Celebrating with a warm bed, a laptop, and the Life of Pi soundtrack.

And now three weeks of not doing anything I don’t want to do!

Plans for break:
1. yoga and weights
2. Finishing up the cookie dough
3. Eating a lot
4. Shopping at that mall I like and getting a $5 scarf
5. I’m really debating being a huge nerd and going to see Life of Pi again, by myself in like two weeks
6. Spending lots of time with the family, of course.
7. Reading and translating some Russian stuff.
8. I have some Bollywood and Russian movies picked out at the library.
9. Finishing this book called The Perfect Gentleman
10. Spending lots of afternoons at the library
11. Writing a FABULOUS abstract for this graduate student conference. So scared, could not procrastinate more on this culture project. 5 months ago

Gawd, this speech class. I remember learning 3 things in class that were on the exam. The other stuff we didn’t talk about in class. It was online so I had the book with me and got an 86%. So the hardest thing is out of the way. All I need to do now is finish the short answer part of the exam, take a Russian exam tomorrow, return two books, and come up with a way to pay for next semester ($9,090).

I don’t have to take the exam for my other Russian class because I have an A and missed less than four days. I think I will be super nerdy and ask if she would email it to me after it’s been taken so I can have something to refresh my memory over break. 5 months ago

1. There’s no reason to feel unmotivated, uninspired, or not into taking the time to care about other people because you’re so wrapped up in how life isn’t perfect for you. Annnnd that is where half of my semester was spent. Including the summer, there are ups and downs in life, clearly, but I think it’s important to know that how you handle yourself in the down cycles builds character and shows you who you really are.

2. Do some sort of exercise at least five days a week. 2 1/2 I think almost everyone feels like an idiot at the gym.

3. If you see someone a second time (oh, say, in class) talk to them. People are nice.

4. Teachers are awesome people.

5. Keep a to-do list.

6. Avoid things that suck your time or energy like Frappuccinos and IMGfave.

7. Routine SUCKS. So does afternoon classes.

8. Just because you feel busy doesn’t mean you’re productive. 5 months ago

Today I was feeling sorry for myself, I have another year and a half of school, I should be graduate in just one semester, if I had known what I know now I could have gotten this over with quicker, yadda yadda.

Then I realize that I’m in a good place in my life. School or career stuff doesn’t define me like it used to, I have real hobbies and a life now, basically.

I have so many good opportunities now because I went through a rough patch and get so many more by getting an extra year at school.

But it’s still really frustrating and I still don’t want to do any more school work. 5 months ago

I was looking over some entries from last fall. I’m not sure when I changed so much. It must have been earlier this year. I’m definitely calmer, less concerned about people liking me, and feel more assured of myself. There’s a definite divide between my habits, thoughts, and whatever and other people, which is normal of course, but my point is that it doesn’t bother me like it would have if I were nineteen (even though that was just two years ago). 5 months ago

More about boyfriends, after I was thinking about this dream more and whatever: I have matured enough (like wine, of course) that I just don’t have the energy, want, or motivation, to chase after a guy just because he’s cute and seems nice (or maybe not even nice!) I was kind of going along that thought process today just because it’s like habit. But then I thought, eh, you’re cute and I’m going to talk to my friend in the class about how cute you are and maybe try to work with you during the class group work buuuuut, eh.

Things that would have made me self conscious when I was 18 don’t bother me now. I most definitely don’t feel the urge to wear makeup every day or try to act some way that I think will make people like me more. I mean, the thought comes up, but again, eh.
It’s nice to do things for myself because I want to, like I work out because I want to be healthy, not look good for other people. Yadda yadda.

It’s a good feeling. So good, in fact, that I’ll probably wear yoga pants tomorrow, too. (Because I’m sick and nothing is going to get me into a pair of jeans.)

^{Lastly, since 43t basically became my diary when I couldn’t find my real one, this year has really been my year. Especially this last semester I have really become myself.}5 months ago

I talked with this guy in the elevator and he told me he has to take the TOFEL test, or whatever it’s called. I told him that I tutor and would help him if he needed it. We live in the same building, it wasn’t like out and about, I’m hoping that he does want help, I would love nothing more than to teach English grammar.

Second thing, I had a dream last night and I’m trying to figure out what triggered it. I was somewhere in Detroit, north of where my school is. My parents had just moved and I walked to their new house. It was something like real life, because I have lived with them two years out of my life and I don’t feel very welcome to stay for an extended amount of time. I was there working on the computer, something for school. I don’t know about my mom, but my dad was at a party with Russian people, his friends, and I went there. I walked into another room and this lady started talking to me. I said that I don’t speak Russian well. She asked how old I was. I told her 22. All in Russian, I was proud, even corrected my mistake (except that I’m 21) :)
Anywhoser. This was in a city that really is north of here and a very rich area. I walked down the street where the houses didn’t have side yards and were smashed together. I was casually walking down the sidewalk and looking at the houses, like I was just enjoying my evening walk. At the end, before a dead end, turn around things, I looked into someone garage and through a doorway or window and saw this girl in a blue sweater watching TV. I had met her before but didn’t want her to see me watching her. I wasn’t trying to avoid her, I was just surprised to see her there.

I think it might have something to do about me wanting to be more mature or something…? Because the girl is a few years old than me and I had admired her when I was younger, I said I was 22, and I’ll be living with my parents in what will be a new house to me when I’m older, this summer.
Last night, me and roomie were discussing relationships. I told her how my dad sometimes asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. I said that it’s really annoying because I’ve told him time and again that when I’m ready for that commitment and giving up time and stuff then I will look. How easy is it to get a boyfriend? Any girl can get any loser boyfriend, but you have to wait until you find a good guy. Some of that frustration was in my dream, when I was in my parents house and probably why I was also in the car with my friends, in the back driver side seat. 5 months ago

Ideas, thoughts, etc. are objects that exist apart from the dimension of space-time.

I guess I can hop on that crazy train! 5 months ago

Why am I home early on a Saturday night? Because I am either sick (still, since yesterday) or lactose intolerant. The past two times I’ve eaten string cheese, I’ve gotten sick. The cheese might have been bad or I may have been stressed. This cheese, I put it in my bag to eat during class and forgot about it, so I just put it back in the fridge. Both times.

Either way, it’s 8pm and I should be out with my friends but instead I’m here feeling dizzy and disgusting, drinking more green tea. :/

But really…I NEVER get to go out with this group for anything fun and I’m SICK. And usually I have to get myself worked up for social events, but I was SO ready for tonight.

But I guess now I’ll just clean…or something. I still want to wake up early tomorrow and have a cup of coffee, my roommate is gone. Just knowing that I won’t be here next year and only have until the end of April makes me want value all the time I have here so much more.

There was a quote on the side of the page and it reminded me of something I wanted to type out here and get my thoughts organized. It said, “to be ourselves we need other people”. I have realized this very thing not even a week ago.
My roommate has shaped me more than any other friend has. God put her in my life for a reason and I’m so thankful that he did, because I’ve grown so much and got a best friend out of the deal. So, knowing that, I haven’t always been good at socializing. Taking care of friendships didn’t come naturally to me and I’m kind of selfish, and a little judgmental.
And then add me trying to grow as a Christian when nothing goes perfectly in life and I’m like, what do I do?
Well, through roommie, I’ve learned how to, first of all, socialize better and take care of friendships. We met on our first day here and we’ve had basically the same friends. I wasn’t used to hanging out in groups and felt weird in big crowds, like in the lunchroom and all over campus. I’m from the country, I just never had it before. So she was always there and I just followed her lead on how to act. And she’s a really good friend. She has her faults, whatever, but that’s besides the point. She’s been a good influence that way for me.
Second of all, kind of on my own and kind of with her, I realized that as a Christian I have to function in the real world as a normal person. Sometimes I think I get the idea that I have to live up to some weird standards or not say anything that could be taken badly, but it’s still real life.
And yadda yadda, I like her even more now that I’ve lived with her so.
But the quote, I totally get it. I don’t know myself it’s not in relation to other people. That’s just how life works. 5 months ago

Green Tea, of course.

Jalapenos, of course.

Getting back in bed to finish the ten page paper, of course. 5 months ago

This is draft two of what I’m saying for my Russian presentation. I didn’t use a dictionary until I was correcting anything, so this is basically what I can do with what I know: (The things in latin letters I couldn’t figure out the right way in Russian nor do I know the right way to do comparatives, or whatever. I want to come back to this is like, a year and see how much I improve :)

• Когда я решила изучать русский язык, папа сказал, “ты должнa изучать биологию”
• но я люблю русский язык лучше
• теперь папа изучает русский язык потому что он знает что я хочу ходить россия когда я кончаю университет и он хочет ходить тоже.
• и он хочет говорит второй язык. Он только говорит по-англиский
• мы учимся вместе
• он не знаю много слова, так что я помогу ему
• если мы на автомобиле, я скажу, >
• и он отвечает, вообщем (или обычно) он ошибетя
• Dorogoi vremja (ili raz), ja yemu uchitsja novye slova
• если мы в магазине, я указывать и сказать, например, >
• однажды он мне сказал, по-английский конечно, я буду скоро знать русский язык лучше чем тебя
• и я сказала, по-русский, если ты можешь, я тебе дам сто долларов
• он думает что знает много, он сказал, >
• я ему сказала, хорошо 5 months ago

So there was that friend who was involved with sketchy things and I needed to end the friendship before even more sketchy things happened to me. Which I think is totally justified, however, the way I went about ending that friendship wasn’t the best and I feel really awful about it. Just because her life was sketchy doesn’t mean that she wasn’t a good person or deserved for our friendship to be ended like that, I basically just returned her stuff and took my stuff, left the key and a note saying our friendship wasn’t going to continue.
So I want to apologize to her, a whopping two years later, buuuuut that’s scary. Also, I don’t want to be friends with her again. It just seems like it’s the right thing to do to confirm that I was, in fact, a jerk. 5 months ago

I slept 10 and a half hours last night, so I’m feeling a little more human today. I finished that speech I did in six hours yesterday, so now instead of stressing about that, I can stress about my poetry paper. I’m hoping to have five pages done by Saturday and then finish the last five pages next week before Thursday and reward myself, as usual, with a caramel macchiato.

The only thing keeping me going is the promise of next semester and a warm bed every night. So….close…

Oh, next semester. The only ridiculously early class I have is at 9:30. I don’t mind being up at even 8am, but that time for class is just, bleh. Just on Mondays, before that class, I want to go to the gym then. This is probably the last chance I’ll ever have to go to the gym in the morning. Since I’ll be commuting next year, I won’t have the option to come back to my room.
My schedule is really nice, and on those two days, that class gets out at 11:25 and that’s all for the day. So I’m thinking on Mondays I could volunteer at the hospital again (I wasn’t able to over the summer and really miss it). It’s about a twenty minute walk and not bad at all in the afternoon. I hate that my life starts to revolve around my class schedule. I can’t live on any routine. 5 months ago

Before preparing your speech outline, just read a ton of stuff and get it organized in your mind. When you know enough, then type. How many years of school have they tried to teach me this? 5 months ago

and get a little emotional when I am. I almost started sobbing at Wendy’s for no reason other than I’m tired and feel out of sorts.

First of all, I’m happy with my life and the way things are right now. I’m excited for the near future (but certainly not classes these next three weeks). I’ve been wondering lately about a lot of what if’s. Which is normal, right? What if I had went to EMU. Would I have wanted to see people I went to high school with? I didn’t know that the trade off was a building full of freshmen (who come to your door at 1am and some you become friends with). What if that extra year of school didn’t seem like a big deal and I suddenly forced myself to develop study habits?
I guess some things are right at the time and when I’m looking back I think I should have made a choice based on how things are now.

My only regret is that I was making choices based on a fear instead of rationally planning. (But how well can one plan for the future when you don’t know a damn thing about life or yourself?) But if I learned one thing from that situation, I think it’s probably best to forget other people and their opinions, time, your opinions, and just go with your gut feeling when you’re completely empty of daily stuff and everything. (I suppose that works in most cases…)

Speaking of study habits, curious as I am, I am so lazy and unmotivated. And now I will google that question. Really, if I worked even a quarter more than when I do now, I’m sure I would be amazed at my life.

This weekend was weird. Like God smacked me in the face with some personal problems I need to work on. Lazy being one of them. And I’m not even lazy like I don’t do anything, it’s like I get the bare minimum done. It’s more like getting by than thriving.
Also, I don’t think I ever dealt with my anger issues. A long time ago, my family talked about anger management for me, but I wasn’t going to do it, so I of course I just acted in a way that kept everybody happy. I don’t get angry like I yell at people. And I’m usually really happy. But I still want to control everything and get irritated SO easily at absolutely anything.

^{And one last thing, I’m definitely in a rut, which is probably what caused the whole what-if this and that thing. I hate all my classes except the language class, I’m feeling particularly uninspired to do anything beside the bare minimum, I haven’t been eating well, and I don’t think I bounced back the way I thought I would from last school year ending, an odd summer, and nearly every expectation shattered upon returning to school. So I had no idea what to do with my disappointment, my angst towards my pointless classes, and feeling kind of sluggish and blah all the time other than sit around and dig a rut for myself. I can’t change the class I have to take but I did schedule myself TWO psychology classes and have no expectation to enjoy them, in fact, they’ll probably be like my sociology class – review of the last five psych classes I’ve had and I barely showed up mentally and still got an A. I’m back on the workout wagon, I want to volunteer at the hospital that’s a mile away (because I love hospitals way more than a normal person should), and I want to go to bible studies again. I think it’ll be good for me to have like three fun things to do that doesn’t have a thing to do with school or remind me of school or anything related to me putting off school work. I really need to separate my personal self from my future-career-and-school-and-work self. Also, a good nights sleep can fix anything}

^{Adding this in later…happy as I am, I really do regret not developing better study habits and continuing on in Biology. I had such a dream…I mean, it probably would have been a disastrous failure.}6 months ago

Last night I was trying to remember a time where I thought, “If only I knew then what I know now..” I never have, until last night.

If I was who I am now when I transferred in fall 2011, I wonder if I would still be majoring in biology and heading towards medical school. Back then I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it. I still don’t study right or well, I don’t have nearly the ambition or motivation I need, and my desire to graduate and get out in the world for a few years is stronger than my wavering desire to be a doctor. Back then, I was doing it to feel good about myself and say I was going to be a doctor to make up for my lack of self-confidence. I was making my choices based on a fear of not looking good to other people. I knew I was, which is why it seemed like a good idea to major in Russian. Now I’m thinking that I could have still gotten a degree in biology, taken the same language classes and ended up in about the same life situation.

I’m just as happy now and I think I’m definitely getting the better deal. Only a few crappy classes instead of a lot more, graduate only a year late, less debt, these classes are easy…I just didn’t know I had more than two or three paths. But this was definitely a good choice and medical school is still an option for me.
Okay, happy as I may be with my choices, I still wonder if I would have been happier if I could have made a choice based on what I know now. When I’m graduating, another year won’t seem like a lot, but when you’re looking at another three years from the time you’re making the decision, it looks like a long time. Well, either way, it’s not like I cut myself off from being a doctor. If I do decide to do that later in life, I think I’ll be better prepared than I was.

Looking back, the whole ordeal of moving out (sort of) and finding enough self-confidence to function in the real world was awful and stressful. Ah, life.
But I feel like I’m mentally independent from my family’s influence.

^{And my family was giving me crap for my current major. Now, my dad is taking private Russian lessons and told me that I made a good choice.}

And speaking of my family…I’m moving in with my parents instead of living on campus (Saving myself $8000 of debt, woo!). My mom said that I have to pick up after myself, keep my room clean, yadda yadda. So I do this anyway because I’m not a pig. She said exactly, in a stern tone, “There’s going to be some rules!” I come over here today, and there’s a dirty pan on the stove, an empty can on the living room floor with dirty silverware on the table, and dirty plates on the counter. And I need the rules? She’s a crazy old woman if she thinks I’m doing any more work around here than my dad does. I really hate the way she babies him, he doesn’t have to clean or do anything for himself, but I do. As my grandma said, it’s easier to tell me what to do than him, because you take care of your husband. (And also because I come after my dad because, I think, she’s afraid he’ll leave her if she doesn’t do everything for him. And I’m sure she’s not ready for me to live with her and be that first person that I’ll go to if I need something.)

So. It should be interesting living here. ^{I came up with some rules of my own, which I think are entirely acceptable: I don’t take out the garbage, don’t leave hair in the soap, don’t eat my food, and if they need to put something in my room, just throw it on the bed so it’s not lost forever}. 6 months ago

and what else was I to think about other than the course of my life. I will graduate, teach English in Russia for not more than five years and probably less, work as a translator somewhere and somehow, join the Peace Crops and go to South American to finally learn Spanish, then what will I do with my life? The idea of medical school snuck up on me again. I don’t know if it would be something I could consider one day or it’s just a nice idea. That’s not to say I want to change the plans I have now. 6 months ago

it has begun!

I really don’t know how I get good grades anymore. And I’m really not enjoying Russian all that much. I also have two days before Thanksgiving break and don’t have any pressing things that can’t wait until Friday or Saturday. I even left my jeans at home, they have no place in my life right now. Left them right next to my box of care. My break has already started in my mind.

Right now:
1 ten page paper
2 handouts
2 chapters in Russian
Infinite number of poems to read
2 Speeches
3 Exams to study for
7.5 class hours to bring my participation grade up
Infinite amount of Russian bullshit 6 months ago

I’m so excited to get money for Christmas buuuut I probably give myself $8 to spend for every $100. So I’m really cheap. However depending on the room I get at my parents (And they are most definitely giving me a room…), I have a great base to start with. There’s a really interesting ceiling light thing in one and the other one, the walls are a deep red. It’s a win/win unless I get the creepy room!

I’ve been doing a lot of shopping lately. I’m not spending TOO much money, but I am buying things I don’t exactly need right now and I can easily fall into a big hole called Target and sale racks at Macy’s. So right now I am recognizing the problem and recognizing that I am going shopping next Wednesday because I can and probably going to that group of stores near my house to buy myself Christmas gifts for my grandma to wrap up and say she bought herself!

But these rooms! I want to buy sparkly things! If I do live at home next year, I’d REALLY like to buy a couple nice things, considering I’d be saving a few thousand. But it’s not like I plan on living here forever and I clearly don’t plan to lug around nice furniture my whole life. So maybe just a chandelier. 6 months ago

I think I have officially broken up with my best friend. Well, in my mind. We’ve really grown apart, and she’s not the person she used to be. She doesn’t listen to me anymore and refuses to. She asks how I am, zones out, and then starts talking about her own stuff. She doesn’t try to improve herself and a bunch of other things. At this point, I wouldn’t mind telling her that I’m worried about her and that we’re going to take a long time apart for both of us to work on own lives. I mean, a few times she thought she was pregnant and didn’t stop smoking. I just don’t want to be friends with someone like that, not just that, the smoking, but she doesn’t take care of herself.

I mean, I’m seeing the whole picture and maybe listing off a few things here doesn’t fully cover it.

So we’ll see how this goes. 6 months ago

Don’t you think it’d be easy to talk about God with someone who says they’re a Christian? Anger is the LAST thing I expect. And the scariest. People can do what they want, but I am continually blindsided by this person and their reactions. 6 months ago

I tried on a hijab today! OMG, it was so comfortable AND pretty. I also tried on some coat thing that goes over the clothes and took a picture with a girl that was dressed the same AND looks like me. It’s so funny. I’ve always wanted to try on a hijab, just because. I loved it.
Where I did this, they had some other Islam stuff (it’s still Islam Awareness Week). I got my name written in Arabic, talked to someone about the use of the word “mock” early in the second chapter of the Quran, discussed the idea of having more than one wife, talked about the origin of mankind, and did a trivia thing (I knew two of the five pillars of Islam. I think they are charity, prayer, fasting, the pilgrimage, and then something which I think is to like, declare that one is following Islam. It’s similar to Christianity, not that we have pillars, but prayer, fasting, charity, and “declaring with your mouth that Jesus is lord” is super important. So.)

Anywhoser, I wish they did some sort of study like my bible study group did. I asked, they don’t. For one thing, I don’t read the Quran very often and it’s just not that fun to do so on my own. I’d prefer to hear an interpretation from someone who follows it and studies deeper than I will. 6 months ago

1. I forget to work out to be healthy and instead have been working out to get skinny.
2. I refuse to understand that tutoring is not about teaching like I’m following a curriculum somebody gave me, but helping this person as much as I can. I’m like, following my own ego and forgetting why I want to be a teacher, because learning is slightly less important than breathing.
3. Because I’m so self conscious about my paper, I won’t ask for help or seriously commit to it. I wonder if it will really be important to anyone, but I won’t be happy until I keep studying this topic.
4. I’m allowing God ride around in the backseat of my life.
5. I’m not making myself focus on my work, but wasting time with other stupid stuff. I’m missing out on a lot of life this way. 6 months ago

There’s this guy, we’ve been friends for a little while. The last time I saw him, something was different. ^{And he smelled really, really good and I about lost my mind.} Why things felt different, I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you if I just wish I could see my friend more or what.

Sort of related, I had lunch with another friend yesterday. I hadn’t seen her since September so I told her about Assface. She asked how I’m feeling about the whole situation and I told her I don’t think about him anymore and it’s nice to finally be totally baggage free and completely single (Lame, but I was attached to him for so long, even when we weren’t talking, ugh). I’m not comparing every guy to him, and there wasn’t a guy that measured up to how great I thought Assface was. Maybe now I’m just noticing all the cute, smart guys out there. ^{Emphasis on smart, I couldn’t deal with a guy that didn’t read.} Or maybe just the normal ones, considering I had my “I’m 18 and make my own choices” phase, an intolerably stupid ex, and Assface weighing me down for like, six years. So I’d never say anything to him about any of this, so it doesn’t really matter how I’m feeling. 6 months ago

There is a city in India named Mindi (And I spell mine Mindy, but it’s basically the same sooo must travel there and party with the citizens)

I went to my first extreme socialist over-throw-something because we’re in college and angsty political meeting. They call each other comrades and the guy from my class said after the meeting, “I conned you into coming!”. I went because I thought it was just a documentary on the revolution, not some crazy stuff. Something sat wrong with me, perhaps the koolaid refreshments at the end? This guy was irritating, he’s in my class and he was SO rude. I mean, he talked to me just about our quiz but was doing something on his computer and then his phone. I feel like I was tricked into going and the people were weird. ^{There was a sign in sheet and I was able to skadoodle out of there before anyone said anything, but I did come up with a fake name and a story during that awful discussion…}

I’m torn between the desire to sleep and the urge to look at travel blogs all night. 6 months ago

A friend bought me a belated birthday drink. This thing of “Don’t drink anymore” is going badly (And I feel kind of bad about it).

I AM ALSO UPSET AND DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I can relate to grumpy cat very well >:( 6 months ago

someone would kidnap me before my next class and throw me out of a plane over a mid-size Russian city so I can just learn that way instead of spending another year and a half sitting in class.

(Next year I’m taking a listening comprehension class so that’ll be nice? I’m trying to stay positive.)

Yes, class is helpful, necessary, and fun but I’m not learning as quickly as I want to. 6 months ago

My poetry teacher, who is French, studied Russian for a while. I’m writing my paper on Russian to English translation of “I loved you once”. So I’m explaining how you can’t really translate “vy” into English and really hoping she doesn’t mind the cyrillic.
Every paper I write for these gen ed classes are so awful. I basically think of an idea, make it a little more extreme and defend my point as if nobody is grading me. I get a good grade and I think, you’ve got to be kidding me.

These poor teachers.

Totally unrelated, I love washing my hair with baking soda. I bought a hair brush so on my not-washing my hair days I can do something other than a bun. So I brushed my hair, rubbed some baking soda into my roots and put in a headband. I looked pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself.

Also unrelated, maybe once a week or so I get angry for literally a few seconds about Assface, then go on with my life. Is this normal? :|

As I write this train wreck called an essay, I wonder in what ways English expresses things Russian doesn’t. I’m writing my paper on the revers of that, what Russian says that English can’t.
I couldn’t think of a better topic I could write about in three sittings. I’d be shocked if she didn’t see right through my guesses, she did study Russian for a while. And the things I’m writing about is easy enough to understand. I think laughable is a good way to describe this paper. 6 months ago

Another five page paper :/

I can’t decide if I want to put on my pj’s and head to the library or put on my pjs and stay here. I’m coming to a point in my life that I don’t want to go anywhere without looking good. Which I think is pretty sad and reflects my overwhelming lack of confidence that pops up each time someone inquires why I don’t have a boyfriend yet.

Speaking of Assface last night, I have been mentally single for not even two months. Before I told him to leave me alone, I wasn’t open for other relationships.

So I’m being ridiculous. It’s Monday. PJs and library it is. 6 months ago