The problem with bottled up rage and having been bullied that long is… I don’t want to compromise and make peace.

I just want to make the statement that these people:

1) I hate.
2) They are insignificant.
3) I can’t believe how they find themselves to be the end all be all of everything! This?! This?! is what it’s all for? You want me to show up to this? You want to reproduce yourselves for more of this? For the celebration of disillusioned mediocrity?!

Guess the best way I have of doing that is ignoring them. I actually respect them too much by taking into account what they say.

My mind is not very sharp today, I don’t see how I’m going to defend myself.

I have fantasies of going Incredible Hulk on them, pushing the table in their faces, throwing food, assaulting them physically, screaming my lungs out. You suck! You have always sucked! Why are you people so satisfied with yourselves? Why have you forgiven yourselves? Why have you accepted yourselves as you are and not worked to be better???

I just don’t get it. 13 months ago

My mother has a way of getting to me because

She’s utterly alienating. She has a way of making these public loud statements that validate EVERYTHING I am against and which are ALWAYS an indirect insult, and for which you CAN’T call her on because she claims she says things innocently.

Basically, EVERYTHING that comes of her mouth, I feel like giving her a giant slap.

I’m not going to humour her à la J T, the girl who respects no one and pats herself on the back for her last diss, laughing at her own jokes. The girl for whom nothing is too low AND that’s when she censors herself.

I don’t know how to be with these people. 13 months ago

I’ve been reading about Narcissism, more specifically, narcissistic mothers.

The kinds that drive you crazy. The kinds that are always right. The kind that never sees fault in herself. The kind that never accepts a reproach and directs it back to you.

They’re good. Narcissists are good. Where I look for truth, they look for dominance. Where I care for accuracy and betterment, they look to shift responsibility to others. Where I ask them to prove themselves, they twist things around and make you prove yourself to them.

I’m outraged by the type. By the fact that they exist. That few people see their act. That they are accepted and worst, respected.

I caught my mother talking in my back again through the phone. I hate that she’s not respectful enough to even try to mask her voice and spare me the “tell her this and that”.

I hate her with all my heart.

Her comments are indelibly programmed my brain. And I always hear her putting me down. Maybe this is where I take responsibility and undo all her damage.

I shouldn’t let her comments loop like a broken record because she doesn’t always put much thought in what she says. She told me the other day, when I reproached her for calling me as stupid as a cow (the time she screamed it at me in my adolescent years)... That I’m a bad sport because she just says things like that. Meaning, that they don’t mean anything.

Well, that’s a cope out. How am I supposed to take anything you say seriously, if there’s the chance that you’ll take it away?

She’s put me down so often, it’s just become who I am. Everytime I do something well, I can feel her invalidating it, and saying my sisters would do it better. Every time I’m hopeful, she puts me down.

She sucks.

Why doesn’t she know that she sucks? 13 months ago

- She’s a left-handed compliments specialist.

‘You look so pretty today. You wear nice clothes these days. Back when you had that hideous skirt, it was sooooooo ugly…’ 13 months ago

I’m starting to feel as though in her mind, I exist solely for her to put down and for her to inflate her ego…

She needs me for ego boosting or she has nothing. 13 months ago

- She turns a satisfying comment into ‘it’s not enough’

If I tell her about a professor who teaches an interesting class and notices my talent: ‘so is he going to give you a job?’

If I tell her my boss likes my work ‘so is her gonna pay you more?’ 13 months ago

- She’s pretentious.

She likes to think that she knows me better than anyone else, knowing me since I was born. When I told her that for my cousin, her own mother was the most important person in her life, my mother reacted ‘but of course!’.. I wonder if she thinks all mothers are the most important in their daughter’s life… I wonder about what she tells herself about her place in mine… 13 months ago

A few more minor things…

- She likes to snidely joke that she’s getting old, she forgets things and it’s because of her kids.

- We took a dreadful flight once, I was 10 or 11 and my little sister only 5. We sat the three of us in a row and she lied down on my sister and I, so that she could sleep?!!! Is it me, or should the five-year old be the one allowed to sleep on her mother’s lap? 13 months ago

This list is not so bad. I’m just writing it down hopefully so that I can let go of these memories…

Maybe it’s a good sign that the memories are more and more harmless…

Expect a relapse though, this is not going to go away in a few days!

- Whenever I put up some resistance for anything, she kept criticizing me for being selfish and for not ‘sacrificing myself’ and being ungrateful. An entire childhood of being victimized by my older sister and baby-sitting the younger one, summers spent assisting her at her dreadful practice…

- This one is not too much her fault but: lack of intellectual stimulation.

Whenever I wanted to be stimulated, being open to new possibilities she would close it down. ‘One good job’ instead of a career consisting of different positions, learn in a linear way instead of having fun bouncing ideas around.

When I once told her having a pool was dangerous for kids (in my adolescent lifeguarding years), she looked down on me like the dumbest of mortals and nearly screamed : ‘are you dumb? there are people everywhere around a pool!’... Interestingly, she recently claimed ‘what was I thinking, buying a house with a pool when you guys were young?’

- She is DEAD DUMB : she doesn’t understand conservation efforts. Here’s a favourite, let beluga whales die because we also have to eat and they hog…all the shrimp? WHAT???? She belongs in the movie The Cove.

- She is uninspiring: whenever I told her I was afraid of completing my lifeguard training due to the responsiblity of handling spinal cord injuries and heart attacks anywhere I go, she’s like, just leave them there, why do you have to get involved?

Fascinatingly, she wanted me to be a healthcare professional.

Fascinatingly, when I retorted, how can you say something like that ‘you’re a physician!’, she gave me that ‘you just crossed a line’ look and I recanted. I shouldn’t have. I was right. 13 months ago