Accept that such big changes can take time

a really awesome goal, and I’m marking it “to do again” but I think I can reasonably call this done, judging by the lack of active posting on it, and that I have other “acceptance” goals going on that are possibly more relevant.

When I started this goal I was at the beginning of setting up a new lifestyle, one which would allow me, day by day, to take the necessary steps to turn my life around gradually, over not just months but years. I think I have that lifestyle well embedded now, at least in the form it exists within my current circumstances, I do a whole host of stuff every day that, while I know it won’t pay off for at least a couple of years, is important and relevant and purposeful. Every day I practice belief that my little clutch of daily actions are laying the foundations for a very different life in 6 months’, a year’s, two years’, five years’ time. I can see that it’s working, that I am moving forward in tiny steps, and I have embraced the commitment, in time and botheredness, to doing those things every day and not moaning about them.

It’s those little things that breed in me this hope that, although they can take time, such big changes are going to happen.

I made a list today of the amounts of time it’ll take me to reach “goal weight” (even though it’s only a guess until I get there) at various rates of loss; it’s getting stuck on the wall at work, to remind me that what I stand to gain from resisting the office biscuits is the considerable difference of time – several months – in losing three pounds a week rather than two, or two rather than one… I haven’t done it before because I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself, but I guess this is a sign that things are finally getting better enough for me to start not just hoping, but banking on it happening.

The biggest change recently has been realising just how much of life I was using food as a substitute for. Rediscovering other things that I love to do, seeing binging as an over-played way of emptying time of meaning, and just starting to rationalise the way I approach it – not all the time, but more and more – is really freeing me up from this urge to want to eat all the time.

It’s not even about discipline, so much, as being able to talk myself round. Yesterday I’d spent two hours after work with food on my mind, what I wanted to eat when I got home… but on the train I managed to remind myself enough times, until I remembered, that this is not what I really want. And I think today was easier because of yesterday, and so on…

And I think something fundamental has changed about the way I see myself. Although I doubt that anyone else really sees a difference, to me it’s amazing to have muscles popping out, limbs that move easily, a frame that stands straighter and stronger, and lungs that respond more readily to being out of breath. Twenty weeks in and it’s becoming clear that I have never felt (or looked, for that matter) better than I do now. And on top of everything I have never taken better care of myself, or respected myself more; I have the confidence that comes from knowing that I am making the effort, and I am getting back control, in a situation where I’ve spent my whole life feeling hopeless.

They are very gradual steps with lots of mini-slip-ups, but I really feel that I have turned the corner. I’ve made a commitment to a different lifestyle and really come to be grateful for it, even though it was hard to accept at first. And now that I’m facing the right direction, I guess all I have to do is go straight ahead…

I don’t think I will have lost as much as I wanted to this month, but I think I am settling down to the routines and starting to understand that I have the power to get myself there gradually.

It should be enough with the swimming and walking and I’m good about doing my crunches in the evening. The hardest thing is eating little enough food to make the difference but I have finally started making some progress on that, on learning to care less about eating, which is a break through.

It’s hard not to let other things (like feeling upset, frustrated, etc) disrupt it but I think I’m getting closer all the time to sticking to the plan and it will be nice to settle down with it properly and hopefully see some regular progress. I just have to chill, and focus on all the other wonderful things in life other than food.

::tears hair out::

I just feel like I am getting nowhere at the moment. Totally stalled. Look back on the past year and what, exactly, have I achieved? What’s changed? What’s changing? What have I experiened? What have I got to show for it? I feel like a failure.

So I guess there are three things I can do right now:
1) work out a list of things I can do immediately to make me feel like I’m getting there, work harder, get them done, reassess;
2) take a break, accept that things are the way they are, let some of the pressure of, breathe, then try again
3) totally scrub the plan and come up with a new one.

I just have to stop this stagnation. Which is the best option?

Having read this and its entire thread this morning, I was transported back to a year ago when I was just starting to make preparations for coming back from Japan, or when I was planning one of my trips in the years before that. It’s funny how, in some periods, there are a million little practical things to do, and when they’re done, they’ve all added up to give you a completely different life…

And I started thinking, are there a bunch of actions like that, that I_ could take _now to give myself that feeling of suddenly moving forward? What a rush that would be! And yeh I did come up with a few things, and maybe I will list them up and do them all in one go and feel a bit more active.

But life isn’t always like that. And I think the quickest way to get to where I want to be (dramatically different as it is) is to stick with the routines I have every day, keep plugging away. There is no getting past the ground-work.

I’ve finally gotten into the habit of getting some sort of deliberate exercise every day. I swim out of habit, and if I can’t swim I will make extra effort to get outside and walk. That at least is a big turnaround for me, compared to how my life used to be.

And I guess that’s how it should be really. My body doesn’t like being shut up and sat on all the time. Am definitely happier for it.

that it’s possible to turn your life around completely, flip it sideways, mould it into something barely recognisable from what it was before?

A brief show of hands, if you would.

Had an emotional chat with the SO/WE on Saturday about how this is precisely what I am trying to do. SO huge. Indescribably so.

And the only thing more enormous than the idea that it might actually happen is that I have had day when I have believed that it will long before it ever showed signs of doing so.

I have this flash image of a big big rock, just a bog-standard rock in a field, flat on the bottom like a giant seal, and I am pushing it and pushing it and when it finally rolls over, on the underside it is covered in all these intricate ancient engravings and pictures and patterns and signs.

Takes a long time to flip a rock.

Considering that it took more than 20 years of eating to get me here, I must be crazy to expect to turn the whole situation around – both physically and psyochologically – in the space of two years.

I have to start accepting that if I stick to the plan – daily exercise and keeping the food at bay as much as is possible – I AM gonna get there in the end.

I really need to work on getting past my emotional stumbling blocks though. No amount of eating is going to fill the void, in fact, maybe I am just going to have to accept the void and get over myself. I want to be able to live my life without constantly thinking about the void void void…

So the way it seems to work is, I’ll be fine for a while…

...then gradually start getting a bit worried/frustrated…

...then after a while get really down (after resisting furiously for about a week or two)...

...then hit rock bottom…

AT WHICH POINT I will always:
1) have some tragic realisation about myself/my past
2) get one major revelation, one hint, one idea to improve things

After which point I will feel like I am more in control, feel relieved, and immediately shoot back up to brilliant emotionally.

It always seems to be this way. This time the (1) was here and part (2) was this entry yesterday.

As things have gone on this year, I feel at least like I am spending more time dithering at the “getting down” stage, because I really try to fight the slump, even though I know that I have to get to the bottom of the pit to retrieve my next set of answers. I don’t know if resisting is good, but I have a feeling it might be.

I wonder how many times I have to go through this before I am back on top of things? (and by that I think I mean, not eating destructively). Although I guess the lows and the knowledge they bring are the only thing that stand a chance of clearing the whole painolith anyway. How ironic.

Anyway, the good thing is, I have my answers clutched firmly in my moosey hoof, can already feel myself shooting back up like a firework, and I fully intend to make the most of it and thoroughly enjoy my birthday!!

I started to think that just because I did so well in April, that it was suddenly going to get easier.

I have to lose the equivalent of a whole person, both physically, and it seems, metaphysically. There are so many attitudes, so many habits, so many lies about myself and about life, that I have to let go of. There was never much chance of any part of this being easy.

And I really feel like I’m in the midst of it now. I am even finding myself trying to let go of my “old life” in expectation of the life that awaits, but isn’t quite here yet – leaving, quite frankly, a void.

I am just so very in between, so unsure but still sticking it out. The length of time it takes is the hardest thing about it.