well… i’ve gotten tons of responses and it’s making me a little too stressed. i’m tempted to just remove this goal, but i do feel like it is do-able, i mean at least people are replying to my profile and seem interested. i don’t know if i can form an actual relationship, but dates seem possible.

however, i’m not sure if dating or a relationship will actually make me happier. this happens a lot with me, where i think i want to date and i think i want a boyfriend and then i sign up for the dating site and start looking at profiles and getting replies and then i realize it is actually pretty stressful and instead of making me happier it’s actually making me more stressed and LESS happy.

I agreed with one guy, an indian guy with a weird indian name i can’t remember, oh yea arjun, to go out on thursday night… he seems really cool, good job, nice etc etc… but just from what he wrote in his profile i’m not sure he is really looking for something serious, and my mom told me, “indian guys want to marry indian women”

now i don’t know if that is really true… honestly i think my mom is pretty racist, she never seems enthusiastic about me dating guys from other races… i don’t know why she is like that… i know she likes obama, so it’s not terrible, it might just be on a personal level or something…

but it’s stressful.

so anyways, this guy arjun seems cool. but with what my mom said and it’s bringing up lots of personal insecurities of my own. i have a lot of body insecurities from when i gained 100 pounds from being on lithium and my bipolar and then i lost it again but i have some loose skin on my stomach that i am very insecure about. my mom says i should get a tummy tuck… but i think she is just too critical and i just need to do more ab work and learn to love myself.

ugh.

i really need to control the bipolar and i don’t want to feel like the stupid online dating is throwing me off. i am going to see my psychiatrist today, at 10:30 so i can talk to her then about the online dating and maybe she will give me some advice. 11 months ago

but I’m worried it could make me “hypomanic” or even actual “manic”... it sounds like a LOT of fun… but maybe better to wait till it’s fall? it might be easier on me then… less light/less heat so less likely to be manic anyways… hmm… or i could say i’m just going to do it now and whatevs… 12 months ago