be happy again

For a longtime happiness has escaped me. Back in December 2006 my daughter was born. One of my happiest moments in my life. The day after my daughter was born she was diagnosed with a severe heart alignment. My daughter would have surgery an everything woul be fine, but that was the start of my downward spiral of depression. That same December my mother diagnosed with lung cancer and she would eventually die on April 15, 2007. Later on that May I was sued for a professional error and omission. I was later cleared bit it was just another thing. While we were waiting to purchase our first we temporarly lived with my father for which there was constant friction between my wife and I. We had been living there a month when we found out that we were pregnant with our 2nd child. Our son would be born that August and he was diagnosed with down syndrome. At this point I feel as if I am loosing control like as if I am having a nervous breakdown. I temporarly went on medication and it worked for a while. 18 months to the day my mother died my father passed away. I have been thru so much so much emotion, so much pain. It has affected my job, my wife, the people I call Friends. I sometimes I wish I could sleep my life away. I used to be happy, I used to be approahable and easy to get along with. Lately I have been tired of being a sad sack and I am looking for suggestions! I want to be happy again and I don’t want to fake it.

I am so depressed I am beyond miserable

I can not even look forward to a vacation I have been planning since March.

I am an Idiot and therefore my Life Sux and I Hate It

When we think of it, beautiful = full of beauty, but how can we feel beautiful when we are actually full of negative thoughts ? I’ve believed to be my own enemy for a long time, not realizing that the voice within that I thought was my own, was in reality a polyphonic cacophony of all the negative remarks I’ve heard all my life long. Remarks that we all know and that often make us feel less than a woman/a man. But here’s the good news: just because we think that we aren’t beautiful, doesn’t necessary mean that we are not. We just don’t feel beautiful, we are bitter, but the beauty IS there. If we say that we are not beautiful, we actually mean : we are not beautiful enough in our own eyes, but sometime we need to stop listening to that voice and we need to make peace with ourself. Remember : just because you think you are not beautiful, doesn’t mean that You aren’t. To be happy again, I believe the first step is to dig ourself out of our own grave. To feel beautiful, we must surround ourself with beauty, love ourself, make a list of every single negative thing that this voice is telling us, write it down and turn it into a positive affirmation. Beauty is sometimes a matter of daring. When we are stuck in the shadows of our own fears, we cannot feel beautiful, but when we learn to let it all go, beauty comes naturally from within and THAT is the true beauty. So: DARE TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL, YOU ALREADY ARE.

“Yellow field, Yellow field,... woke up here once upon a time,
landed from nowhere really, must have been asleep for days, years, seasons,orphan forged from the dust in the wind, designed for whatever purpose my breath may serve:
I have nothing to give and yet so much to become !

Yellow field, Yellow field,... yellow is the colour of the sun
and the brighter it is, the more it burns : that must be what they call the process of life,but here, Yellow field, here, I realize that I am getting closer to so much more,
for this is the most beautiful death bed a man could ever dream of,
because it is just like being embraced by all the angels in the sky :

if you fall asleep here once, you would never want to wake up again.

But, Oh Yellow field, beyond these mountains,
and there ! Beyond the skyline, there is a whole different world, you know,and soon I will have to leave you because angels do not embrace runaways,
that is why paradise is in heaven and that is why tundras are on earth.
Only when my purpose is accomplished, shall I come back here, Yellow field,and lay down my head one last time against this cushion of grass, and close my eyes,peacefully, like preparing to leave for a journey where no return ticket is really needed.”

I feel good today. They say sometimes all you have to do is to surround yourself with beauty and positive vibrations. And that is SO TRUE. I mean, when you think of it : what does it really take us to listen to a happy song when we feel sad or to watch a comedy movie when we feel like crying ? But instead of it, we’d rather comfort ourselves in our nutshell, missing out the beauty of a rising sun or anything else that would make us believe that life IS actually worth living. We seek comfort within people, the ones who don’t really care, because the ones who care just care too much. It’s been three years now that I’ve been on that rollercoaster and I believe it is high time to start smiling again. It’s not about just being good-looking in other people’s eyes, it’s about starting from the end (or what I think is the end) : it’s about becoming who I really am on the inside and it’s about loving myself.

my son helps out a lot. it’s hard to be depressed when i have such a wonderful blessing like him in my life. i am almost completely happy. i’m just still tired of being alone. and i don’t just want anyone, i want him. i can’t seem to let go for some reason, and i can’t bare to see him with someone else. it hurts. how can we be too close to each other to have a life together? it doesn’t make sense to me. i love him, but i love my son more. i wish i could forget about him.

I am realizing in order to fulfill this goal, I must fulfill most of my others. Being happy used to come so naturally for me. I wish I knew what happened….Don’t we all though.

and then everything falls apart again. why is it so hard to be strong? i feel like things are going good and then i hit a brick wall and everything falls down again. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. i want to be happy again. i have blessings in my life and i feel selfish because i can’t see them clearly. all i can ever think about is the negative. i want my old self back.

But all in all, I’m feeling a lot better. It’s very liberating to just let go… There are things beyond my ability that I can’t control, and why on earth should I stress over them? It’s not worth it. All it does is break me down as a person. I had seen a quote/goal on here that has inspired me to have a better attitude and to just let things unfold as they should….

“Let go. Be Patient. Have Faith.”

I need to stop doubting my faith. I know what I feel and I know what is real to me in life. I need to trust my faith in the situation that things will work themselves out… and unfortunately if they don’t then I just have to let go.

I’m a generally independent person. I have faced the realization that people will always leave me, and I understand that my decisions are much to often frowned upon. Even being fifteen, I recognize that happiness is simply a description based upon others observations. A label, if you will.

…But perhaps it is not happiness that I seek. Perhaps I’m just devoured by the fact that – no matter how many people I’m with I always feel lonely…. I’ve been ripped from my friends(if you can call it that) and shoved into a private school, I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt invincible. I’m so small, I take up such a microscopic spec of this world that – no matter how much I try to convince myself… I will never explore. I don’t have any real friends right now, I’m so tired of polite smiles, I just want to feel real again.