There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church; and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But—The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since. 11 months ago

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a hat reading “Viet Nam Veteran.”

I had never had one of these before and was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ron was considerate enough to take the time to mail it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to WalMart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer, but since I’ve retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I usually feel much more normal after seeing some of the people who frequent that establishment.

But, enough of my psychological fixes…

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”

“No” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that hat?”

“Because I couldn’t find my one for the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh” the Walmartian queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936”

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to be way fun.

“Dude! Really!” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude!” He was really getting excited about what he was hearing. “That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you, like, kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.” The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still Top Secret and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he said, giving me the “don’t threaten me” look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look, I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was laughing so hard she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw the dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another ‘deadly serious’ look, I made the “I see you” gesture at my eyes. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat. 11 months ago

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up. 11 months ago

I found this on youtube this morning. I hope anyone watching it enjoys it as much as I did. 11 months ago

• The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
  Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

• Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!”
  Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

• Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
  Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
  The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.” 11 months ago

One cannot always choose his neighbor across the way. 11 months ago

A young boy named Johnny was travelling with his family on vacation thru Oklahoma. At a truckstop just outside one of the state’s Indian reservations, he saw an old medicine man sitting in a rocking chair in front of a souvenier shop. On a post next to him it said “Great Medicine Man, Knows All, Never Forgets, Will answer any questions for $1.00.”
Johnny asked his Dad for a dollar and gave it to the old medicine man then asked “What did George Washington have for breakfast the morning of his presidential inauguration?”
“Eggs” answered the Medicine Man.
Johnny didn’t have time for another question as his family was leaving and his Dad told him to hurry up and get into the car.
Years later, Johnny was driving thru Oklahoma with his wife and children and happened upon the same old Medicine man outside the same old souvenier shop at the same old truckstop. Johnny thought to himself, “I wonder if he’ll remember me.”
He walked up to the old medicine man and greeted him “How”.
“Scrambled.” replied the old medicine man. 11 months ago

How to handle telemarketers.
You really have to listen to this video on youtube. A friend just email it to us and I am still laughing after hearing it. If you don’t think it is funny too, just tell me so. 12 months ago

So we are in the store buying groceries and I see dill pickle spears on the shelf. Of a given brand, there is two types: kosher and nonkosher (absence of the word). So I asked “What is the difference?”
My husband told me that kosher has several meanings. In the slaughtering of meat, only certain cuts are kosher and prepared under the watchful eye of a Rabbi. Only certain animals can be kosher. I’m fairly sure I’m acquainted with that definition.
“So what about vegetables?” asked I.
“I don’t know. Maybe they are blessed by a Rabbi, too.”
I looked at the label closely. The only difference is one ingredient. Oddly enough, it is the kosher pickles that have the extra ingredient: garlic. I guess it is to ward off Jewish vampires.
I looked up kosher this morning and found this.
I don’t know if it is of any help. 13 months ago

A little girl asked her mom, “Where do we come from?”
The mother answered, ”God created us”. Later the girl asked her dad the same.
The dad answered, “People evolved from apes.”
The confused girl asked her mom again ”Mom, how is it that you told me that people were made by God, and Dad said they evolved from apes?”
The mom answered, “Simple. I told you about my side of the family and your dad told you about his.” 13 months ago