document my life

So here i sit in this beautiful new house. It’s quite close to my old house in the same area. The sunlight shines through the blinds in this south facing house, giving a lovely warmth to the place. I’m really grateful my step mum has been kind enough to rent this out to me. I have alot of pets so this is quite important to me that she was happy with them. She told me today she is pleased to have me as a tenant and i’m very appreciative.

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”
- Mother Teresa

It’s 15:10 and i’ve decided to prioritize myself, my happiness and that of those closest to me. I feel like i’ve been running round in circles not knowing what to do, asking questions from the people i love, expecting them to make my decisions for me.

Journalling has been difficult, for it requires me to be in touch with my emotions. Sitting here back on cipramil that i got from the doctor to supress my anger and irritability, i feel that i may have failed myself in going onto these tablets. I feel much weaker on them as a person, although i don’t anger quite so much or get so emotional.

To me however, life is about experiencing the colour and full range of emotions, not just living inside the box that soceity creates and those around you who would prefer you to conform to there standards and belief systems. Personally i’m sure that i can go back to my own ways, but i’m sure there are many other people in the world with problems who stay trapped by the seemingly harmless antidepressants.I won’t speculate anymore. I just know that it’s probably not natural, but then nor is eating chips or unhealthy foods and drinks but i do this regularly also.

I would say we have a drug epidemic at the moment, if it’s not prescription drugs, it’s hard drugs from dealers that are the next choice for most. I don’t know may social circles where drugs are not involved in some way or another, whether prescription based or not. It worrys me, my experience of drugs being an elevated experience of human life. However should we not be going out of our way to gain these experiences safely or has drug taking become so common place that it is safe, that society is actually founded on it in many respects. This is the invisible thread that holds people together, keeps people at work, keeps people in check and keeps this system together. Again i’m just philosophizing here as per my recent experiences and that of others i know.

My brain feels somewhat messed up today. The last month has been eventful that’s for sure. Since i wrote last my memory is so poor. I remember i missed my grandads birthday and i still keep meaning to get him a gift to take through when i have chance. I remember that i bought a new rabbit pen for the bunnies to enjoy some grass and sunshine. The thing that sticks in my head the most though is being assaulted on sunday 12th july. My brothers birthday.

My boyfriend had taken me out for a meal to a lovely local italian restaurant. We had enjoyed the company so much of a couple from brighton who were the only other two guests at the time and the owner. The food was delicious and so it should have been for the price. I had an esquisite evening, all until that was we decided to go into a pub for a drink afterwards.

It didn’t take long for my presence in the pub to be upsetting to the locals as i danced carelessly with my boyfriend and within 10 minutes i was being beaten in the head and kicked in the spine. I stood my ground, but helpless as 6 women beat me until i finally yelled my boyfriends name in pain. He was also hurt trying to fend these girls off and the owner finally stepped in and let us out of the back of the pub.

Unfortuantely i was too shook up to call the police, so we continued on to meet my brother and put the incident behind us. It was only later when my spine started to hurt and my head swelled i realised that i had some severe damage from the attack. The following day i called the police and visited the doctor. They took a statement and went down the usual procedures, including arranged for me to have photographs taken. It was all very daunting for me. Not once in 25 years have i been assaulted so violently. It was quite a shock.

Trying to read the instructions on the microwave packet was difficult the following day as i couldn’t focus at all. I realise that some damage has been done, but im not sure to what extent and despite doctors orders to get an xray, the hospital turned me away saying my doctor was an idiot for sending me for a coccyx xray, which apparantely isn’t something the hospitals do these days as it’s too high risk.

Moving on from this, the weekend of the 24th of July 2009 until the sunday i’ve enjoyed the global gathering festival in stratford. We set off at 6am on Friday and returned home bypassing our friends house to arrive here for Tuesday. Fortunately my brother cared for my pets, all 17 of them whilst i was away, which was very kind of him.

The festival was okay. I didn’t have as good a time as i would have if i hadn’t have got involved in the drug taking that everyone was doing. A rave with 60000 is quite impressive, but to be honest i would have prefered a lovely meal with my other half in a posh restaurant or a nice trip to tenerife for the week at an all inclusive hotel.

Of course i did enjoy the ostrich burgers which i’d never tried before and prodigy was quite good to watch along with gods kitchen, but i spent most of my saturday recovering from taking too many substances that were bad for me. In fact i don’t even know what i was taking, it was very irresponisble of me and i remember waiting in the toliets for the hallucinagenic effects to wear off as i couldn’t really tolerate it. Some people love this, but not me. I don’t mind being happy, but experiencing reality shift to such a massive degree is not my idea of fun.

Again i manage to get roped into the social circles that take drugs. My preference though is to spend an evening with my sister making a curry and enjoying a dance around the kitchen or having a barbacue as we did this summer with friends. My passions are so invigorating for me that i really don’t need drugs. I love horse-ridings, personal development and reading, eating out, spending time connecting with friends on a deep level, dancing, singing, travelling. I wish i could influence my friends and my boyfriend in a positive way towards a more healthy lifestyle. Maybe we all need to take up sky diving together and go hiking in the woods so we can connect on a more social and adventurous level.

Trying to help people i know are addicted, rather than just following the crowd, as i do, is very difficult. To become to the leader rather than the one who is more submissive, which i am by anyones outside perspective. Inside though i do have a great deal of determination and focus which i can apply to a given situation, it’s just being able to decide how to implement my ideas without causing any problems with everyone.

Just off the phone from my friend. I really miss him. He’s my best friend infact. He has helped me so much in my life with everything and always been there for me when i need him. I do trust him alot even though he has let me down on a couple of occasions, i have done the same to him. His dream is to go live in tenerife. I’m thinking about taking a holiday here at some point and am sat with the brochures having a browse to see if i can get something reasonable that is all inclusive. I’ve never booked a holiday before so it’s a new experience for me, despite having been on several.

I’m glad to hear my friend has sorted his finances and has a lodger. I myself will be getting new keys to a new property tommorow as my tenancy has expired here. I’m excited about moving into a house that is of neutral design and very comfortable with a small garden for my animals and i plan to invest in a new hutch on the 3rd when we book the van to move our furniture. There is quite alot to get soerted out and my main aim this week is to handle moving and get my forms into the council which i need to get back that they are waiting on.

I’m about to start looking for work this month to see if i can find something on a reasonable salary to run along side my business. I’m happy at the moment with things just plodding along as they are, as iv’e alot of personal things on my plate that need dealing with. Some of which include my frequent trips to the vets as my cat has a problem pulling out her fur. This has cost in the region of £400 to deal with and my rabbit has mallocursion, costing about £12.50 to have his teeth trimmed each time along with two other bunnies that have runny eyes so are on antibiotics, which is costing another £18-£40 a week. Such an expense. My outgoings for my pets is now totalling around £200 a month including vet bills. It used to be only £70 when things were going well.

My boyfriend is abit distant from me at the moment as i’ve had to use his card alot, infact i’ve spent £1000’s of his money to survive whilst i’ve been unemployed and he is getting restless, so finding work is a priority for the moment. It’s difficult for us to spend any time together going out when finances are tight.

In front of me though i’ve a nice varse of flowers my neighbours daughter brought me for saving her pet rabbit called ruby, she was found in my trash and i reported her to the RSPCA, before the neighbours got in touch and let me know she had a home. I would have taken her in, but i’m glad that the little girl got her pet bunny rabbit back.

The plan now is to start getting a routine again that will help me move forward with my life.

It’s 22:59 and i’m sitting down to watch a movie. Not sure what to watch as of yet as vision film, the digital tv service i have isn’t exactly brillant when it comes to it’s inclusive film subscriptions. I may have to invest in the on demand service and watch the day the earth stood still. My boyfriend has watched this and recommended it to me. Having a night in alone, i’m thinking of making myself a nice curry also to go with a couple of glasses of wine.

Today i awoke late and didn’t end up having a bath until 1:30pm. I started work on my business after doing some cleaning of the kitchen at around 3:30pm. After gaining four new leads, i added these to the database successfully and found a new way of using my contact management database to contact leads quickly and effectively by adding notes from a list instead of having to enter each individual record.

I managed to pay the council tax today and get one of my male rabbits cleaned out called Ares. He is a really sweet bunny with a fun charactor. I also bought the domain rabbitsanctuary.co.uk as i’m starting a website to keep track of my rabbits life progress as this is a hobby of mine. I’ve also seen a beautiful run called the ruby run for only £32.00 which i’m thinking about investing in for an extra outdoor space so my rabbits can all spend more time at grass.

I had a lovely day the other day outdoors with my cats and took the most beautiful pictures of them. My cat below was enjoying the long grass which desperately needs strimming. It seems a shame to cut it down, but my dad has lent me the strimmer and is expecting it back next week so i’m going to get this sorted tommorow if the weather is fine hopefully.

The tenancy renewal is coming up soon for this property so i’m going to have to get things looking in order. I’m also out of work at the moment. I normally have a full time job and my business, so i’m really relying on outside support at the moment. I’m enjoying the freedom of being at home alot and i’ve spent some time on the tarot forums and doing some reiki healing.

My boyfriend and i have had a few trips to our friends in leeds. I spent my birthday there, not exactly what i expected, but it was nice. I would have prefered to be alone with my boyfriend though i think as i’m quite solitary when it comes to the anniversary of my birth. He had got a day at the beach planned for me and an overnight stay in a hotel, but that didn’t exactly happen. Even so i’m grateful that everyone took the time out to try and make me feel happy.

I had a lovely weekend with my sister just gone, having a barbacue and ended up dying my hair a plum colour. Not sure my boyfriend likes it much though. He would prefer me to go a little lighter i think. My sister has dyed her hair red which looks pretty glamourous and sexy. We have been having alot of wine together lately and i’m finding her quite an inspiration as she is doing alot of working out lately and has lost several stone. I’m going to have to start my dancing again shortly, but i haven’t had the energy or the time.

I’m looking forward to spending the weekend with my boyfriend at the local animal park that has not long since opened and getting some of my clothes sorted out from my other house to bring here to put in the garage as i need to clear my house out for sale shortly. This is going to be gone as of the 7th of July. If by some miricle my business makes a substantial amount of money before then, i’ll consider keeping the house, but i think it’s an expense that i really cant afford at the moment.

Things are feeling much better for me at the moment, i’ve been getting out and doing more and enjoying life, spending more time with my friends. I watched a good film called serenity with my closest friends on friday. We enjoyed a curry and wine and i absolutely adore being in their company. They always make me feel very welcome and it’s an open house where i am concerned.

I’m planning to keep my progress of my day updated daily as i’ve fallen behind and it’s so easy to forget the magic moments of my day if i don’t record them.

Recently i’ve forgotten to write my journal- I always have so much to do. Since i last wrote, i’ve moved out of my house and into a new rented accomadation. The house is absolutely beautiful and i’ve very lucky the landlord accepted my 17 pets! Fortunately i also have a friend who would house my pets on his land should i ever be in a position where i need this. I’m very blessed.

When i last wrote. I was coming to the point where i had been shut out of my database. This one act from the company that had promised me the subscription for the year caused me to lose hope totally. I could no longer do the work i needed too as the database was totally intergral to me making money in a short space of time. Of course i do always have the option to do things the long way, but it would have also cost me alot more than i could afford at the time to sustain the business at that point.

So instead i decided to put it on hold. I got a job working for a company that was the equivilent of hell for me doing sales order processing. I felt like i had regressed in every way, in terms of salary, the emotional states i was in on a daily basis. I had debt collectors knocking at the door hounding me for money which i didn’t have. I had people constantly phoning and harrasing me. Eventually it all became too much. I resigned to the fact that i was going to lose my house.

My salary was one of only £800 per month, not enough to even pay the mortgage and the secured loan i had outstanding. My expenses being at around £2200 a month, i had no chance of maintaining what i had built. I tried to hang on to my hope that i would somehow get the money from somewhere, but it never came. I desperately had to get out of that house, emotionally i was suffering so deeply and my health was damaged.

Not only did i have to go to work at a job i hated and found no value in, i was been downtroden by my collegues who told me what a failure i was for trying and that i couldn’t do anything and look where i had ended up. I fell into a spiral of negative thinking. I became angry with everyone around me, i was so difficult to live with, snapping at my little brother, my boyfriend, arguing with the people at work.

As my emotions screamed at me how much pain i was in , how much despair, i just ignored them, like this wasn’t happening to me. I sank deeper and deeper until the point where i couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t take how loud my emotions were. I was in complete agony. I couldn’t bear hurting the people around me anymore because i was in so much pain, with my words. So i talked it through with my boyfriend and told him i’d go on some antidepressants to see if it would help.

The same night he spoke to me of how it wasn’t surprising i was in such distress if i was avoiding acknowledging my emotions. I’d become emotionally detached. The pain was just to much and i just wanted to ignore it was there and try think about something else. Instead he guided me and supported me in clearly acknowledging my emotions. I know this may seem strange, but i’d lost the ability to even know what it meant to acknowledge my emotions. I thought i was acknowledging them. I could hear them , wasn’t it enough, even if i didn’t want to deal with them? I thought. So instead i internally said to myself- i acknowledge these emotions, and rather than turning away and trying to escape these internal feelings. I let myself be with them.

Within days, almost immediately i experienced a profound change within myself. I’d managed to master my emotions. I didn’t know that such a simple phrase could be so effective. The intention of acknowledging my emotions took me to a place where i did so and where i could then process what i was feeling. From here on things became better, my emotions became quieter as i listened to the message they were giving me.

I noticed that whenever i would try and deny what i was feeling, for example if i was feeling in pain & tried to tell myself it was okay, i was met with a resounding emotional ” it’s not okay” feeling and seemed to get stuck in this loop of self negativity and despair. However if i continued to acknowledge the painful feelings by internally repeating the phrase i acknowledge these feelings of deep pain- or whatever it was i was going through, they subsided and my mind and body became still.

To me this was a great revelation and let me to understand on a deep level the suffering of others. So many people experience panic attacks, like i did in the past and depression and other negative feelings and the reason as far as i can establish that this is a continued problem is because people fail to acknowledge that things are difficult and take positive actions to change what is not working in there lifes.

Almost every self help book i’ve read talks about overriding what nature has graced us with, our ability to feel emotion. They talk of positive thinking, of over-riding thoughts. Even NLP has distinct negative aspects to it if not used correctly as it can leave the emotions and the mind confused. Not one book i have read, says to deeply acknowledge the feelings that you are going through and be with them. The only area of my life i ever learnt this was when i was going through some grief healing and sat through dindayal morgans tape of emotional recovery. This was a concept brought to me by a yoga practicioner.

Of course positive thinking is good, but not if it means not dealing with the things in your life that are problematic and painful and truly do need to be acknowledged and real action taken to resolve these things and issues of a persons life. I’m very happy that i can put some of these things together on my healing website that i am developing and community that i am building to help others who may have experienced similar things to myself.

So where was i. Ah yes, my house is a month away from repossession. The hearing is on the 8th of June. My house is currently unoccupied however as i’ve moved out the majority of my things into my new home in a much nicer part of town. I absolutely love wakign up on a morning and being surrounded by such beauty. Things are much more in touch with nature here. The houses surrounding and gardens are all very pleasant. The house is not suffering from any kind of sick building syndrome. My other house had massive mold problems which i had to deal with and the air seemed quite toxic on leaving the house.

I feel that god has intervened abit as that house was causing me all sorts of health problems and it wasn’t good to hold onto something that was not good for me. My boyfriend helped me with moving. We managed to move our things in by mid march and the tenancy is up at the end of august as far as i’m aware. I hope though that i can renew the contract. If this is not possible however, i’m fortunate i’ve been able to live here for six months.

My boyfriend and i felt out over him drinking the other night, it’s been nice to have the house to myself for a few days whilst he cools off and it was lovely meeting my sister in town to get a birthday present for my grandma and have dinner with her and my grandad yesterday. I also managed to get to pets at home and the vets. So it ended up being quite a productive day. Except it did cost me somewhere in the region of £170 through vets fees, animal feeds and bedding and travel.

On Thursday my three month contract at the job i hated ended thank the heavens and i’m now going to focus my attention on my business and find a career to run along side that is more inline with who i am as a person. I may also go back to volunteering with horses- i did this for a short spell, but then things became to much when i started to move house so i put this on hold for awhile.

I’m so thankful that i’m now moved in and settled and that i’ve got all my pets here, my boyfriend and i can live comfortably without anyone knocking on the door. I will redirect my mail to avoid my creditors for awhile. As i now have no assets to lose, i’m not particular bothered what they want as i have the right to deny them access to my house and can keep them at bay for only a few pounds a month. Worst case senario i go bankrupt and then that’s as bad as it can get financially for me.

It’s been an experience. I look forward to recovering this year and moving ahead with my business plans as i now have access to the database again and have no work commitments so can relaunch on tuesday 5th of may. This co-insides with a very special day for me, so i consider it quite fortunate that my means to run my business would be given back to me on this date.

As for my plans now. I need to figure out what these are. I’ve taken a few knocks and had set backs- but i can always get up and move forward with what it is i want to do. I’m still suffering at the moment, but i’m sure this will ease as things in my life become more on an even keel and the things that need doing get done, such as picking up the remainder of my clothes from the other house, calling the landlord, sorting my debts and cutting the grass. When i’m ontop of all the little things it will be easier to make room for my pretty magnificent dreams. For now i’ll take time to rest and gather my resources.

I’ve not written in awhile, it’s been tough finally realising that i can’t afford to keep my expensive house and move out. On the plus side however i’m now looking forward to moving into a place in a nicer area for a 6 month lease. The house is in absolutely pristine condition and even though it’s slightly smaller than where i live now, it comes with a garage which this house doesn’t and also with a shed for my animals. It also includes a paved area for my rabbits. I was a little distressed with my debt problems and the prospect of having my house repossessed, but i couldn’t be happier now.

My boyfriend is supporting me by helping me pay the deposit and continuing to help me with the rent in our new house.

As i dance around the living room i feel so liberated, i feel totally free! I’ve been sat in a prison for 8 hours, but to come home to this beautiful house. It reminds me what i’m fighting for. Surrounded by candlelight, beauty consumes my thoughts. Natural beauty is better than anything materialistic. I realise what’s important, the books i read, the people i love, my animals, beautiful things like light, ambience and elegance that is in the work we craft, such as a wooden table. I notice how perfect a pine cone is, i appreciate it’s beauty as when the water hits it it folds and when it drys out , it opens up. I wonder to myself, is this alive. How can it seem to live even though it’s not a living object.

As i sat in my job this morning after arriving in a taxi, i felt like i was dying, my body was screaming get out! get out! but i realised that a lesson is to be learnt from god and tonight i know what that is. Through the desperation of live, one realises the aspirations of one self. I’ve never felt more knowing of what i definately don’t want and began to intensify my thoughts about what i do want.

I’ve realised that i do need to communicate. I do need to express myself and be me. I don’t want to sell, but i do want to heal and help people. I do want to nurture and protect and i do want to help people climb to the highest heights. My dream is to inpsire others to their highest level. I want others to climb on my shoulders. I want to help them up to a place they couldn’t get without a step that very few are willing to give!

I don’t know if this makes my dream career one of a motivator. I think that a practicioner of healing techniques and motivational speaking would be something i would definately engage in. Despite my shyness. I do have a streak of insecurity that i can’t hide from myself, but i shouldn’t let that hold me back. I’ve achieived most of the things in my life i want, except perhaps to work with lions and to train horses and to have a baby girl.

Music to me is such a blessing. I’m so lucky that people write songs of such beauty , with such grace. I wish that i could sing. I’d love to have been a country singer, or perhaps sang some opera. Maybe one day i’ll take singing lessons.

Tonight i open up and spill my hearts desires. I’ve decided that to censor oneself is such a tradgedy, to give is all that matters and to trust even when it is not deserved. I’m grateful that i am so trusting. Until people prove me wrong, i can’t judge. I’ve been led by those around me into a sense of insecurity and been advised that trusting others is a negative thing. To me it is more beautiful than words, to give another your faith, to see the best in them, no matter who they are, no matter what they say or who they think they are. To bring the best out in another is a beautiful thing. To raise someone up to all that they can be.

Yes i’ve had a bottle of rose and i know what matters, when your inhibitions and your guard comes down, all that is left is truth. The raw emotion of human beings is beautiful to me and the raw truths. To me everything is simple and so complex as nature. My philosphy is that we are entwined as one, that we are ruled by nature, but with our soul we make and rise above everything and make decisions in our lives that compell us to the most glorious future.

Just a note tonight to be thankful for the things that are important:

My true love- who i get up for on a morning!
My animals – who give me purpose to protect
My reading books- to grow and enhance my life
My family – who are there for me when i need them and who i love for always
My friends- who encourage and inspire and who i advice and help as much as i can.
My spiritual tools – that develop my peronality and charactor and give me faith.
The internet- our worldwide connection where i can express myself to all without judgement. How beautiful is that.
The heart- this is where the home is, not the other way round, the one thing that is always with us.

Tonight i’ve drank a bottle of rose, danced around the kitchen making spagetti bolognaise for my boyfriend, singing my head off! This is living! I’ve made a decision to truly do what is right for me in life. I’ve sacrificed alot of the time as i feel that its’ important to care about what i’m doing. Realising now that this is not neccesary when it comes to corporations i’m working for, i’m going to start freelancing again and do what i want to do.

My database company locked me out this morning, but i’m not letting anything hold me back- i know how to run a company and i’ll put my all all my faith into moving forward, without restrictions on how i’m going to do this. I have been quite restrictive with myself, saying that there is only one way to make a living, but this is not true. I’m going to let my faith carry me through this storm. I do believe in god. He will protect me i know. Thankyou for gracing me with your company tonight world, Much love and light xx

Tonight on arriving home, i felt let down by my boyfriend as he hadn’t arrived home as promised. I called him only to find he had missed the last train home. After i calmed down, i sent him my love and wished he would come home soon. I’m looking forward to seeing him tommorow morning, hopefully before i go to work at 12 noon.

I feel better now watching charmed. It’s a strange time for this series to be on television, but it’s quite comforting watching my favourite tv series. I didn’t care much for the pasta i made this evening though. It was a discount brand. There is alot to be said for eating good food. I don’t think it’s something you can budget and stay healthy. At least not when eating ready meals. I imagine i could do better if i shopped at the market for my meat and veg. This is something i’ll have to look into.

This morning i didn’t look forward to work at all, even though it was time and a half pay. I was discussing with my best friend this evening how i felt about doing a 9-5pm, or just working for someone else in general. My sentiments being that selling my soul into slavery to someone for 10p per minute just isn’t acceptable. How can anyone justify paying a wage so low.

I guess it’s something i have to deal with at the moment until i find a better salary. This shouldn’t take too long, although the most recent interviews i’ve had did take awhile to aquire the work and this was only on a contract basis rather than a permanent basis. Not that i ultimately want anything permanently, but i do need a top up for my business of about £800 a month to supplement my £1600 a month outgoings. I also have £450 coming in from my boyfriend and brother who are helping me, which leaves me about £350 minimum per month which i need to find either through business or a second job or by increasing my salary to £1000 a month net pay atleast.

I’m feeling a little more optimistic after speaking with my best friend who suggested i ought to write out the pros and cons of my life and truly acknowledge my situation for what it is. I intend to do this when i’m feeling a little more neutral about things. I’m looking forward to having friday, saturday and sunday off work. Although i’ll do 8 hour of calls on my business on friday.

I’ve only got 16 available hours per week now so i’m going to dedicate myself to the business when i wake in the morning getting my calls out of the way at 9am as quickly as possible. I’ve really enjoyed starting my business and despite being a little disheartened by the situation as it stands, i still have passion to suceed in what i’ve put my heart into.

I’ve come to realise what is important to me, to work for myself, to heal others, to communicate my feelings and experiences to help them and keep my animals safe and enjoy the company of my friends, family and my true love.

As i sit here tonight, i can’t help but wonder when the stress is going to disipate. It’s become chronic now. Through a series of bad decisions which have led to where i am now. Today has been a day of suffering. Now of course this is part of the human condition and i should be grateful for all aspects of my life and to be honest, i feel better to indulge in feeling miserable, rather than pretend to myself that everything is okay.

Everything is not okay. I’m struggling to pay the mortgage, i’m two payments behind. My creditors are on my back constantly, even knocking at my door asking me for money. I think that if i write about it nicely i can trick my subconcious into feeling that everything is okay, if i skim over my problems when i journal, missing out the painful parts. The truth is i can’t do that anymore. My inner self is crying out to be heard and for once i’m going to listen.

Things as they are now are not right. Today i woke up late, probably my body’s way of making me lose the job that i’m pretending to love, when the truth is i don’t like order processing and i don’t like being a slave to someone else’s business and i’m really unhappy at the moment.

If i can’t be honest with myself i’m going to find myself sugar coating the situation until it smashes me in the face. Give it another 2 or 3 months living like this and there will be nothing to salvage. I’ve found it so hard to be grateful for what i have under all the pressure that i’m struggling with and i know that i need to address what is actually wrong with my life so that i can fix it.

On arriving at work late, my coach patronised me a little. Nothing that i wasn’t expecting from a culture that is so downtroden and enslaved in the day to day 9-5. This is the reason i wanted to go into business, the freedom to choose. To choose what you wear, what you say, when you eat, how you do things and what you do. The corporations take this away from us, they mold us into there reality and all that is left is a shell of a human being.

The number of times i’ve lost myself when i’ve become part of an organisation is unreal. I can’t quite comprehend how people can deal with it year in year out. The longest i’ve gone in continuous employment is about one year and this was in the proffession i continued to start my business in. Everything else has lasted about 6 months before i’ve felt that i needed to move on again, to something more inspiring or exciting.

The truth is though none of these jobs have capitvated my spirit and non ever could. I love working with animals and helping people, these are my two paths. Healing is something that facinates me as does biology and systems. I’m not meant to be sat in a call centre processing orders for a corporation that cares only about it’s profits and procedures. I’m meant to be encouraging, inspiring, motivating and helping people to achieve there dreams and to find that sense of serenity within through natural healing and connecting with nature and the things that matter in life.

So to sit today chained to a desk, repeating the same task over and over, i felt like a robot. I felt unhuman almost. The stress in my chest overwhelmed me like an internal scream asking me to acknowledge that this is not what, even if it is what i need. Of course i need money, don’t we all,but at the sacrifice of the soul i ask myself. I do agree with some kind of routines and repetition for mastering skills, but to do the same thing day in day out with no intention of anything changing. I can’t understand how people do this.

Tonight i watched a film called ” the air i breathe”. It captured my heart as i embraced the beauty of the meaning that was portraited in the movie. A movie which expressed that we are all divinely interconnected and that emotions are what make our human experience so powerful, emotions of love, sorrow etc and your actions influence another and create karma for them. It was a movie that felt right for where i am in my life right now and gave me hope for the future, despite being quite heavy in alot of respects.

Tonight on arriving home i cried about my day to my boyfriend on the phone. He’d gone out to his friends for the night on valentines day. This didn’t mean anything to me until my friends at work humiliated me about my relationship. I was happy for him to spend time with his friends, just as on any other night, but really unhappy with the response i received from co- workers who has no right to judge someone they haven’t met.

Of course it is human nature to come to conclusions quickly, this is how we establish our survival in life, but i did feel the comment inconsiderate and ended up feeling quite lonely this evening. My boyfriend sat on the phone with me for a good twenty minutes speaking softly to me and letting me know he cares for me.

I also spoke to my best friends who gave me all the advice they could before leaving me to watch a film. To cheer myself up, i ordered chinese and had a couple of beers and i now plan to go to bed and read some books on quantum healing and reiki for the next thirty minutes, making sure that i’m awake on time in the morning by setting several alarms.

Sitting here tonight watching jonathon ross, i’m reminded of another good movie i watched recently, “slum dog millionaire”. What an outstanding story. I’ve also watched two movies this evening which i watched part of last night as i fell to sleep in my boyfriends arms, after he made me and my brother a curry and travelled out to the asda to buy me some beer as i needed to relax.

I really appreciated him cooking for me today also. We had bacon steaks with chips and i enjoyed a nice cup of english breakfast tea. Earlier in the evening i’d been crying as i was upset with the financial situation i’m in and the weight of everything i’m having to deal with at the moment. I felt so grateful that he took the time to sit with me and just listen to my feelings, holding me, making me feel so safe and loved at a really difficult time.

When i woke this morning it was wonderful to snuggle in bed with my boyfriend. It was my only day off as i’ll be working doing some order processing for the new company i’ve started working for. I was lucky to get back into work at the beginning of february after the job market has been very limited lately. I’m currently earning £750 net for this, which is not even half the salary i need to pay for my house.

I intend to start looking for new jobs and hopefully get a new business contract in with my current business. I’ve also started a new marketing company which i’m going to make calls for and relaunch this month, when i’ve finished using the data on my other business, so that i’m not sat without work, when i could be on calls.

I’m really on edge tonight watching bourne identity and playing poker at the same time, whilst thinking about how i’m going to proactively market my business in the next 25 days. It’s really important i’m on the phones at 9am and doing my follow ups. I managed to get a couple of hot leads last week when i was working on the business on thursday and Friday. I urgently require a contract this month to survive. I can’t leave it until february as i have then only another 28 days until i totally run out of money. So i have to take action now.

This level of urgency has caused me a little bit of stress in all my relationships as i’m carrying quite abit of tension. It was good to go to the stables again this saturday however as this was very enjoyable, except of course when i managed to miss my bus and ended up spending an hour on the phone to my boyfriend who had to direct me home on foot as i was in a remote location. I didn’t want to pay for a taxi when i’d already spent £10 getting there in the morning as i found this quite wasteful.

Today i cleaned the rabbits out at around 1pm and i was finished by 3pm. I used a relatively lesser amount of shavings and have decided to cut back on the way i manage cleaning them as i can be quite wasteful, throwing away good bedding when it’s unnecessary. My indoor rabbit now has a litter tray and is using it appropriately. I just heard him scuttle back into the cage after the cats tried chasing him. He feels safe there and they don’t invade his territory and have come to accept rabbits as part of the family rather than a quick meal.