figure out who I am

Nail varnish update: this week I have mostly been wearing black. Not sure why. I guess it’s kinda edgy. One practicality to it is that I’ve been able to fill in any chips with a permanent marker, meaning my manicure has been pretty much flaw free for a good 4 days. Ohh yeah.

Tattoo update – I have my first tattoo and have booked in for my second. I feel that my tattoo has been helpful to me in this goal – it helps me to remember who I am at some level, to record the moments of clarity. I’ll be having my next tattoo on my foot. There are several meanings behind each, and also, in getting these tattoos I feel like I’m truly making my own decisions, declaring my independence, and revealing personal truth…

Deep, right? Skin deep at least…

I’ve also been having a lot of weird dreams, which I’m probably taking way too much notice of…

I also figured out I’m not a graphic designer. Creative, I am. Artistic, I am. Do I have an eye for design? I believe I do. But graphic design? Cold, commercial graphic design? Web design? Vectors? logos? Gradients and pixels? Is that what I want to be doing? No. No it isn’t. It has took me this long to finally realise and admit it. Through College and Uni I have had my doubts, but have always thought ‘well just because that tutor disagrees…’ or ‘I’m not enjoying it right now but it’ll get better…’ My autopilot has took me a little too far in that one direction, and now I’m just in the process of turning it around – I think something is building in me now… I’m getting inspired…

I’ve downloaded a crazy amount of music lately – from Sinatra to Paris Hilton to Disturbed to Shakira to David Guetta to Foo Fighters, Abba, Chicago soundtrack, Britney… I like a lot of different types of music, and I’m going to have on my iPod the songs that I LIKE, not songs that I think others will approve of… I spent too long letting people judge my taste in music (which once resulted in the unlikely swing from Ibiza anthems to thrash metal)

Learning to drive is a wake up call… I feel like I’m trying to wake my brain from a long sleep – to stop being oblivious, to take notice of things around me and react appropriately…

And that’s enough self indulgent musings for one day, methinks!

Somewhere in the first year of college, I feel like I lost myself. I used to have opinons, I used to be sure of who I was and who I wanted to be. I never thought twice about the things I liked or the things I said, but now I constantly analyze myself, trying to be someone who I think is better than who I was, but it’s only made me more frustrated and confused. I feel like I’ve become simply a reflection of whoever I’m around, and I miss myself. I just want to go back.

Maybe I analyse too much. Or not enough. lol…

It has took me this long to find a shade of nail varnish that suits me. I like all colours, but at some point during the day I’m likely to obsess about whether my nail colour best reflects my personality and what it says about me.

I’ve finally settled on a dirty shade of pink. Make of that what you will.

Of course, this goal is BIGGER than mere nail varnish…

I am how i am, and i guess that makes me part of who i am, but i have no idea where i stand on a lot of things, like : Music, religion, where i stand on important subjects. I realize that i can be how i want, but i’m not sure what that is, im not sure how i want to be. I’m not on a search to find myself, i’m on a search to create the person i want to be, the figure out what i like, and then to like it.

This goal is very general and pretty complex, and probably damn near impossible to accomplish. We all know who we are to some extend, but do any of us know who we REALLY are? I just don’t know. Although, I guess a truly life altering experience will make you ask these questions. I’ve asked myself these questions before, when my life changed some dramatically in the first place, and thought I knew. My new lease on life, and I was so excited. Now I sit here alone, and wonder what should I be doing? Who am I? Why am I where I am, and not where I want to be in life. Why did I make so many bad decisions, and end up here in the first place. What can I do to fix this, and fix the completely lost feeling I feel. I honestly have no clue, but I hope to start figuring things out. I’m tired of feeling so lost and empty. So confused about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I got my second chance and I’m so thankful for that, but I feel like I’m wasting it, and I just don’t know how to stop wasting it. That probably makes no sense to anyone, but I just feel so confused about everything. Lost in this life for sure, and not really sure what to do to right all the wrongs. Blah. Life is just so confusing.

i think i am much better at this than i was in my early twenties. i have to find out what i need as a woman now….ugh its hard to grow up for me!

I just got out of a relationship, I’ve always been in relationships. who the hell am I outside of one. Who am I as a single young woman. All I can come up with is I”m a nurse. I must be much more than my career and I need to figure out what else I am what else I want and what I really want to be.

this is a really helpful thing to know
it stinks that at my age i have absolutely no clue

hi guy it is a tuff task to say who m i because we can’t define everything ourself

Find out what I want in life