I was about to have a panic when I decided to take myself away from the thoughts that were triggering it and I tried to think of something to make it go away.
I thought about the fact that there are 59 days until we’re together again. 35 being school days. 7 weekends.
I thought about the fact that there will be things for me to do in that time. My job. Apprenticeship course work. Christmas shopping. Christmas decorations. Wrapping presents. Christmas day and boxing day.
I thought about the fact that it’s one turn of a calendar.
I thought about the things to do to keep myself distracted from the sadness and loneliness. Recipes I want to learn. Books I’ve got to read.
And I thought about my future. I can’t really visualise that far into it. All I can really see when I try to imagine it is you. Us. Doing things together. Going to interesting places together or simply just cuddling on the sofa watching TV together. Cooking together and sleeping together and you reading to me at night. I wondered if you would find this weird or sad or scary. I wondered if you’d pity me for only being able to see you as a solid part of my future or if you’d think me stupid. I worried over what you’d think and I wondered why you were all I could imagine. I guess it’s because you are the only stable thing in my life. I never know what is going to happen from day to day; whether tomorrow will be good or bad. But I always know that I will be loved and cared for by you, no matter what happens.
I feel somewhat calmer now- no longer like I’m going to panic and break down. I feel just as sad and just as lonely but my thoughs seem clearer.
I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t really mind. 1 month ago
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I was about to have a panic when I decided to take myself away from the thoughts that were triggering it and I tried to think of something to make it go away.
Tonight I had an awful tummy and felt super unwell. After talking to you, it’s better.
You make me feel like the most important person in the whole world. I feel special and loved and cared for.
I feel good about myself and I feel happy.
I love you more than I miss you. And I miss you so much it hurts. 1 month ago
I was okay earlier. No ‘thought’ about it, I actually was okay.
It’s only when I was alone that it hit me that actually I was sad. Very, very, very sad indeed. And it hurt a lot and I didn’t like it. I suddenly felt very lonely and fed up with the situation that I’m in and I feel like I can’t go on any longer with it. I don’t know how I will.
I just know that, right now, I don’t have a choice.
And no matter how alone I might feel the days between seeing Jamie, I never am. 1 month ago
Jamie came to stay again! I’ve started to keep my though about all of this in a more private way and a way that is more permanent and I feel like I have somewhat neglected this goal.
Today he left and I strangely don’t feel as bad as I normally do. I miss him just as much and wish he were here just as much as I normally do but I am not crying as much. My heart still hurts though. I guess it’s because I know that it’s only like 60 days until I see him again and all I have to do is get through seven weeks of work until we get to be together again. I feel so loved and so cared for and so happy that the sadness maybe just hasn’t been able to get to me yet.
The love that I feel has only ever gotten more. It’s bigger and deeper and better than it ever was and it only gets more like that. And I only ever feel like I am more loved than ever and it’s amazing.
When I see Jamie after not seeing him it’s strange because it doesn’t feel like I’m seeing him again after a long time. It feels like my reality has simply been paused. Everything sort of falls into place when we’re together and everything seems better. It feels right.
Even through all this positivity I can tell you that I cannot fucking wait until we live together and we don’t have to go through this bollocks.
Jamie is the best and I have so much to thank him for but I just don’t know how to do it. 1 month ago
You know what? This time I really thought I was going to be okay. I didn’t think I was going to cry and hurt and be sad. I was just expecting to feel chilled out, relaxed and happy after a few wonderful days with my favourite person. I was wrong. I am not okay. I am sad and I hurt and I can’t stop crying and right now that overwhelms the chilled out, relaxed and happy feelings that Jamie gives me.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope. Every time I wonder this and every time I wish I had tips on how to. It only gets worse. He’s miles and miles away where I can’t snuggle into him or hold his hand. He’s not here to hold me together when I feel like the sadness is going to split me in half or when the bad thoughts threaten to overwhelm me. I more than miss him. It genuinely feels like part of me is missing.
And I can’t escape it. There are so many reminders. My whole bedroom smells of him. I have lots of things people would consider rubbish; sweet wrappers, toothpaste boxes, deodorant cans, coins. All little seemingly insignificant things that I keep for sentimental reasons. Because they remind me of him. That he was here with me. I’ll be finding his hairs for weeks in the weirdest of places, in my mouth or in my socks or in the kitchen. There’s his spot on the sofa that I never sit in (except for now because today doesn’t count) because it’s his. And his side of the bed, even when he’s not in it it’s still his side.
I don’t know how much longer I will be able to cope with this. I’ve had enough of saying goodbye. It hurts too much and I miss him too much and I am a better me when I am with him. He makes me complete and I am sick of spending most of my life with a vital part of me missing. That’s what this goal is about. The day I am able to click that I have completed it will be the day that everything is finally okay. I don’t know when that will be but for the love of God I hope it’s soon.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I see him next. I might go and see him at his house or he might come back to mine. As much as I really would love to go and see where he lives and it would be my place I’ve never been before this year, I don’t really mind where it is that we’re together, as long as we are. And that’s going to be in October for half term. That’s not so far away really. I have my first half term of work to keep me busy!
I don’t know if he still reads my 43Things but I hope he does. I want him to know that he is loved more than I could ever say and he is missed incredibly. 3 months ago
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
All my love forever and always,
xoxoxoxoxo 4 months ago
August seems to be a ridiculously popular month for people taking time off work. I don’t know why. What I do know is that it’s causing a little bit of a problem. My birthday is also in August. Thankfully I get the summer off from work (joys of being offered a job in a school) and don’t need to worry. Jamie doesn’t get the time off though. And he might not be able to book time off. Which makes me really upset. This year is a really big year for me and I selfishly want it to be special and, of course, I want Jamie to be there with me. Because no matter what happens if he’s there it will be special. And I love spending time with him.
Recently I’ve been ridiculously lonely and sad and missing Jamie. I know it’s been nearly four weeks since I last saw him but that’s just too long. I want there to be like, no weeks between seeing him. I want to be with him all the time. I want to be able to not worry about not being able to with him on his birthday or mine. I just want to be with him and I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t. Not just my birthday but ever.
I’m keeping my fingers, toes and everything else crossed in hope that he can get my birthday off so we can spend time together and it be great and lovely like it always is. 4 months ago
An entry written by a half asleep, very tired, rather sad but also somewhat happy Kira after a phone call with Jamie.
I realised as I was saying goodnight to Jamie on the phone that I really hate saying goodbye. No matter what it always makes me tear up to say goodbye.
Saying goodnight feels nicer. It doesn’t have the same finality or horridness that goodbye does.
I don’t ever want to say goodbye. Never ever ever ever. 5 months ago
Last night I was procrastinating. Wasting time doing stuff that didn’t need to be done so I didn’t have to get into bed. As much as sleep is nice and my bed is comfortable and warm it reminds me of too many nice things that make me sad at the moment. I don’t like going to bed by myself. I don’t like the darkness or the mass of room I get in bed. I don’t like having the whole duvet to myself and I don’t like choosing which side I get to sleep on. I don’t like the fact that my teddy bears don’t cuddle me back and that sometimes they fall our of bed. I don’t like how quite the room is.
As I was brushing my hair it hit me that there are so many things I miss out on. Things that, in the future when I do live with Jamie, I promised myself I would never take for granted. Cuddles. Kisses. Holding hands. Having someone there to untangle my hair when I can’t do it. Having someone there for comfort when I have a bad dream. Having someone there to help when I hurt myself.
It’s all worth it though. Anyone reading this stuff might not think so but the bad stuff no way outweighs the good. Jamie makes me so incredibly happy. I know that I am loved. And I can promise you that when I next know when I will be seeing Jamie again the excitement I feel will make all of this sadness disappear. It’ll be like I never felt this. But for the time that I do feel like this I will keep building my scrapbook and collecting my happy memories and trying to think of ways to cope. 5 months ago
It’s been over twenty four hours now and I should feel better. But I don’t. It doesn’t feel any easier or any better or any less painful than it did yesterday.
Little things set me off so easily. Just walking into a room or sitting in a certain place. Things around the house that are constant reminders of very happy memories with you. It’s bittersweet; things that make me very happy but at the same time make me just as sad. The whole damn island I live on is like that for me. While time does lessen the awful, raw pain that I’m feeling now and I can appreciate the happy memories more it never really goes away. It’s always got twinges of sad attached. And honestly, I have no idea how to cope with this.
I have no idea how to cope with the whole situation. I can’t see how it’s going to get better or less painful. I can’t see how it can improve because the situation won’t. I guess the longer it is that I last saw you means that it’s closer to when I’ll see you again but something that just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
As soon as I know you’re going to be here again, and when, the bad stuff seems to all disappear and when you finally are here everything feels wonderful and perfect. It feels like more than enough. I am so incredibly happy I can’t even explain it. Bad stuff seems so much less bad and good stuff seems a lot more good. I feel more confident and less scared. I feel more like myself. You make me feel special and cherished and appreciated. It is so horrible to have all of that taken away so quickly. One minute I am the happiest person in the world and everything feels alright and the next minute I’m stuck in a big black hole of sadness, loneliness and bleakness. It’s a shock to the system and that makes it all so much worse. I can’t stop thinking that only so many hours ago or the other day I was with you doing whatever and I was happy and safe and warm and loved and now I am not with you and I am not happy and I do not feel safe or warm. The only thing that doesn’t change is that I still know that I am loved. I am so grateful for what I have with you and I never want anyone to think that I’m not or that I don’t appreciate it. Because I do, more than anyone will ever know. I love my times with you so much. I just wish there were more of them and there was less time in between. Preferably all the time with nothing in between. I don’t want to go to the dark place. I want to feel all the lovely things all of the time. I don’t want to have it taken from me anymore. I want it back and I want it back permanently.
All my love, always.
xoxoxoxo 5 months ago
It’s that time again. The time where I’m super sad because Jamie’s just left me after a really nice time together. The time that I write an entry about how sad I am and how I don’t want to go through this again and how I can’t wait to live with Jamie so I don’t have to.
It’s gotten to a point now where the time I spend with Jamie seems like what is normal and the time I’m without Jamie is what isn’t normal though this certainly isn’t the case. It’s like I’m just biding my time until I get back to normality.
I think this time will be even weirder. I have no college to keep me busy. I used to have to associate with dozens of people a day and now it’s just going to be me and mum for goodness knows how long. And as much as I absolutely adore my mummy, I need something else. Jamie is so much to me, including my best friend and now I won’t have any friends. I should still have a bit to do such as applications for apprenticeships, checking out college courses that would be good, keeping the house tidy in case anyone comes to view it, looking for places to move to and stuff like that.
I feel like part of me is missing right now. I don’t really feel like me. It’s so easy to be myself when I’m with Jamie, even when I feel bad things. I don’t feel like I have to hold back or hide anything and I can just be me. It’s weird.
I don’t want to go back to the way things are without Jamie. I want to spend all my time with him. Yes, we’ve all heard this before but it doesn’t change. I want to live with him so bad. For the cuddles and relaxedness and for being with him and for never having to say goodbye.
I don’t want to do this anymore. 5 months ago
I’ve had so much to write but not the words to use. Lately I’ve been missing Jamie an awful lot as this has been the longest I have gone without seeing him in almost two years. I think? I hope that he’s going to be coming after my exams and then again for when it’s my birthday. I can’t wait to see him again and it makes me sad that I can’t be with him all the time. I’m scared for my future and I don’t know when I’m going to get to be with him. I know it’s going to be a long time and I don’t want to wait, but I will.
I want to see my Jamie.
I want to live with my Jamie.
I’m sick of feeling sad and lonely. 6 months ago
Scientists say that the ‘love’ feeling wears off in a couple after 18 months.
I don’t know what this feeling is meant to be.
It confuses me because my love feeling hadn’t worn off. It’s been more than 18 months now and I only love Jamie more. And that will only continue to grow.
I don’t get the weird physical feeling of knowing I love Jamie all the time, something I can’t explain. I do feel the emotional feeling though. I do love Jamie. And I do feel that I do. If that makes any sense. 7 months ago
(DISCLAIMER: mush, grossness, soppy, cringey loveydoveyness.)
Thank you for believing in me when nobody else does and thank you for making me believe in myself.
Thank you for not giving up on me no matter what happens. And thank you for giving me reason to trust you.
Thank you for never breaking a pinky promise because they’re important and you know that.
Thank you for giving me reasons to trust you and for never giving me reasons to stop trusting you.
Thank you for being there when I’m at my worst but also thank you for being there at my best. Thank you for bringing out my best.
Thank you for understanding how I feel and not being angry. Thank you for letting me feel all the emotions I need to feel and for making me feel okay about it.
Thank you for comforting me in the middle of the night even when you’re tired and hundreds of miles away.
Thank you for making me feel feminine and girly and pretty and sexy all the time.
Thank you for making me do happy eyes.
Thank you for making me like the things that I should feel bad about.
Thank you for giving me the warm fuzzy feeling and thank you for making me do excited squirms and funny faces even when I’m surrounded by people.
Thank you for being the best cuddler and hugger and kisser and snuggler and everything elser ever.
Thank you for not being angry when I constantly cling to you at night. And for not being angry when I steal the covers. And thank you for letting me sleep on your arm and for stopping me grinding my teeth in my sleep instead of getting annoyed.
Thank you for helping me sleep.
Thank you for making me feel safe and cared for and loved.
Thank you for your perfect self. Including your Kingly beard, of course.
Thank you for understanding about my allergies and stuff. And not getting angry with me when it means you can’t have things you want.
Thank you for being you. I think that you are perfect and amazing and wonderful. The only think I would change is the distance between us (which, given the chance, I’d eradicate completely). You are the bestest and the cooliest and the most fantabulous person that I have ever met. You are my favourite person.
And I love you Jamie. 7 months ago
Another late, bed written entry. I wanted to leave myself something to make sure I didn’t forget the phone call I just had.
I am loved. I am wanted. I am cared for. I am missed.
There are moments I want to document sometimes, things that are important and I don’t want to forget.
It’s not like a big turning point in my relationship or a big revelation its far more simple.
It’s just a declaration of feelings and of love. Love that would go further than even the best telescope would be able to see. Love that’s bigger than the universe (the universe is like a petite fois in comparison). Love that means giving up so much for someone.
Being told that I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and believing it. Believing that I’m a good person because he convinces me.
Feeling all sorts of wonderful positive things about myself because someone else thinks them about me and I believe and trust him.
Believing that everything is going to be okay when he tells you to. Why you believe it this time you don’t know. You just agree. Everything will be okay.
Being able to stop the sad tears and cry happy ones.
Silly bets that will be kept. Ones where nobody really loses.
There’s a sense of relief. I don’t know why or what or how. I feel lighter.
To be in a relationship like this is amazing. It grows and strengthens and gets even more perfect (is that possible?!) every day. I’m blessed to have found someone like Jamie. And I cherish and love him very much. I’ll try not to overload on the mush at this point but I do adore Jamie and I feel adored by him. I never even imagined I could be in a situation like this.
Tonight, even though I am sad and alone and craving cuddles like you wouldn’t believe, I am still going to fall asleep feeling happy and loved. 8 months ago
Another entry painstakingly written from my phone as I lay in bed after a Jamie phone call.
I do feel desperately sad. I’m still missing, and will continue to miss my Jamie so fucking bad it hurts. I still feel scared and worried and I still don’t know how I’m going to cope. I still feel awful and sad and lonely.
But I also feel loved and cherished and missed and cared for and looked after.
Thank you Jamie for still making me feel better even if you’re miles away.
Thank you also for being there for me always and for putting up with my shit and still loving me.
You’re the best.
I’m practically falling asleep so that’s my cue for sleepies. 8 months ago
How am I going to do this again? How do I go through this all again? And for such a long time… I have so much going on in the next few months and it’s scary and stressing me out and lord above I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
I apologise for the mush but goodness gracious do I miss my Jamie. It hurts so much I feel like I’m going to crack right down the middle and it feels like my heart is going to rip into two parts. It feels like I’m missing a big, vital part of me. I just feel so empty and sad and lonely. I can’t stop crying and I don’t feel any better.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope without having him cuddle me all night every night. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without kisses and cuddles and hand holding. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without those funny faces and the play fights and him catching me when I fall. I don’t know how to cope without him. I don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to cope like this.
I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to hurt and feel bad. I want to feel like I do when I’m with Jamie but I’m not going to get that for so long. How do I do it? I feel so lost and scared.
I can only hope for distractions and heaven knows I’ll have a fair share of them. But is that going to make me better or worse? I’m going to find out and I don’t really want to. I don’t want to do these things alone.
I don’t want to say goodbye anymore. I’ve had enough of it. I am so sick of saying goodbye and having my heart hurt and I am sick of missing Jamie and I am sick of crying. Am I allowed to feel like that? I don’t want to seem ungrateful because I am. I cherish every second I get to spend with Jamie and I am so thankful for it but I want more. Is that bad? Is that selfish and greedy? At this point a better question would be do I care that if it is selfish and greedy?
Right now I don’t care but I think I would if I was calmer. But right now no. I feel justified in wanting more because it is not fair. It is justified because two people who love each other (I don’t want to be presumptuous but I’m pretty certain Jamie does love me) should be able to be together. They should be able to have cuddles and kisses when they want. And we can’t have that and it is not fair.
As I said the sooner this goal is completed the better.
I’m sorry for being a mushy, emotional wreck. If you have ever been so incredibly dedicated and passionate about achieving something you might just have an ounce of understanding for how I feel. I love Jamie so incredibly much and I want to live with him so badly that I cannot even begin to explain. I am dedicated and passionate about achieving this goal and that’s an understatement. I will do anything and everything that it takes because I want it so bad.
Jamie I’m sorry if I seem pushy and scary and clingy. I hope you feel the same way about me that I do about you or this will be super awkward. I hope this doesn’t scare you off because I really do love you (as you know). I just hope this comes off the right way. I mean it in the least creepy way possible. Love you!8 months ago
I would have written this entry way earlier but I have been busy eBaying.
After a nice roast with the bro, sis-in-law and my mum Jamie left. I coped really well up until he was actually leaving and even then I thought I did alright.
Until I’d closed the door. Then I broke down. I did soon recover but when I’m alone it still catches me awfully. I do feel heartbroken, for lack of a better term.
I don’t want to write a boring passage about how special and wonderful and amazing Jamie makes me feel because he’s so amazing and I love him so much because we all know that by now. Rather, I’m going to write something closer to the purpose of this goal.
As I have mentioned before, when Jamie comes to stay it feels like little snippets of living together. it felt even more like that this time. I want it all so badly. I want to go shopping together and to go to bed together and wake up together and to chill together and to cook together. It’s so lovely.
The more we do this the more I feel like I can’t stand this and the more I want to live with him so we can have all the lovely things and also so we don’t have to have the awful stuff.
I’ll write something more coherent later. I just feel so sad and numb and horrid right now. 8 months ago
I’m currently sat in bed while Jamie is in the shower. He’s been staying here for a few days now but he has to go home today.
Right now I’m seemingly coping really well. I had a little bit of a cry yesterday but that’s been all. I guess it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I hope it doesn’t. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t like it. I have lots of reasons to be happy but I can never manage it.
Being with Jamie feels so natural and normal and right. When he’s here I forget what its like to feel so horridly lonely. I forget how bad I feel without him.
The next few months is going to be tough. I have the end of my A levels which means exams and hard work, Jamie has job finding which is ridiculously hard and time consuming. After that we will have some summer time to spend together. That’s what I have to focus on to keep me sane.
Fingers crossed and lots of prayers to the powers that be to make the time go quickly and to keep me from being a wreck later today.
The sooner I can complete this goal, the better. 8 months ago
I’ll try not to make this too long and I’ll try not to be too mushy.
I hope Jamie still reads this stuff because I want him to know all of it. It’s hard for me to explain things directly and I find that sometimes it’s easier in non-conversational prose.
I consider myself incredibly lucky to have Jamie in my life. He has helped me so much with so many things and I don’t think he realises half of it. He is the most patient person I have ever met. I have never heard him shout or be angry at me even when I’m admittedly enough to make a saint swear. Despite all of my shenanigans and my issues and my past and the negatives effects that it has left on me Jamie is still here to love, support and care for me. He brings out the best in me even when I am at my worst (which is a lot of the time). He believes in me when nobody else does and I believe him believing in me. I am a better person thanks to Jamie. I know this must sound very clingy and dependent and I can’t deny it because I am but I don’t want that to be a negative thing. Independence will come with age and experience and the opportunities to be independent. I am clingy because I love and care about Jamie and I want to be with him because he’s great.
I have no reason not to trust Jamie and he has never let me down on anything. He doesn’t make ridiculous promises and he doesn’t say ridiculous things. So I do trust him implicitly. And I will continue to do so.
I have never felt as cared for and loved and protected as I do now. I have never had someone have my back completely and utterly. I haven’t been able to be myself in a very long time and I haven’t been allowed to grow and develop naturally and into me and not someone else’s edited version of me. This means that I am a bit behind in having my own opinions and independence and confidence and things like that. And it takes time to gain these things but I am growing up and developing in maturity. I don’t have to censor myself or change myself in any way.
I’m going to end this somewhat prematurely because I don’t want to look even mushier and clingier than I do already.
I get really nervous about thing so they often go unsaid or unasked. They’re positive things but I don’t want to get a bad answer or response so I just avoid getting any answer at all. I know I should just pluck up the courage and say the things that need to be said because they aren’t, in the slightest, bad things. But that’s easier said than done. Maybe I’ll have the courage one day soon.
I love you, Jamie9 months ago
I don’t know when of if you’ll see this but I want you to know that I love you loads and loads and loads and you are perfect and amazing and you make me happy and you’re all I ever wanted and infinitely more because you’re super cool.
All my love,
Kira xoxoxo 9 months ago
Hey you gorgeous handsome man!
I just wanted to leave my last entry of the night to you to let you know that I have written about you… twice! It’s just under all the updated stuff.
I love you loads. You were the first thing I wrote about <3
You are my bestest friend in the whole universe and all other possible universes and I think you’re perfect and amazing and super cool.
You mean worlds to me.
Just look for your posts if you haven’t seen them yet. I hope you check this…
They’re not that far back I wrote them both yesterday.
Enjoy me being my usual poopbrain self! Love you tonnes. xoxoxox 9 months ago
Wow, two entries about you in under like, 12 hours.
I’m writing this one because I wanted to leave you a message without it making your phone go off and waking you up.
It’s not going to be a long entry because I’m super tired. It’s been a hectic day.
Basically what I wanted to say was that my bed feels too big and cold and lumpy and hard without you in. You’d think I’d relish the comfort of extra room but I don’t. I’m not comfortable without you here. Cold and uncomfortable and tired and missing you like crazy.
It was nice to talk to you. Talking to you makes me happy. We should do it more often.
You make me happy even from miles and miles away. You have talent, keep it up.
I love you more than anything.
You’re the best.
All my love from the fabulous but very sleepy,
Kira xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox 9 months ago
It seems like only yesterday (maybe that’s an exaggeration) that I was writing an entry about how sad I was the last time Jamie left. But that was like, 6 weeks ago now. It doesn’t feel like it.
Today I have seemingly coped better with him leaving but that was more a case of needs must. My brother and his wife came and we had lunch and then Jamie left and I couldn’t really cry and be a mess in front of them. I think it worked out pretty well. It was a really nice lunch time. But now that they’ve left and I’m settled down by myself it’s really hit me like a train for the second time today.
This is probably going to be a really long post because I have a lot to get out emotionally, just a disclaimer.
Last night I felt the sort of sense of impending doom of him leaving. It was bearable though and it just made me want to cuddle him close and never let go. It’s a weird feeling. It’s like if I hold him there he won’t leave. But of course he has to leave. But it was alright last night. I felt like I was coping better than normal. And this morning too I woke up and I felt pretty alright considering it was the morning of Jamie’s departure. And then it hit me so hard that it physically hurt and I started crying. I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried.
It’s really hard to try and explain it all without sounding weird. The feeling I get when leaves or is leaving. I feel empty and achey inside. Like a really big part of me has been brutally ripped from me. And I can’t help but to cry because I feel so desperately sad. I don’t know how to cope with this kind of sadness because it’s so overwhelming. And it does get worse each time. The more I get to be with Jamie the more I want it. It becomes more and more what is ‘normal’ in my life and when I’m about to go back to my time without Jamie I don’t see how I can go back to that; how I can cope without him. But I somehow do. I mean, I don’t cope well but I cope. What with college and life in general stuff I get distracted with all of that and then wow Jamie’s going to be here next week! Excitement ensues and all the hurt is forgotten. Until the next time.
Jamie you are too lovely and adorable and fantastic for your own good… and mine. You’re too good man. I love you so much and you make me so happy and I have such a great time (wow understatement) with you that when it goes away I have massive withdrawal symptoms. I know I say it more and more and I know you know why now but I do so want to live with you. Getting tiny tasters of life with you makes me want it more and more and more. I love making memories with you. Even things that are seemingly insignificant (though not to me or us) like sitting on a beach watching the tide come in and the sun go down or pushing each other in the sea or slipping and squelching in some mud or driving up a reaaaaally big hill to see how much of the island we can see or watching foxes in the middle of the night from my bedroom window. Even ‘trivial’ things seem fun and special with Jamie; like going to the shops or driving around or cuddling in bed.
I want that. I want it all of the time. And I want it so bad. I don’t want heartache and feelings of missing something and panic attacks and scaredness. I don’t want Jamie to go away anymore. I don’t want him to leave me. I realise that I probably sound mushy and clingy and awful but it’s emotional shit man. Uncensored and everything!
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and it scares me. I only hope that Jamie is there with me through it all.
And here’s to thinking positively: the next half term (the one that takes us to the Easter holidays) is only 5 weeks (well, 4 weeks and 4 days long) long which hopefully means I get to see the bestest person ever sooner than normal.
P.s. I love you Jamie. You know that.9 months ago
Ladies and gentlemen I am overjoyed to announce that, finally, the excitement has returned.
Normally it takes a few days to a week or two maximum for me to change sadness into excitement. But this time it has taken me ages. Even when I found out that Jamie was coming and when I was still feeling the sadness. I don’t know why I was affected so badly this time.
My confidence recently has been really low and I’m not sure why about that either. I feel like I’m an unwanted annoyance sometimes and that really doesn’t help to make me excited.
I was sat in archaeology on Friday morning and everyone was doing work and stressing out and I was chilling, doing my own work and stuff (which I’ve mostly finished) when it dawned on me that in two weeks time Jamie would be coming to stay! And then I did my derpy, embarrassing excited squirm. Nobody saw, thank God, but I was really happy that finally, I was excited. And while it’s waned slightly this weekend (again, due to confidence issues) if I think about him being here it makes me do the excited squirm and happy face and gives me warm fuzzy feelings.
Jamie does want to see me. Jamie does want me. I need to remember that. I am loved and wanted and I am good enough.
Or at least, I hope so.
P.s. I can’t wait to see you Jamie. xoxox10 months ago
As I said in the previous entry; I don’t cope well with being alone. Feeling lonely and feeling weak go hand-in-hand with me.
It seems to be getting worse, not better. Even if Jamie is coming during half term (less than three weeks away now!) I still can’t get excited as I usually do. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, it’s just that I still miss him horribly. Normally that sort of gets lost in the distraction of college work and then I get caught up in the excitement of seeing him again. But this time I’m not distracted.
I have random moments of heart-breaking sadness. I can be anywhere and I’ll get all teared up. Maybe it’s because he’s not there to hold my hand. Maybe it’s because I’ve woken up in the middle of the night expecting him to be there. Maybe it’s because I realise that I’m sat in a different place on the sofa because now Jamie has his own space.
I don’t know why it’s affected me so much this time. I think I’ve thought about it much more and I’m concentrating too much on what I can’t_ have. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what I do have, of course I do. I promise that I do. It’s just that, if it were possible, I’d spend all of my time with him. I know he’d get sick of me (how he hasn’t already, I am amazed) but… I wouldn’t get sick of him. He has the best influence on me. He is the best part of me and he just makes me happy and calm and serene.
I miss him so much. I can’t even begin to explain it. I want to see him again so desperately but I don’t want him to go away.
I don’t like it when he goes away. Even now I’m getting teared up thinking about it. I don’t like saying goodbye one bit. I never want to say goodbye. Ever ever ever. Never.
I don’t want to do it again. I know I have to do this again for a while. I know I have to say goodbye a few more time but I just don’t want to do it. It hurts so much. I don’t want to do it anymore.
No more goodbyes. 10 months ago
I don’t cope well alone. This will come as a surprise to most people. But sadly, it’s true. I do not cope well in my own company. I like being around people. Nice people, of course. People that I like and that like me. There aren’t many of them.
I don’t have any friends. Well I have one but most people would say that he doesn’t count because he’s my ‘boyfriend’. I consider him my friend. My bestest friend in the whole wide world. My mum’s like my friend too but it’s not the same.
I don’t have many family members. I stopped seeing my dad at the age of 12 and that resulted in the whole of that side of the family being essentially erased from my life. My mum’s side of the family are in far-off unknown places and we seldom hear from them. So that leaves my mum, me, my brother, his wife and my Jamie. Everyone loves Jamie a lot so I have to count him in now. Sorry, Jamie.
I spend a lot of time alone. Even when I’m at college, surrounded by loud, bold people I can be alone. The one person not involved in a conversation. I’m not like the people at college. I have little to nothing in common with them. But really, my point is that I don’t like being alone. I don’t like that I don’t get to spend the time I spend alone with my favourite person on the planet. I don’t like that my other favourite person and I don’t get to spend time with him.
I’m sick of waking up in the middle of the night and feeling that weird heart-hurting feeling of aloneness. I’m sick of laying in bed by myself and feeling wobbly because I’m alone.
I don’t like sitting by myself. I don’t like being alone.
I don’t want to be alone anymore Jamie. I don’t like it.
I like you.
I want to be with you.
I know I’m not the coolest, most fun or interesting person to be around. I know I don’t have the most appealing past, or present to be honest.I know my family situation isn’t great. I’m sorry that I’m so broken and messy. But I love you more than I can say and I trust you implicitly and that’s all I really have to give you. Love and trust and cuddles and kisses (of course).
You asked me if I’d mind living with you and I said that I wouldn’t.
Understatement of the century. Without sounding over-dramatic or like a drama queen. It’d mean the world to me. You have no idea how happy it would make me.
Don’t give up on me. 10 months ago
Two weeks now and me posting here is starting to seem like a weekly thing.
It’s not intentional. I’ve just been thinking.
Last night I lay in bed half asleep and all I could think of was how much I missed Jamie.
I think bed time is the time that I miss him most. I miss the safety and security. I miss the warmth and love and care. I miss late night conversations and forehead kisses. I miss the fights over bed room and pillows and the covers. I miss waking up in the night to cuddle. I miss falling asleep being told nice things. I miss falling asleep cuddling. I miss not feeling lonely. I miss him. So much. In general. But its those times at night when its like time is standing still. Everything in the world is perfect.
I just miss Jamie. I hate that we have to say goodbye.
It needs to stop soon.
And I need bedtime cuddles again very soon. 10 months ago
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and felt like something is wrong? Maybe you forgot to do something. Maybe something’s worrying you. Maybe you’re nervous.
That happens to me a lot.
I wake up alone and I never expect to. Somehow my brain convinces itself that I’m not alone so when I wake up I have that heart-sinking, blood running cold feeling of “oh God why am I alone?”. And then I realise that I’ve been alone all along. Jamie’s not there, no matter how hard my brain tries to make me believe that he is. He isn’t. I am alone. And that revelation is both upsetting and somewhat embarrassing. Embarrassing because it’s upsetting I guess. I feel foolish, even.
I don’t like it when that happens. I don’t like being scared and lonely and upset and embarrassed.
It doesn’t just stop hurting. I don’t just stop missing Jamie. It’s been over a week now and it’s still as bad as it was then. I still have those moments of bursting into tears. I’m coping better with it. I have stuff to distract me now. Well, I have college. And time passes quicker when I’m at college. I have things to do and normally, when there aren’t ridiculously long terms and Jamie’s due to come the next half term, the time’s gone and before I know it I’m excited again!
Wanting to live with Jamie gets more and more prominent all the time. It’s kind of scary. Things happen in my life that make me realise that I can’t live like I do now for much longer. I’m growing up too fast. I don’t feel ready but… in some ways, I do. Maybe that’s wishful thinking or just my impatience but sometimes I feel like I’m ready. Well, almost.
The end of my A levels is literally speeding towards me and that terrifies me. I’m already working out my summer holiday plan. And it’s still January.
I just know that as much as I can do this, whatever ‘this’ is, I can’t do it alone. 10 months ago
It’s been well over 24 hours since I last saw Jamie.
It’s hard to be positive when I feel like this. Though I’m trying. It’s like I’m in a really dark tunnel and I can’t see the light at the end. I don’t even know if there is one.
I had a brilliant time with Jamie. I always do. He’s coming back soon, he always does. Even if he doesn’t come for February half term, the Easter holidays are in March which is only two months away. He’ll definitely be here for one (if not, both) of those (fingers crossed). I know this stuff but it doesn’t make me feel any better, sadly. The weird, painful sadness of having such lovely things taken away from me is still raw and horrid. And thinking of the positives, the nice things, is like rubbing proverbial lemon juice on my proverbial wounds.
I know that we’re going to be living together pretty soon. Not in the immediate future, perhaps. But as soon as we can. I just don’t know how long it’s going to be. And until that point I have to deal with the horrible hurting.
It’s not all bad, not at all. This is only a fraction of the overall stuff. It’s just that this is potent and powerful and overwhelming for the time that I feel it. The time that passes from the time he left and towards the time that I’ll see him again is healing time, I guess. The hurty pain goes away and is replaced by excitement. Slowly but surely. Even today I’m not as bad as I was yesterday. I think.
I miss him incredibly. I try to prepare myself when he’s here. But it doesn’t work. Even though he’s not with me at that moment, not in the same room, I can’t imagine that he’s gone. Because really I know he’s metres away and I’ll be seeing him again in a moment. Which brings me to this.
Living with him means that I get to experience all of the cool excited feelings and nice feelings and loved and happy feelings that I feel before he gets here and when he is here. Just I won’t have this hurty sad feeling when he leaves. Because he won’t leave. And if he does I’ll know that I’ll see him again later that day or something.
I’ll get to go to sleep next to him and wake up next to him every day without worrying that it’s our last night together. And we’ll get to eat dinner together every day. We can go for drives and do things without having to cram lots of stuff into short spaces of time. We can relax. We won’t have to count down.
I want that now.
I want that as soon as is possible. Literally.
I am impatient and I don’t want to wait.
Jamie, I love you and I want to live with you. I know I say it a lot and I know all of these entries say much of the same stuff but I mean it. I think about it a lot. It gives me my light at the end of the tunnel because I know how good it will be. I’ve had these little taster sessions. And as much as I love spending time with you like we do, as much as those little snippets of time are my favourites and I massively enjoy them and get excited for them… I want more? I can wait for as long as it takes. I’ll put up with what we have because I love you and I love spending time with you and I know it’s our thing right now.
But I just hope that soon we won’t have to leave each other for extended periods of time. If you know what I mean. 11 months ago