Find people that I can share who I am with

I had found this person…..and now I have lost him…..I was opening up and now I am back to not trusting enough to open up. I gave him my heart and he basically chewed it up and spit it out.

I confess… I almost did a disappearing act. If the truth is to be told, I have actually been getting quite down of late, and I feel that some of this might sound I’m ungrateful. Being on this site for the last month or so has been so wonderful. Truly wonderful. Because for the first time in my life I am sharing who I am, and telling people what I feel and I don’t feel so alone in the world anymore. But the more people that I am sharing with here online, the more it accentuates how lonely I feel here. I truly feel so lonely I’m getting more upset about it each day. I keep trying to tell myself that this is a good feeling that it means that I am not lying to myself and that I am open about my humanity and what I need in this life now. But I have been turning all this positive sharing into something quite negative. That’s why I tried to run away the other day. I wanted to feel where I might go emotionally if I severed ties with people here. I was also beginning to worry that I might have some dependency issues too.

Well… I’m back now because I think I do need the help here to boost my strength. It is ok to want that. It is ok to admit that I can’t do things on my own. I just have to find a way to stop this desperation that I am beginning to feel inside. This is not the right feeling to have in me if I am to find people in the flesh to be with. However much I long for someone to be close to, I don’t want to cling onto the first person that comes along. I’m really finding this hard. I really don’t want to feel like this – this is a new sadness, and it is beginning to eat away at me.

So… I promise that I will not run away from here again. One day, I might be able to stand up straight and walk away in confidence, but not run and hide like this. I will not do that again. I hope I have not sounded ungrateful for all the wonderful support that so many of you have given me. I just wanted to come clean and tell you that I am struggling here. Things are going very well in terms of work, and in terms of my speech , and in terms of how I am, how I share, how I’ve opened up – but I’ve never felt as lonely as I do now – of course I’ve always been lonely – but I’ve never felt it like this. This hollowness. I wish there was an easy way out of this feeling. I fear there is not one. This hurdle is a mighty big one & it’s going to take more courage than I think I have within me at the moment. I’m using all my strength just to stop myself from going down that emotional spiral. I’m trying so hard to just focus on work, and looking after myself, and creating stuff – but I’m feeling my emptiness all the time.

well… I’ve really met some truly lovely people via the internet over this last month and I have been very comfortable opening myself and sharing my thoughts, doubts, life, pains and smiles. But now, I still have to find people in the flesh – people that I can meet. I feel so very much better – I feel less alone in the world. I am much happier being me and I want people to know.

Well… I’m already getting the feeling that I can & will find them here. There really are some truly wonderful people frequenting this site. Sooooo glad I gave this a try.

I’m so fresh out my ‘mollusc shell’. Haven’t been around to pick up any social baggage. And don’t want it either. Just want to find open, honest, real ALIVE human beings to share with