The limitless possibilities of life render me awestruck in the dead of the night. Sleepless nights are breathless nights as I lay in one tiny section of the world- a mere dot resting upon the colorful map of the universe- grasping within my palms infinite routes to the vicissitudes of human existence. 4 weeks ago
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Oh and also, I’ve just created a blog for my writing/poetry/thoughts, so if anyone is interested here’s the URL: http://iridescentrhapsodies.tumblr.com/ 3 months ago
I sincerely apologize to any of my followers annoyed by my suddenly going MIA on 43T. I’ve been too happily incapacitated in my post finals reprieve to make entries. But now I’ve returned! 3 months ago
Having experienced my fair share of pleasant days ruined by relinquishing control over my emotions to others- be it from a careless comment or an infectious bad mood- I’ve decided enough is enough, so to say. Naturally, everyone feels anger or sadness. Everyone wakes up some days and just thinks to themselves, “I don’t want to do this.” But happiness is a choice a person can make only for themselves. It’s a choice whether to stew on the inside with anger or work towards finding the root of it. Just as it’s a choice to allow oneself to either be engulfed in feelings of despondency or cope with sadness by pushing past.
If there’s one thing 2012 has made me aware of, it’s that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it. And I’m making the choice for myself to take my emotions into my own hands and be happy, in spite of the hard days (and difficult people). 4 months ago
No matter the day, flecks of loneliness leave damp spots on the surface of my joy. 5 months ago
Ever since I’ve started writing again, my thoughts and mood have become a little less disgruntled. My heart is truly in my words; as long as I writing, I have myself. 5 months ago
There are now 30 of you subscribed to little old me! 30 lovely dolls reading my rants and musings and feelings for reasons I do not fully understand but am grateful for regardless. You’re all shining stars ☆☆☆
Thanks for your silent support! 6 months ago
I really should stop acting so immature when silly things make me mad. Things that aren’t worth having conflict over. 6 months ago
How can you call a person your best friend when it feels like you don’t even know who they are anymore? I’ve always been told, “People change” but I didn’t realize it could hurt so much when someone you hold so close to your heart becomes increasingly unfamiliar as the days pass.
We’ve become different people. Not bad, just different. 7 months ago
The ambiguity and seemingly never ending quality of several of my goals has begun to vex me every time I review my list. Goals like “Be Happy” and “Be nice” are capricious- they’ll come and go like the wind because neither happiness nor niceness are qualities that will remain fixed after a certain point. Become a better person is probably the most frustrating to look at, since improving and changing as a person is a process that will gradually take place throughout my entire life, and cannot be concentrated to a single year of good deeds and holding my tongue.
It’s just exasperating how big some of these are. I kind of want to delete a bunch and replace them with more tangible goals, like “Write daily” or “Finish unpacking” Y’know, things I can actually accomplish before age 20. 7 months ago
That combination of pride, accomplishment, and relief after tackling a large assignment on time :) 7 months ago
Lately I’ve been feeling strange and disconnected from everything around me. I’m here, but not entirely. My mind is wandering as my body moves, but they don’t seem to be travelling in the same direction. It’s like I’m in a dream, but I can’t wake up. I just can’t wake up. 7 months ago
I feel good donning some yellow for suicide awareness today. I usually find out about these awareness days too late and end up feeling bad. But not today! This is a very important issue. 8 months ago
Sometimes I just want to write. Write memoirs, write fiction, write letters to people I’ve never met, write odes to places I’ve never been to and describe life experiences I’ve yet to have. The words swirl around inside my head at a pace so frenetic I wonder if it’s truly possible to feel such a natural trip. Fervid sentiments piece together delightfully like castles in the sky and-for just a moment-I get that sensation of truly being “in the zone.” But then I settle down. And the words that existed in such eloquent form within my mind don’t feel quite as splendid outside of it. 8 months ago
I think I’m going to stop with the long walls of text since I don’t think more than one person actually reads and/or cares about the contents after the first couple of sentences. I’ll keep it all short. Haha. 8 months ago
After finally putting a malignant friendship to end today, I realized just how lonely I am. My loneliness is almost always present, but I bury my mind so deep into music and Internet that it’s rare for me to feel the brunt of it. Because socializing can be so difficult for me, I often tell myself that I just don’t need nor want friends; after all, being alone is much easier, right?
No. Lately, possibly due to the impending start of a new school year or just the reality of how much time I’ve spent alone this summer, I find myself beginning to truly long for friends. Friends to confide in, friends to occasionally get into disagreements with, friends to goof around with, friends to play board games with, just friends of any kind who truly appreciate me.
I enjoy being alone, but I can’t stand feeling lonely. And I am lonely. It hits me unexpectedly, when I’m out riding my bike or falling into a daydream or just sitting by myself. That unbearable combination of sadness and longing, that distant feeling of bitterness not just towards myself for not making friends, but towards others for not being my friends, has become my reality.
I’m just lonely. My social life consists of forcing awkward conversations with my one close friend, texting about 2 other people – with the rare invitation to hang out, and a seemingly endless stream of hellos and goodbyes with kids who insisted we were “good friends”.
I don’t fully understand what suddenly set aflame my appetency for friendship, but I do know that I’m going to try.
Because life just isn’t as fun if you have no one to experience it with. 9 months ago
I fear that I am losing my ability to write. The words aren’t flowing through my fingers/pen the way they used to, and the ones do that come out aren’t as eloquent as before. It’s extremely upsetting to think I could be losing my talent when being skilled in the English language has always been the pinnacle of my academic career. :(
Most likely, this can just be blamed on the general lag of productivity summer vacation brings; however, I can’t get my mind off the thought that it could be more. I don’t know. All I can do is keep writing everyday and hope that once I get back into the groove of English classes my writing will be up to par once more. 9 months ago
I wonder if I have ever strongly piqued someone’s interest on here. Like, to the point where they go through pages and pages of my entries, drinking up my words. That sounds creepy, but I know I’ve done it several times before after coming across a person I find especially interesting. Makes me wonder if anyone has ever done the same for me. How flattering that would be~ 9 months ago
This song always empowers me when I’m feeling down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fE7VMtglsCw 9 months ago
I’m thoroughly disturbed by the fact that “Stop being gay” is a goal on here with 173 people trying to achieve it. 2 people even have it as a New Years resolution. That just makes me so sad, honestly. I wish everyone could achieve peace and acceptance of themselves. :\ 9 months ago
At times I think my hope is the only thing that keeps me going. If I didn’t have hope, I wouldn’t keep trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel even during the hardest of times. If I didn’t have hope that I’ll find the one for me, I wouldn’t keep putting myself out there after heartbreaks. If I didn’t have hope that I would someday end up in a place surrounded by people who support me, I wouldn’t find the strength to walk into school every year. If I didn’t have hope in myself then I wouldn’t be able to stand my ground and keep my head up when a thousand different forces are working against me. Hope is what keeps us fighting. When people lose hope, they lose everything, in my opinion. But hope can be dangerous, too. Too much hope makes the heart especially vulnerable to disappointment. I think I harbor too much hope for my own good, but I guess that’s just the kind of person I am.
A hopeful and moony little thing. Always have been. 9 months ago
Childish rant forthcoming:
Even I grow tired of waiting for something I’m not sure is coming. All I want is an answer. All I want is to know where things are going to go from here. I can’t stand the uncertainty, the ambiguity, the subtle jumps between the lines of friendship and more that leave me confused as to whether this is all just in vain.
For some people it’s the chase, but that’s not the case for me. The “chase” is the worst part. It’s vexing and risky. “The chase” is like a maze; fun and exciting at first, but there reaches a point where I start to get fed up with all the twists and turns and I just want to run out towards somewhere with less incertitude.
Now, I’ve never been one to tolerate equivocation very well, so you could easily sling the old “The best things in life are the ones you have to wait for” cliche at me and not be too misguided in your advice. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I just want to know for sure. Disheartening or not, a straightforward answer is better than the constant speculation and doubt. 10 months ago
Has arrived full force. I don’t know what to do. I can’t calm down. It feels like my head is about to explode. 10 months ago
There’s no feeling more elating than knowing that the person you like returns your feelings. And there’s no feeling more soul crushing than knowing that everything you’d secretly hoped and wished for will never be reality.
I wonder which my confession tonight will bring about. 10 months ago
If you weren’t a close friend of mine, you’d never think I had this problem. Because I’m careful about what I reveal about myself. Careful to appear aloof. Careful about what will reveal too much about my innermost thoughts or what will make me vulnerable to others.
But the truth is, I get too attached to people (girls, especially) too easily. I get overly excited and my enthusiasm either frightens them away or they pick up on it and take advantage of me. I get my hopes up higher than the sky, and then my heart hurts when I end up disappointed. No amount of mental chiding can calm me once that feeling of elation kicks in and I become attached to someone. It’s true what people say, that once you’re attached, you’re fucked.
Yet I can’t bury this part of myself. It happens each time I encounter someone I find fascinating. My feelings get the best of me and I end up rushing into things headfirst only to be disheartened when reality doesn’t mimic my ideals of the relationship with the person. I know that getting easily attached to people isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since it shows that I have a big heart with a lot of love to give. But I’ve gotten into difficult situations from expecting too much of a friendship that’s just beginning or a relationship not yet strong enough to hold the weight of my zeal.
I wish I didn’t get so easily attached to people. It hurts. And sometimes it just makes me come off as an obsessive freak. 10 months ago
Never before in my life-prior to last night- had I experienced peer pressure. To me, “peer pressure” was just a myth warned about by paranoid adults and teachers, not something that really occured all that often.
See, I’ve been described on more than one occasion as “Strong willed”. But that side of me had never come out more than last night when I pressured to drink. “Just one sip”, the person I was with said, “You won’t get drunk off of that”. I just flat out said no. I don’t want to drink. Not now, not here, not with you.
Some people might think I’m uptight or I don’t like to have fun, but I don’t need to get drunk to have fun. Of course, I’ll drink someday; it just seems pointless to do it now when I could put myself in a myriad of bad situations with my family, friends, or even the police.
A large percentage of teenagers have the propensity to give into peer pressure, but I think I’ll do just fine in saying no.
Don’t really know why I’m sharing this, I guess I’m just proud of myself.
★ 11 months ago
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I smile.
Sometimes my heart shatters on the ground,
and other times it pumps with joy
Sometimes I’m bursting with zest,
and other times I’m spiraling down
Sometimes I want to pull everyone close,
but I just end up jerking them away.
Sometimes I hate everything,
but other times I can’t stop grinning
I’d say I’m pretty damn capricious. 11 months ago