that’s how I feel
I know part of it is health. I can cozy under enough covers, and try to get warm enough to feel warm. I know part of it is needing a hug. I can try to finagle one out from someone in the next 24 hours. I know part of it though is just the still present questions, rumbles of dark storm clouds above, the uncertainty of my little ship making it to a safe harbor before she splinters into a million pieces which doesn’t seem far from happening with all the holes she’s got plugged up. My hope is to make it in before the storms hit again and again and I go under. I’m too weary to paddle and steer and bail out the water as well. So for now…. we sleep.
take care of what I can I guess :( or try. and see what and where happens next. 20 months ago
1.) my recent doctor’s appointment. It was a huge surprise that I could get in so quickly. The kind of surprise that makes you stop and stare a minute…. and be tempted to start believing everything will work out just wonderfully after all. Instead I kept more grounded than usual, and I’m glad. While it really is something to be mentioned more than once, I am not really worse for the trip, and seriously, that’s good. There were just so many things that could go so very wrong. However, the medical advice was just, well, it made me really sad. It doesn’t take much these days to put me under since I’m living so close to it, it seems. But because I didn’t soar on hope in the beginning, the news hurt but didn’t have me digging deeper into a pit because I wasn’t even thinking of getting out anymore. You know? Basically. I’m whipped from the trip, sad from the news, uncomfortable from the unresolved symptoms, and still grateful I got to go, and it’s over. I have to figure out what I want to do for my symptoms etc. but I’m glad I didn’t cry. I really could have if I hadn’t had this goal firmly planted in me at that point.
2.) Took a friends’ advice and on a whim started looking at options to get away from the situation I’m in, and more aptly, certain people. I came up with some ideas I really hadn’t realized could even be part of the picture before. and while again, it’s so hard not to let your heart take flight and drown blissfully in that experience called hope, I didn’t fully let it go. More than perhaps I should have, true, but I didn’t all out dream. Now it looks like those options are not likely to pan out immediately, and it’s at least a bit easier to realize, okay, it’s not for now :( but this is still a viable option, and it’s good I’m thinking that direction.
this doesn’t sound as successful to me now that I write it, but it’s no surprise sadness is still here. I knew it would be. accept it for now and move through it, deal with it later. I guess it’s just training a new habit. To not let possibilities make me hope and wish fervently because unless they are grounded, I will fall fast and hard to the cold, unforgiving ground.
3 more to go on this goal. 20 months ago