It’s like this..over the years of being taken advantage of, stepped on, beat down, and told that you’ll never be or do anything and not getting the adequate love from those that are suppose to love you unconditionally, I have pretty much conditioned myself to be a closed person. I really don’t disclose much information about myself unless I’ve known u for sometime but even then I hold back alot because I’m use to disappointment. It sucks because I’m gettin older now and I’m meeting some real coo people..people that I would like to establish real friendships with and I can’t find it in myself to just open up more. It seems as if the only thing that makes me free is when I go out party and drink, then I can talk about alot but who should have to do that. I should not have to abuse alcohol or any other substance in order to be me..thats crazy I think. The biggest thing right now in my life is that I met a real coo guy that I wanna pursue and I find myself just shuttin the door at certain points..certain questions I won’t answer, or certain things I won’t even ask just to avoid having to go into detail about anything. I just do not wanna scare him away and make him think I’m not interested because of my semi stand offish behavior. He says he understands me already and he ain’t goin to pressure me, he’ll let me gradually come out..but what if I can’t? I am so fearful of my feelings that its ridiculous. I’m really thinkin bout seekin counseling or sumthin.
