The time has come… I’m moving back in. We’ve come a long way and we’ve been living together for the last 6 weeks. Tomorrow I’ll give my notice to move out of my place. I went around there today and packed up some clothes, but I have to say that I shed a tear for my own space – I will miss it and I’m very nervous about moving back in. I hope I can continue to hold onto my sense of self, my needs and my voice and we’ll be fine. Better than ever. 6 months ago
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This is too hard. It shouldn’t be this hard. Everything I thought we had acheived in counselling was proven to me in a single conversation to have had no effect at all. The last thing I said was “it’s over” and hung up. Actually, I might’ve screamed it. OK, by that point I’d gone a little nuts. That’s why I hung up. I hated the way I sounded – all hysterical and “girly”.
Truly, though, enough is enough. I don’t feel respected, heard or valued. The most hurtful thing is that when I share something sensitive about myself, he uses it against me in an arguement and then says “I’m just saying what you told me”.
Nope. The only way this can work is with a counsellor in the room (and even then it takes a full hour just for him to convince B of the point he’s trying to make). Too hard basket case. I’m out. 12 months ago
but don’t forget all the twisty bits in between
We had a counselling session yesterday that was really positive. There was a major breakthrough. B was completely turned around on something. Instead of it being my fault, my failing, the way I was brought up, he was able to see he could get a different result from me by changing the way he communicated. This is exactly the point I’ve been reading: when you have a problem in your relationship “pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass”. I haven’t been able to do it yet. Not really. But tonight I thought, well, if he can do it, maybe I can too. So, there’s an issue that has always bothered me and I do what he did. I blame him, his personality, his upbringing… but what can I do differently to acheive a different result? I don’t have the answer, but I have the question and that’s improvement. 12 months ago
Two steps forward two(hundred) back. I’m right back where I was – I just want to be free of him. ARGH! Why am I so confused?
Ok, calm down and breathe.
It seems that all the positive things I was imagining for us are not at all what he is imagining and he is placating the counsellor (and me) by agreeing and saying that he understands in the sessions. Then a few days later he says he thinks the guy just wants us to see it all his way and “how much longer does it have to go on for?”.
And argumentative. And selfish. And wanting it all his way. And I’m so mad right now I could spit. I can’t even express what it is that happened to get me so angry. I don’t want to work this hard. If he’s not going to be supportive and understanding and sober, I’d rather be alone. There, I said it. 12 months ago
I’m thinking about moving back in. It’s the first time I’ve considered it since I moved out in January.
My lease ends on June 3rd, so I’ll be free to go after that. Financially, it will be easier. The kids said outright and unsolicited last week that they prefer it when we’re all in the same house. And… well, I’m beginning to feel like having him around more.
I have a friend that needs a house for a few months while she’s separating from her husband, so I was thinking of offering her this place, with all my furniture, knowing that if it doesn’t work out in that time, I can easily come back. Is that a good plan or is it unfair and non-committal of me?? 13 months ago
Last counselling session, we made a list of all the things we each want out of a relationship. The counsellor then prompted us to come up with a few essential ones until we had a picture of what our ideal relationship would look like. I have to say, when I looked at the list I thought “I would LOVE that relationship. I could commit to a relationship like that – no matter WHO the other person was!”
Then we went through and gave a score from 1 – 10 for how each of those things was working in our currently relationship… let’s just say, it made me think “no wonder we ended up here!” But at least now we have something to aim for and work towards, which will be the objective for next week’s (and subsequent) sessions. Hope is stirring in me. 13 months ago
We had a very, wait, let me say very interesting counselling session this afternoon. Woah! So, once again, we didn’t get to do what was planned, because we are delving deeper into our history, our feelings, our thoughts. I think the counsellor breathed a sigh of relief(!) that we are finally revealing something he can work with. The big revelation of today was that I have never comitted to this relationship. Thirteen years down the track and I’m still going day by day, rolling with it, really just waiting for B to move on! (or something). And in all this time we haven’t really gotten to know each other. Finally we got to see that our perceptions of the other were not correct. Not then, not now. So am I willing to comit? Actually, no one ever asked me before. Guess I’m still waiting to be swept off my feet. 14 months ago
From one extreme to the other. I won’t go into blow by blows, but we are trying again…again! I’ve comitted to the next three counselling sessions – these are the ones where we talk about what we want from a relationship and how we are going to acheive it. It’s hard to imagine that I was ready to give this all away a few days ago, with the amount of love and good-will I’m feeling right now towards B. And today I heard about someone’s unhappy relationship. I indentified so strongly with her feelings. But I don’t feel that way anymore. So, what’s changed? Maybe it’s because I moved out, maybe because he doesn’t drink so much anymore. Or maybe it’s because I’m more assertive and positive and making it clear what I want and what I won’t put up with. Maybe I’m focussing on what I would love and creating that instead of subconciously trying to prove my underlying assumptions (that I’m not lovable, that I need to be perfect to be loved, that I can’t look after myself or make my own decisions) by picking stupid fights or setting up these situations. I’m seeing the light. In him, in me, in the future. It’s bright. 14 months ago
I have just had the worst birthday dinner of my life. I only stayed and endured it because it is my daughter’s 7th birthday also. I won’t go into details, but he had been drinking and that always makes him overreact. He can’t seem to consider anyone else’s feelings or point of view as soon as he’s had a couple. Stupid me, instead of waiting until tomorrow told him I didn’t want to see him if he’d been drinking. He became totally unreasonable and mean. Saying things to the kids that were directed at me and when I called him on it, said he was “being discreet”. It was awful, just truly horrendous. When I said I was leaving straight after the cake he said “well, you know if you go now, that’s it, it’s all over?”, so I left. He followed me outside and then said “so, don’t you have anything to say?” Like what? OK, I’m no angel. I haven’t painted the myself into this picture of confrontation and nastiness, but I honestly don’t know what happened. One minute we were talking and preparing dinner, the next minute, passive-aggression. I tried the communication techniques from the counsellor, they lasted all of 10 seconds before it blew up into full-blown aggression with shouting and insults! I’m tired. I want something so far from this, I can’t imagine this ever becoming what I want…I said a few days ago that I couldn’t imagine my life without him, well tonight I can’t picture my future with him. I guess I just have to brace myself for some really nasty stuff in the coming months, but what else can I do? 14 months ago
Was more like attending a class on communication – the trick now, is putting the skills into practice.
We are booked into 3 more sessions which promise to be quite confronting, but also structured, deconstructing and reconstructing, and best of all…promising. 14 months ago
He said “you can’t seem to make the decision and I can’t stand to live like this anymore. It’s just over, isn’t it?” and I couldn’t just say “yes” and walk away. I thought for a long time. It’s what I had planned to do anyway, but come crunch time…I just can’t imagine my life without him. I cried…alot. Eventually.
Back to counselling we go! 14 months ago
So… the last time he came over for dinner (Fri) he said “I get the message” and left all sad and dejected when I made it clear I wasn’t interested in going to bed with him. I didn’t see him again until this morning (Sun) when he came to collect the kids and I have been totally fine. Aware that I have probably put the wheels of permanent separation in motion, but OK with it. So he arrived and left today with no kiss, but no animosity and still obviously sad. Now he and the kids are gone and I feel depressed. WTF??? What do I want? Did I really expect him to come over smiling and happy with an amiable kiss on the cheek and leave with “have a great day”? And then there is the double birthday next weekend (my daughter and I are on the same day). We have plans to go to a wildlife park and camp overnight at the beach…what of that? What I want seems to be everything!! This is hard. This is really hard. 14 months ago
Finally I have decided that this relationship needs a goal in it’s own right. We frustrated the relationship counsellor today! Not a good sign. He (rather astutely) observed that we didn’t seem “comitted” to working this out. He suggested we go away and reflect on the thought “I want to be with you as me”. I think when I moved out, I truly thought we could reconcile as long as he made changes. Today the counsellor was talking about respecting each other’s beliefs and thoughts and each other as they are. I listened, thinking it was all directed at B, that he was the one needing to respect me. Then it dawned on me…I want him to be someone else, too. I can’t expect him to change…why should he? 14 months ago