be happy again

my son helps out a lot. it’s hard to be depressed when i have such a wonderful blessing like him in my life. i am almost completely happy. i’m just still tired of being alone. and i don’t just want anyone, i want him. i can’t seem to let go for some reason, and i can’t bare to see him with someone else. it hurts. how can we be too close to each other to have a life together? it doesn’t make sense to me. i love him, but i love my son more. i wish i could forget about him.

I am realizing in order to fulfill this goal, I must fulfill most of my others. Being happy used to come so naturally for me. I wish I knew what happened….Don’t we all though.

and then everything falls apart again. why is it so hard to be strong? i feel like things are going good and then i hit a brick wall and everything falls down again. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. i want to be happy again. i have blessings in my life and i feel selfish because i can’t see them clearly. all i can ever think about is the negative. i want my old self back.

But all in all, I’m feeling a lot better. It’s very liberating to just let go… There are things beyond my ability that I can’t control, and why on earth should I stress over them? It’s not worth it. All it does is break me down as a person. I had seen a quote/goal on here that has inspired me to have a better attitude and to just let things unfold as they should….

“Let go. Be Patient. Have Faith.”

I need to stop doubting my faith. I know what I feel and I know what is real to me in life. I need to trust my faith in the situation that things will work themselves out… and unfortunately if they don’t then I just have to let go.

I’m a generally independent person. I have faced the realization that people will always leave me, and I understand that my decisions are much to often frowned upon. Even being fifteen, I recognize that happiness is simply a description based upon others observations. A label, if you will.

…But perhaps it is not happiness that I seek. Perhaps I’m just devoured by the fact that – no matter how many people I’m with I always feel lonely…. I’ve been ripped from my friends(if you can call it that) and shoved into a private school, I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt invincible. I’m so small, I take up such a microscopic spec of this world that – no matter how much I try to convince myself… I will never explore. I don’t have any real friends right now, I’m so tired of polite smiles, I just want to feel real again.

I’m still feeling pretty good lately! That’s a surprise. I’m trying really hard to let things go. There are things in my life that I really have no control over, and it really wouldn’t be right for me to have that control anyways. Why force someone to love you? That doesn’t mean it hurts any less to see them NOT love you, and to possibly move onto someone else.. but all I can do is have faith that he will come to me and do the right thing. I don’t understand and I’m tired of ATTEMPTING to understand a man’s point of view. hah! It’s impossible. All I can do is be a friend to him and love him regardless of our relationship status.

I also had a baby shower over the weekend :) fun times. Now I’m not stressing over all the things that I haven’t bought yet because all my lovely friends really helped out a lot and got me pretty much everything I need for my little man when he comes around. I’m really thankful for that. I hope I continue to keep my good mood. :) I have a short week at work because of Thanksgiving and I could really use the break!

I’m feeling better today. I’m tired of my mood depending on somebody else. I can’t live my life like that and I’ve never been the type to get really depressed. I need out of my funk and today I woke up in a good mood. I hope everything stays that way. I think my dr. appointment helped a lot. I got to hear my little man’s heartbeat and I’ve been maintaining my pregnancy weight well! :) So I’m happy today.

i hate being depressed. i’ve never been the type to be like that, but i’ve fallen into a deep depression. i remember at the beginning of my pregnancy i wanted to keep a journal so that i could remember how i felt and tell my child everything that was happening then. but then i started reading it. i was so depressed, everything was so negative. that’s really not what i want my child to be told later in life. i don’t know why it’s so hard to just be happy. i get really depressed when i have to spend time alone. i came home from work yesterday and didn’t do anything but sleep. from 6pm to 7am this morning. and i still feel tired and depressed. i wish i could get over this feeling. i have ridiculous mood swings too. i’ll be happy and fine one minutes and the next i’ll be crying my eyes out. so emotional. i hope after i have the baby i won’t feel this way anymore. people tell me it’s just because i’m pregnant and my hormones are crazy. but after i have the baby i’m still going to be by myself and alone. i hope i can get over this.

I’ve been so depressed lately thanks to my broken heart! I know I can’t blame him for it, he was just being honest with me. I just don’t know how to get over it now. He makes me so happy and I’m glad that things haven’t changed between us no matter how much crap we’ve gone through. I still love him and I try to let him go but it’s really hard to do. I guess when I let go I can work on being happy again.

I hate my life. Nothing seems to go right. I have no friends, i’m fat and ugly, my boyfriend doesn’t like being with me anymore. everything is a mess. I long for those days when everything seemed so perfect.. hanging out with friends, doing crazy things, laughing off even to the silliest thing.. and thw timws when love was new…... back then i knew he wanted to be with me. we go out and be alone together. now he is always with his friends. where ever we go.. i wish i could go back in time.. back to those good old days,......