This is a ‘catch all’ sort of an update and it’s likely to be pretty jumbled!

• As I said in my last post, I got a new job, which is a pretty happy event in itself. The fact that I’m really enjoying it makes it an awesomely happy thing.

• Over the past 3 weeks, having done an immense amount of interviewing, I’ve been able to tell 11 people that they also have jobs…trust me, that is the most amazing feeling! I felt like some kind of early Santa, but better ;P

• Everything is set for going to Copenhagen…we fly out Monday (still got to pack but all the other important stuff is in place).

• Looking forward, in a massive way, to choosing and sending postcards to the wonderful people who helped make this possible when I couldn’t see how it could be done. Now I’m employed I eagerly anticipate opportunities to pay the kindness and generosity forward.

• Had a visit from my Big Bro’ who lives many miles away in Scotland; took a lovely trip with him, Joy, Mum, younger nephew & his fiancee to the German market in the city centre, drank Glühwein, sang Christmassy songs and came home with a face that ached from smiling so broadly.

• Went to the little, local switch on of Christmas lights…got slightly teary listening to the gorgeous children’s choir (school choirs always get me that way!), saw Santa arrive in a fire engine and ambled home by starlight, arm in arm with loved ones.

• Put up my Christmas tree and decorations which I planned to photograph and tell you all about…I make my own wreaths & garlands…but time does not permit. You’ll just have to trust me when I say my home looks fit for an upmarket magazine cover ;-)

• Made a bunch of Christmas presents, which I also intended to go into some detail about for this goal but again, time does not currently permit. Maybe at a later date. For now you will have to be content with knowing that this year I decided to make hampers with (all homemade) jars of hot chocolate mix, personalised coasters, mugs (ok, I didn’t make the mugs!), gingerbread men & women (the dough’s in the freezer waiting to be baked and decorated closer to the time), and I will be making chocolate teaspoons and chocolate dipped peppermint creams. I’m really pleased with how things have turned out so far.

• Also made a hollowed out book for Son’s birthday (thanks Ratty…you gave me the idea in one of your posts). Pictures of this are almost certain to follow! I’ll be filling it with rum, gold chocolate coins and other nonsense. His birthday is Monday, the day we leave for Copenhagen, so I’ll be leaving it as a surprise for him when he gets back from work. I feel a bit bad that I won’t be here for it but he’s been great about it; he’s a good lad!

• Got my older nephew some help that he desperately needed and am pleased and relieved to say he’s starting to stabilise mentally. It’s a long way to go yet before he could be deemed ‘better’ but when things have been as bad as they have for him, any improvement is fantastic; at least we’ve got him started on the right path.

I’m sure there’s lots more but I’m falling asleep on my keyboard and can’t think right now!

I’m going to be really busy for at least the next month but will drop in as and when I can. I’ll most certainly want to post about the Copenhagen trip :-) For the time being please know that I miss you all so very much and think of you most days.

Sending you love and good thoughts.
x 5 months ago

Do you remember that I mentioned going for an interview last week? I GOT THE JOB!!

Being employed in a position that utilises my degree, becoming a dual income household again…I am really happy right now.

_{Now I have to get off before the half-cooked dinner gets spoiled, otherwise there will be some distinctly unhappy people around here ;p)}
x 6 months ago

Some things that have helped to reinforce the happiness habit over recent days:

• An amazing, incredible, beyond wonderful friend who has donated two very large amounts to joyfulpromise thus ensuring that not only is the Copenhagen accommodation money now fully amassed but also putting some into the ‘spending fund’. Dear One, I cannot find the words to tell you how much this, and you, mean to me…I hope somehow you know.

• Husband chatting with his niece and asking what she’d like to be when she’s older; with a tut and a toss of her hair she replied, “Three!”

• A phone call that turned out to be an impromptu interview; this lead to an arrangement for a meeting tomorrow…which (fingers crossed) will lead to a job. I want to be in work again so very much.

• Conversation with my darling friend Sarah discussing what I should wear for said meeting; we decided on the item that she described as my ‘success dress’.

• Sarah’s baby waking up in his car seat, seeing me and immediately breaking out in grins and giggles, arms outstretched for cuddles.

• Joy urging me to “dance like no-one is watching” in the middle of a store, then following this up with: “Of course, it’s easier for me these days, ‘cos even if they are watching, I can’t see them!” Her humour and good nature is inspiring and humbling.

• Deciding on the menu for littlesoul’s impending visit (this Saturday she’s going to be in my house…are you envious? You should be ;p)

• Being headbutted by the very affectionate Duchess cat.

• Receiving a hug and a brief smile from my Asperger nephew; knowing how difficult he finds hugs makes it mean so much more. Knowing he can see at least the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel (and isn’t afraid it’s an oncoming train) means even more.

• Coffee and catch-up with the inimitable LL.

• Thinking up ideas for personal and creative Christmas gifts for loved ones.

• Seeing a note stuck to the bus stop that read: “You are the perfect person to someone”

• Making things happen rather than letting life happen to me.

• Taking a peaceful, thoughtful walk on a cold, crisp but sunshiney day.

• Saving a spider from certain doom in the bath and freeing it into the garden.

• Lamb rogan josh and pilau rice washed down with an ice cold bottle of Crabbie’s alcoholic ginger beer (I say!)

• Getting a ‘70s groove on whilst cooking aforementioned curry…David Essex – Gonna Make You a Star

• Being fully alive.

Inner sunniness rating: 9/10
Long term happiness input: 9/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 6 months ago

Well, since I last posted there has been some good stuff in my life…in no particular order…

• Apart from family orders (thanks Mum and Big Bro’ for getting on board…) the first Joyful Promise Zazzle order was received from Spatz ...thank you awesome lady…you are da bidness!!!

• The post I made about Joy’s eye condition was reblogged by a lady who runs the blog for Wayne County library for the blind and physically handicapped (what exactly is the blogger etiquette for such a happening?!)

• A comment was left on the same blog post by an amazingly inspirational man who was in the US armed forces and lost his sight in Afghanistan some three years ago…a privilege to have come to his attention and to have been given such a positive and encouraging comment. Incredible man.

• Been doing a lot of that ‘keepin’ the home fires burnin’ sort of stuff…perfect housewife and all that jazz…Husband’s happy…the pay off’s amazing ;P

• I’ve been paying a lot more attention to my appearance and got a brilliant compliment (I know there are people who think these things shouldn’t matter…but what the hell, it makes a lady feel good!): I was all dressed up in skin tight jeans, red velvet jacket and high (high) heels when a guy started beeeping his horn as I was crossing main road. I gave him that weak smile and continued my way. Some 5 minutes later I came out of a shop to find this same guy parked outside saying, “I hope you don’t mind, beautiful lady, I saw you back there and turned my car around to find you…please will you take my number…” Of course, I told him straight away that I was married but hey, 44 years old and I can still turn traffic around! (Call it sad if you will, but my confidence was boosted, and then some!)

• Sold some stuff on eBay and have more pending. All good contributions towards the Copenhagen goal. Huge thanks to the friends and family that have contributed the items for me to sell.

• On the brink of booking accommodation for Copenhagen. There have been a few issues with the airbnb site but by Sunday we should be booked and paid for (yay!!!)

• Receiving a messages from the one I love most on 43T…get pissed, enjoy ;P

• Romancing husband and making out on the sofa like a pair of teenagers (sore chin anyone?!) when supposedly watching a film.

• Seemingly fruitless job applications followed by a potentially fruitful lead (hopefully more to follow…)

• White wine and chilli olives…Semillion somethingorother….happy stuff ;D

• Getting together with a girly friend for a meal (cooked by her) and catching up chat

• Snuggling with baby Charlie who smiles every time I speak…bliss plus some

• Giggles and silliness with husband (quote: “the best bottle of wine I ever bought” – don’t be rude now!)

• The dog in the park that tried to run off with Joy’s white stick…the ball attached to the end of it to be precise…made the two of us laugh hysterically…the dog owner was mortified, which made us laugh even more!

• People from 43T caring enough to write to check if I’m ok…you know who you are; I;m grand but busy…thank you lovely, darling people (kiss kiss kiss)

• Making, and eating, the best risotto ever known to human kind

• Watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition and getting all teary. In a good way.

• Burping like a trollop and having Husband nod approvingly (even though I know it’s really quite disgusting)

• Getting back on the non-smoking wagon having fallen off it…no harm…all good.

• A music station that plays an awesomely eclectic mix…for example:

Behind Closed Doors – Charlie Rich

Thinking of Me Now – Olly Murs

First of the Gang to Die – The Smiths

Some Nights – Fun.

Hey There Delilah – Plain White Ts

Never Tear Us Apart – INXS

Live it Up – Mental as Anything

Arms of Mary – Sunderland Brothers

Golden Years – David Bowie

A Horse With No Name – America

Ruby Tuesday – Rolling Stones

Your Loving Arms – Karen Overton

Birdhouse in Your Soul – They Might Be Giants

Other things in Happiness Town and worthy of note…

• cheeeeeeese….Cambozola, Blacksticks Blue, Jalsberg, Brie…and olives. Always olives.

• littlesoul is coming for dinner on the 17th!

• Being believed in…no matter what.

• Ho’ made gluten free brownies

• Downton day with Mum and Joy (that’s Sunday to most of you!)

• Turning around and finding solid support at my back.

• Stoopid dancing in the perfume area of a department store with my big Sis!

• Living the life I love and loving the life I live (but still being ready and willing for more)

Inner sunniness rating: 9/10
Long term happiness input: 9/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10
x 6 months ago

Sight
More joyfulpromise card designs; four of them this time from an inspired and wonderfully artistic young man called Isak. Then of course there was the sight of the goal, created by Isak’s lovely Mum, our beloved Ru and joined by the wonderful Ratty. Then there was the sight of all the people who’d visited the joyfulpromise blog and ‘liked’ it. Then I saw Tazzy’s blush-makingly kind post on the push the button goal plus support and generosity from Spatz. On top of all this I got to see the huge, huge smile (accompanied by a couple of tears) on my sister’s face when I shared and showed all that is being done to make this wish happen. The combination went beyond happy and took me into total joy!

Smell
Peppermint foot lotion – zingy fresh and super soothing

Taste
Home made lentil and bacon soup

Touch
Getting soaked to the skin walking in the pouring rain, then peeling off the wet clothes and snuggling into radiator warmed slobby comfies

Hearing
Bill Withers – Lean on Me

Inner sunniness rating: 9/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 7 months ago

Sight
Receiving the first design for the Joyful Promise Christmas/Holiday cards…so cute and clever…this really made me very happy

Smell.
L’eau de Shalimar Parfum Initial by Guerlain – don’t you just love it when you blag those freebie samples from the posh make-up counters?!

Taste
Creamy black cherry yoghurt

Touch
Waking up with a Cat Hat…Duchess curled around my head purring loudly

Hearing
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Higher Ground

Inner sunniness rating: 9/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 7 months ago

Sight
A big, butch, hulk of a man, easily over 6 and a half feet tall and about half as wide, running through the rain carrying a ‘Little Miss Naughty’ umbrella…made me grin.

Smell
The ink of marker pens. Yeh, yeh, I know it’s probably not exactly good for me but they do smell fab (only while I’m using them for purpose…it’s not like I just sit around sniffing pens!)

Taste
Black olives with crumbly, salty feta cheese

Touch
Playing with fabric scraps…vintage velvet and lace make my fingertips smile

Hearing
Emeli Sande – Next to Me

Inner sunniness rating: 8.5/10
Long term happiness input: 7.5/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10
x 7 months ago

I’ve spent the last two days hauling my backside and hawking my CV all over town. This has been an extremely disheartening experience. By midway through today I was really starting to struggle; my feet were hurting, my smile felt false, my ‘intro’ felt over rehearsed and I was likely to poke the next patronising person in the eye.

I’d sat down to be glum and give my feet a break when I remembered this goal and the fact that happiness can be a choice.

I chose to be happy because:

• I actually have functioning legs that allow me to walk all over town

• I can talk, smile and at least give selling myself a damn good shot

• I have worthwhile experience to offer a potential employer

• I’m not stuck in a job I loathe

• Although I need to find a job, I have a roof over my head and at least one decent meal each day (unlike many I passed today)

Somewhat cheered up, I dug deep for the stamina to finish up the day’s job begging and continued on my way.

Song for the day? Helen Shapiro – Walking Back to Happiness ;D
x 8 months ago

Friends have made happiness my easy default; people are wonderful, their goodness mind blowing.

Family have backed up and reinforced those ohsogood feelings and I’ve been smiling, smiling, smiling…

Sight
Watching Downton Abbey…it’s back and as brilliant as ever!

Smell
Jo Malone Grapefruit scented candle

Taste
Seriously strong, extra mature cheddar cheese

Touch
Wrapping up in a lambs’ wool and silk blanket crocheted as a gift for me…like a luxury cuddle

Hearing
Louis Armstrong – What a Wonderful World

Inner sunniness rating: 8.5/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
A message from a darling friend telling me he got the break he’s long deserved…seeing this news made me hop, skip and jump happy!

Smell
Freshly baked bread

Taste
Chicken tikka biryani, Son’s treat; bless his kind thoughtfulness…a massive relief from his mood during the earlier part of the week! I genuinely can’t remember the last time we had takeaway and this particular curry house is the best for miles…happy, happy tastebuds.

Touch
Husband cupping my face gently in his hands and kissing the tip of my nose

Hearing
Eric Clapton – Lay Down Sally

Inner sunniness rating: 6.5/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Too many knock-backs in the job search, an inexplicably belligerent son and continuing insomnia have made this a difficult week. I’m proud of the way I’ve been able to remember to make choices regarding mood and emotion rather than just reacting and sinking. I’m glad I have this goal.

Sight
My friend LL standing on my doorstep; this in itself would have been wonderful enough but add the fact that she was brandishing a bottle of wine and a huge bag of my favourite crisps and you have a truly awesome sight!

Smell
Freshly brewed coffee – I don’t drink the stuff but it smells divine

Taste
The above mentioned favourite crisps – Red Sky’s sea salt & Suffolk cider vinegar – nomnomnom

Touch
A really good shoulder rub

Hearing
Dave Stewart & Candy Dulfer – Lily Was Here

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
Messages…a whole slew of them…arriving by phone, internet and snail mail…sent to me for a variety of reasons but each one filled with love and kindness. My friends, the scaffolding of my life.

Smell
The air after a huge downpour of rain

Taste
Twinings Cranberry and Sanguinello Orange tea served in a bone china cup which, trust me, makes it taste even better

Touch
Snuggly PJs

Hearing
Corinne Bailey Rae – Put Your Records On

Inner sunniness rating: 6.5/10
Long term happiness input: 7/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
Looking out of the window to find my neighbour’s Christmas decorations drying on the line…made me laugh anyway. (Is it customary to wash your tinsel? Am I an unmitigated slob because I don’t do this?!)

Smell
Freshly turned soil

Taste
Hot buttered toast with mmmarmite…yum!

Touch
Running my tongue along just cleaned teeth (my own!)

Hearing
Peter Gabriel – Solsbury Hill

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 7/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
A tear on my Mum’s cheek, because of a good thing that I did

Smell
A bit of a backwards one…smelling cigarette smoke on the street and finding it unpleasant.

Taste
Dinner cooked by someone else; it doesn’t really matter what it was…the fact that someone else cooked it made it bloody delicious!

Touch
The Duchess waking me up by patting my face with velvet soft paws

Hearing
The Stranglers – La Folie

Inner sunniness rating: 4/10
Long term happiness input: 7/10
Short term indulgence level: 3/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
Lavender and Pinks beaming in the brief sunshine

Smell
Freshly laundered bed sheets

Taste
Toasted sunflower seeds…a great big bowl of guilt free guzzling (not that food ever makes me feel particularly guilty, but these are practically virtuous!)

Touch
His lips on mine…welcome home.

Hearing
Hazel O’Connor – Will You

Inner sunniness rating: 4/10
Long term happiness input: 7/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
Husband’s arm around my waist; the curve of the muscles, the perfect fit

Smell
Good quality leather

Taste
Mango & Passionfruit Fruit Booster from Caffè Nero; described as “100% pure fruit juice drink made from mango and passionfruit purees, with grape juice, orange juice, banana puree and lemon juice, blended with ice”. Tastes like a carnival

Touch
The slink of silk moving on skin

Hearing
Bob Dylan – Subterranean Homesick Blues (You weren’t expecting that, were you? ;p)

Inner sunniness rating: 7/10
Long term happiness input: 6/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10
x 8 months ago

Sight
Sitting on the garden swing seat, late at night when all is quiet but for a distant barking dog and watching the flicker of a candle; it’s meditative.

Smell
The tantalising, teasing, there – then-gone scent of honeysuckle at night

Taste
.Mezze all homemade (well, clearly I didn’t make the cheese or olives from scratch but…y’know…;D). Healthy and frickin’ yummy; what more could you ask for?

Touch
The wood of a banister rail that’s been smoothed to silky smoothness by the touch of many hands, over many years.

Hearing
Jon & Vangelis – Somehow I’ll Find My Way Home

Inner sunniness rating: 6/10
Long term happiness input: 6.5/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10
x 9 months ago

Sight
Seeing Husband walk through the door from work; or, more specifically, seeing the packet of painkillers he’d brought for me!

Smell
Black pepper and ginseng bath soak

Taste
Crisp ‘round the edges bacon and gently grilled mushrooms (perhaps if I’d pushed them harder, they’d have given me the info)

Touch
Snuffly dog kisses

Hearing
Diana Ross – I’m Coming Out

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 6.5/10
Short term indulgence level: 5/10
x 9 months ago

Sight
Words written by a friend; I had been afraid they would be very different to the ones I saw; they gave me hope that maybe damage can be undone.

Smell
Frying onions

Taste
Pukka 3 Ginger tea (organic ginger, galangal & golden turmeric) with a wedge of lemon

Touch
Husband creeping his hand over sofa divide to hold mine after a minor spat (his fault, obviously ;p)

Hearing
The Libertines – Can’t Stand Me Now (warning: video contains a lot of flashing lights)

Inner sunniness rating: 3/10
Long term happiness input: 4/10
Short term indulgence level: 5/10
x 9 months ago

She smiled and held out a paw. “We can practice our inscrutable looks and hatch fiendish plots that we’ll never carry out.”

I took her paw and patted it gently. “Why do you come to me?”, I asked.

“Because I know you so well.”

Together we made the best of the day and somehow, even though she never said, it seemed she knew my heart was filled with foreboding.

Sight
Raindrops on the window: this might not normally be too positive but on a Sunday, when there’s no need to go out, it makes the perfect excuse to light a few candles and cosy up with the cat; to read a book, pausing occasionally to lay back on the cushions, watching scudding clouds while following idle thoughts.

Smell
The top of the Duchess’s head, right between her ears; why my cat would smell like freshly cut hay I do not know, but I like it, a lot.

Taste
Minty fresh breath…someone else’s ;-)

Touch
Ok, this one might seem daft, but earlier I was scratching an itch on my leg when it suddenly occurred to me how maddening it would be to not be able to do that…so, scratching an itch is my happy touch sensation for today.

Hearing
Van Morrison – Moondance

Inner sunniness rating: 4/10
Long term happiness input: 4/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10
x 9 months ago

Sight
The sunflowers: Battered, in the corner of the bargain bucket, there sat a little group of sunflowers. Partnered with pretty purple allium there had been so much potential, some glamour to their basic nature, but now rejection and maltreatment had made their heads droop and the shiny cellophane binding them seemed tawdry.

Plucked at the last, bearing the humiliating tag of ‘final reduction’ they were momentarily cradled then borne aloft in a triumphant march through the streets until, at last, they were tenderly laid down and gently disrobed.

Thoughtfully, compassionately, fatal damages were removed and then, (oh, what joy is this?) their stems were carefully lowered into cooling water contained within the curves of a tear-drop of glass. As they gratefully accepted the nourishment and drew it deeper they lifted their heads and smiled, shining their beauty to an adoring audience.

^{I took them outside to take the picture and I have to say, I’m really pleased with how it turned out. Aren’t they pretty?)}.

Smell
Being engulfed by the scent of lavender, intermingled with the spicy, clove-like perfume of pinks (some kind of Dianthus) while taking photos in the garden.

Taste
Well that just has to be my Black Forest cupcakes (gastroporn warning on link ;p)

Touch
Damp grass underfoot, warmed by the post-rain sun.
^{Only the third day of using the senses format and interesting to note I struggle each time to come up with something for this one}.

Hearing
Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Inner sunniness rating: 6/10
Long term happiness input: 5/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10
x 9 months ago

Having this goal has made me more aware, in the moment, of things that build and reinforce the happiness habit…it promotes a more aware happy experience. I found even when I was in the depths of my emotional sea, from time to time this goal would prick at my conscious and I’d hold a good feeling for just a touch longer, or release a bad one a touch quicker.

However, this goal could easily become a place where I beat myself up for not taking great strides in the huge LTH stuff; I’m not ready for a lot of that right now but have nagging sense of ‘well you should be. I need to take it easy on myself for a bit and it’s important to note the simple pleasures, nuggets of happiness and small accomplishments…storing positivity instead of negativity…these are the things that build a base of happiness from which the LTH grows.

I liked yesterday’s format for recording these moments so I’m going to continue with that for now:

Sight
Singing and ‘static dancing’ while chopping vegetables, looking up and locking eyes with Husband as he sorted through dirty laundry whilst doing the same…seeing the big love filled grin spread across his face.

Smell
Cranberry chutney Yankee Candle.

Taste
Risotto with roasted vegetables, served flushed with lemon infused olive oil and sprinkled with fresh, peppery basil. A mixed salad to accompany, topped with toasted seeds and drizzled with aged fig and pomegranate balsamic vinegar. Divine.

Touch
The swish of my hair on my bare shoulders.

Hearing
Dire Straits – Sultans of Swing

Inner sunniness rating: 5.5/10
Long term happiness input: 5/10
Short term indulgence level: 5/10
x 9 months ago

All sense must be taken care of and balanced if happiness is to be secured:

Sight
Have you seen the film “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”? I watched it with Sister while we munched cake and slurped tea. If you haven’t seen it, I thoroughly recommend it. Gentle comedy, a touch of sadness and an uplifting effect on the heart.

Best quote of the film, and something to remember:
“Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right you can be sure it is not yet the end”

Smell
The just bathed, slightly fragranced warmth of Husband’s skin as he snuggled me into his chest for a smooch.

Taste
Dinner…chilli, wedges (slightly overdone) and all the trimmings.

Touch
Face nuzzling with the cat is such a connecting experience, even though she has the stinky breath of old age.

HearingThe Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 5/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10 9 months ago

I think, at least to some degree (quite a large degree actually), my current mental/emotional state stems from the fact that I’ve spent too long in deep emotional waters. I’ve been thinking too much and not doing enough. I got distracted by introspection and didn’t notice where the currents were taking me until I was being crushed by the weight in the gloomy depths of the bathypelagic zone.

Now admittedly there are some incredible and fascinating creatures to explore down there;

worth understanding, important contributors to balance, but on the whole, the kind of beast you tend to want to avoid and to be frank, generally rather ugly buggers.

I think I’ve spent long enough looking at ugly now; I suspect that what I need is to get myself back up to where the sunlight penetrates, to swim around in the epipelagic zone …I have a yearning for some frippery and jewelled prettiness.

I think some time with my head above water is overdue too. I need to stand up, take steps, stop treading water…to enjoy the froth of waves on my legs and trust in the solid uncertainty of the sand underfoot…to splash and play.

Time to kick for the surface.

Inner sunniness rating: 2/10
Long term happiness input: 4/10
Short term indulgence level: 8/10
x 9 months ago

Failed in my commitment to securing happiness. Failed in my promise to post under this goal every day. Failed to grab life and live it fully. Failed my friends. Failed to make moves towards my professed ambitions. Failed to even get a fricking part time job in a goddamned cheese shop.

Succeeded in holding a very long pity party with only one attendee. Succeeded in alienating people for whom I care deeply. Succeeded in not deleting my account even though I want to run away and hide from everyone and everything. Succeeded in continuing to be a miserable, self absorbed, attention seeking, selfish bitch.

Inner sunniness rating: 0/10
Long term happiness input: 0/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10

I hate the world today… Maybe tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing…
x 9 months ago

I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!

Since graduation I’ve been in a strange place; not only have I been bone achingly tired for several days, but my brain seems to have turned into a kaleidoscope. Thoughts twist and turn, shifting and changing…they’re all quite pretty but they just won’t stay still long enough for me to properly look at any of them. It’s like all my thinking pathways have been scrambled.

I keep having flashes of confidence, realisation of what I’ve done, seeing myself in new ways…and then confusion about the new definitions of myself. I’ve never really believed in myself before. Up until now I’ve always looked at people with degrees and thought “Wow, you must be really clever”; now I’m one of those people. It’s taking some time to assimilate and adjust.

Perhaps this is to be expected? Apart from anything else, I’ve had four years of utter focus and as each year became more important than the last, so the tension increased on the wire cords that hold me together; when the tension on the cords is released by the abrupt ‘end of it all’, I guess there’s bound to be an almighty twang and some thrashing around before things settle.

I’ve mostly been taking it easy over the last few days, pottering around the house, sleeping when I feel like it, pampering skin, hair and nails…stuff like that. I’ve been doing my squats (I’ve missed two days), having a maximum of three cups of tea per day and drinking a lot more water, taking 5-HTP, eating something decent at least twice each day and meditating a little most days. Good, caring things.

I’ve also taken care of some backlogged emails, written thank you notes, seized the bull by the horns and taken several steps towards ‘what’s next’, sorted and uploaded photos (still got loads to go through but the barrier has been broken) and started filing/binning this years’ uni papers.

I haven’t spent much focused time with Husband and Son nor have I been particularly inviting towards them; I’ve wanted to be in my own bubble.

There are also two things, essential to LTH, that I need to deal with; I’m mentioning them to ‘put it out there’ and solidify the necessity in my own mind, but right now I’m still putting them off.

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 5/10
Short term indulgence level: 5/10
x 10 months ago

Today has been cram packed with happiness, mostly due to what other people have done on my behalf.

As promised yesterday, I chose rather than grabbed clothes to wear today. I went with an ankle length, fine jersey knit, petrol blue dress (scoop neck, long sleeves); it skims in all the right places and makes me feel super feminine without being girly (girly-girl doesn’t work as a look for me!). I added silver earrings and a looong strand of blue, silver and crystal beads knotted just above the navel (by a fortuitous accident the blue perfectly matches the dress colour). This was finished off with a denim jacket, high heeled denim boots and a burgundy suede, slouchy type shoulder bag. I felt truly scrumptious and received compliments all day from absolutely everyone I talked to :-)

My friend (and her adorable baby) came to collect me mid morning. We then paid a quick visit to my Mum and Sister so they could smooch baby and I could pick up the handbag I’m borrowing for tomorrow. While we were there Mum & Sis gave me my graduation gift; it’s the most gorgeous silver pendant of a laurel wreath, with matching earrings. I shall wear them tomorrow. So thoughtful, so precious.

My friend, the baby and I then travelled (quite some distance) to her house for lunch, playing (oooh, squidgy baby… :D) and non-stop chat.

After lunch I was taken to have my hair done and to have a whale of a time whilst about it. I love my hairdresser; he was so thrilled to see me after all these years that he’d made sure he had no other appointments all afternoon so we could be leisurely, drink plenty of coffee (I stuck with water and one herbal tea…how good am I?!) and catch up on all that’s been happening for us both. It was amazing how fast the hours flew by.

Oh, and I love my new hair…kinda Katie Melua, don’t you think? The before picture is the utterly shameful evidence of how badly I’ve been neglecting my appearance. It really feels good to have been styled and pampered.

Arrived home to find Husband making dinner (always a bonus) and that Son’s mood had shifted from outright hostility to almost pleasant (I’m not complaining!)

Husband has not allowed me to lift a finger round the house this evening. I’ve done my 30x squats and I’m about to go wallow in a hot, bubbly bath with a cup of lemon and ginger tea.

Let life always be this good.

_{I initially found today’s LTH input a bit difficult to rate; an awful lot of what happened gave instant or short term pleasure or was due to the efforts of others. Here’s the thinking that decided the final grade: spending quality time with people you love is always good LTH investment. To allow others to give, and to appreciate the value of what they offer is an important part of a healthy relationship. Today, many people showed amazing love for me and we together invested in LTH.}

Inner sunniness rating: 9/10
Long term happiness input: 9/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10
x 10 months ago

Apparently the Dalai Lama said that. He’s said a lot of wise things so I think I’ll accept it as true.

Today I ‘meditated’ until just gone half past two…which blew the ‘eat breakfast and lunch’ intention right out of the water. I fail. I did make a great dinner and have had supper so at least I got two meals down my neck. I win!

The long sleep was very much needed and appreciated; I’ve not been finding it easy to get to sleep recently and felt much refreshed for those extra hours of slumber.

Despite the late starting point of the day, I managed to fit in a fair degree of productive activity, all beneficial to LTH; highlights include:

Helping my future career prospects by finally overcoming the odd reluctance I was feeling, and sending off some important information.

Not going there with Son, who is still in some kind of weird, hostile space. Also not going there by myself internally by seething and stewing about his attitude, choosing instead to let it go with grace.

Giving Husband the attention he needed. Enjoying cuddles and giggles and ignoring muddles and niggles.

Doing laundry; two loads are hung up drying and one is still swirling in the machine. Tangy inspired me I imagined the mountain of dirty fabrics produced by twin tots and felt shamed by my inability to keep on top of what two (reasonably clean) adults produce. Thank you dearie for your help ;-)

Two for my health: I stuck by my intention to have only one cup of tea and then water. It was quite tough, I love my cups of tea. However, I think it would be good to have at least one day a week where I do this; generally I should aim to reduce the tea a bit and increase the water a lot. I also did the 30x squats, which were easy enough. I’ll be doing another 30 tomorrow.

Shallow as this may seem, part of my LTH involves my looks. I’ve neglected my skin, hair, nails, feet, make-up collection and wardrobe for 4 long study years and need to start paying more attention to it all. As with most of us, when I look good I feel more confident. So today the top to toe of my body has variously been soaked, scrubbed, scraped, exfoliated, moisturised, plucked, shaved, lotioned, potioned and oiled. I might have overdone it a little…I feel a bit sticky to be quite honest :D Anyhoo, it felt good to pay some proper attention to myself.

To continue the theme, I’m going to choose something nice to wear tomorrow when I visit my friend and get my hair cut. I have lived in jeans, jumpers and T-shirts for too long and need to diversify into a bit of style! Not that I’ll be giving up the jeans and Doc Martens completely, but they need to stop being my uniform. Please note, the DMs are flowery…I didn’t lose all my feminity ;-)

Inner sunniness rating: 7/10
Long term happiness input: 7/10
Short term indulgence level: 2/10
x 10 months ago

In thunder lightening or in rain?

In rain apparently.

Today the rain came back to town with a vengeance and I was visited by an unholy trinity that I’ve been endeavouring to banish; resentment, anger and blame…evil, witchy feelings.

I’m not going into all the triggers, suffice to say Son was having a ‘how big an arse can I be?’ day and Husband was being in a bubble for one regardless of what was going on around him.

I protected everyone’s short and long term happiness by shutting myself away in my study. With much repetition of “Choose happiness” I managed to let it go enough to end the day on comfortable terms with Husband. Son is still being an arse but at least he’s doing it by sulking in his bedroom rather than by trying to pick fights with me. I think that’s about as good as it gets for our relationship today.

I cooked dinner, did a bit of therapeutic bath and toilet scrubbing, wrote some letters and made all necessary phone calls to be sure everyone was ok with the arrangements/scheduling for my graduation on Wednesday, so the day wasn’t completely self indulgent.

It’s not really good enough though, to keep bumbling along like this with no plans, just dealing with what comes up each day (or not as the case may be). This is a goal and therefore I should have some defined targets. I said that my diet and nutrition need looking at and they do. Same goes for exercise. I’m not good at committing to these things so one day at a time: tomorrow I’ll drink one cup of tea with breakfast then only water for the rest of the day, I’ll do 30x squats and I will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

‘k, that’s a plan…replace the unholy trinity with a more wholesome trio.

Inner sunniness rating: 4/10
Long term happiness input: 5/10
Short term indulgence level: 7/10
x 10 months ago

The rain has been ceaseless for days on end…weeks perhaps. I try not to let it get to me but find it affects my mood in the end. Determined to make something positive out of it, I went into my garden looking for the beauty…you know, raindrops on roses and all that.

As I wandered around in the pouring rain (or should I say, picked my way gingerly around the boggy mess that was once a lawn) I found myself ease out, take an internal stretch and breathe. This made it even more of a shock when, while contemplating my herb garden, out of the blue a surge of grief rolled over me – no tears, just a deep sense of loss and grief. The strength and rawness of it stunned me, particularly as I couldn’t place where it had come from. I stuffed it down as best I could and went about my day but, like the sore tooth that you have to keep probing with your tongue, over the next few days I kept coming back and poking around at it.

I’m grieving for my sister’s loss of sight; it’s so painful to see such fear, such vulnerability and such yet courage. I can’t begin to imagine how it must be to have your sight diminish so rapidly that within 24 months you go from driving to being unable to see your entire dinner plate.

I’m grieving for my nephew who is drifting into mental illness; so much unhappiness, misery and torment. So lonely and so unreachable.

I’m grieving for my Mum, who did not envisage this life; for the first time I can remember, she is tired and lacks energy… she seems frail.

There was something else though that I couldn’t put my finger on; something more, something underlying all of this.

Days have gone by and this sense of loss has weighed me down to the point I was becoming immobilised by it. I don’t want to go to where that leads so last night I determined to stay up late, to wait until everyone was asleep and the house was silent, and then to sit with this feeling, knowing I wouldn’t be disturbed, until I understood it.

As the day crawled in with the light this morning the tears came. The grief I hadn’t acknowledged was for me.

I love my family dearly, and there is nothing I begrudge them, but the fact remains that my choices are curtailed and my future is altered; I’m now needed in a way that has not previously been the case. Some dreams must be let go to fly free until they can find fulfilment with someone else; they will never come to life at my doing. There are new limitations.

There is fear too; I can no longer avoid the truth of my Mum’s mortality. She is still perfectly able but definitely ageing; I will never be ready to lose her and the reality of just how huge she is in my life makes the prospect almost unbearable.

The fear is further deepened by the fact that with one brother living 100s of miles away and the other 1000s of miles away, when Mum goes pretty much all of the responsibility falls to me; I don’t feel ready to move into that place. I will be when I have to be but I’ve always been the ‘baby’ (even after Little Brother was born…hmmm…); I guess I never considered before how radically family dynamics could be restructured.

When those tears first started and the realisation hit, I was aghast at my selfishness; I was crying for myself because of the troubles of others…can it get more ‘me’ orientated than that? But I couldn’t stop. It was that ugly crying; tears that just keep on coming and huge, wracking sobs that left me barely able to breathe. When it finally abated I felt calm, much lighter and somehow stronger.

It wasn’t selfish, it was cathartic. For my LTH that grief needed to be acknowledged and owned. My energy can now go to the people and places it’s most needed rather than being used to lug unexpressed emotions around.

I woke today to find a little bird spying on me, and the rain had finally stopped.

Inner sunniness rating: 5/10
Long term happiness input: 8/10
Short term indulgence level: 4/10
x 10 months ago