Love myself just the way i am

For the first time in about six years, I’m interested in a boy. And I’ll admit, it’s great to feel this way about someone again, even if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. However, here is where I have a crisis of confidence that made me realize my self esteem is far lower than I had ever believed. I would be so happy if this boy felt the same about me as I do about him, but negative thoughts about my appearance creep into my head and I realized that I actually believe that this boy would not be interested in me in a romantic sort of way because I’m too fat and unattractive and that I’m not cute enough or good enough to be in any sort of romantic relationship. I never really realized I felt this way about myself until I realized I had feelings for this guy, and it really really bothers me. My brain knows that I’m good enough and that I would never want to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t value the person I am, but my heart and every other part of me says I’m lacking. I’m feeling very fat and very unattractive right now, and I’m feeling like my appearance is somehow a barometer of the person I am inside.

To clarify let me say that this guy is not a jerk. He’s single (always an important quality), kind, very nice looking, has a great sense of humor, and is generally perfect in every way. I have absolutely no idea if he reciprocates my feelings. Realizing that I had feelings for this guy, made me aware of lack of self esteem. My feelings about my seeming inadequacies stem solely from me.

i do love myself how i am but if i could change 1 thing it would be my nose!! lol thought u might want to no.

Loving myself just the way I am is concerns more than just my acceptance of my body, it’s about acceptance of age too. This year is ten years since I graduated from high school, and I’ve been feeling a bit old for the last year or so. In addition, I’m working with a bunch of high school girls this summer, and the whole combination of things has made me think a lot about the past ten years, and I’ve been wishing a lot in the past year that I was a few years younger. So, to strike this thought from my mind I made a list of things that I’ve done in the last ten years:

1. went to college (and finished!)
2. discovered what it is I really want to do with my life
3. fell in love for the first time (and fell out of it too)
4. studied abroad in Mexico
5. the unhappiest years of my life
6. moved alone to a new city (twice!)
7. broke my ankle
8. got my master’s degree
9. started my doctorate
10.the best year of my life (this year!)
11. got to know myself really well (good parts, warts, flaws, and all)

So when I think of it in this context, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve done a lot of great things, but much of the past ten years has been lonely and unhappy. But if I hadn’t experienced these things, I wouldn’t be who I am right now and I might be happy, but not quite this way. So, in the end, I think I’m pretty thankful for these last ten years.

This is hard because society is always telling me to be thinner. For the past few years I’ve been doing some research concerning fat prejudice in chick lit and some films, and it’s everywhere. Why is acceptable to make fun of and stereotype fat people on the basis of the way they look? We should accept all people for the way they are right now.

But still, despite all of this, I would still love to lose weight. Western culture still has a death grip on my psyche. However, even if I did lose weight, I would still feel inadequate. Loving myself just the way I am is a change I need to make on the inside. I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darn good. Why isn’t that enough for me right now?

I’ve felt a certain sense of inadequacy lately. I want to love myself, inside and out, not thirty pounds lighter, not different, not anything.