have a summer fling

I’m going to Colorado for a year come August, and I want to have a summer fling before I go, between returning home to Cardiff (I’m currently living in Brighton for university) and flying out to Colorado. Not entirely sure why, but it seems like something to make my summer a bit more interesting!

I like this guy and he likes me and I think we both know something is going to happen;)))

I started a summer fling right after school got out. I liked the guy so much and it was so nice to have someone to hang out with everyday. We broke up like 3 weeks later, but I’m still close friends with him now. I want something like that this summer! Just someone to go to concerts with, hang out with, make out with, cuddle with, go swimming with, go to the beach with, and just do all those fun things that come with summer. There’s a lot of guys I’m crushing on, but I’m like really worried nothing will come of it and then I will lose touch with everyone that I’m not super close with over summer. Idk I hope, I wish, I dream..

Movies and television make it seems like so much fun, and I want in on it!

There’s still time!

So I was seriously in a crazy love meltdown thingyyy. I became soooooo attached to what i could do to my first boyfriend (and ex), and i knew we could probably find a way to secretly go away together, but then i thought, hey i don’t want to exactly remember having to do all these firsts(but no sex, not until i’m older … like legally and probably wouldn’t until a little later cause i’m not just going to give it away to anyone.) with my FIRST BOYFRIEND. that’s just…eehjfkljsdf. i’ve seen it happen to my friends friends and i’ve learned a lot from just watching my friends with their guys. i’m not going to just let it be with any funny guy or any cute or hot guy, i am very picky about those things. i don’t want to get hurt, i mean i know i will, but not THAT much, you know what i mean?

i think if i hanggg with my friend raychelle we can capture one of these boys and have a fling for a while.
but it depends, cause im not allowed to date anyway,
how will i sneak away?
what if he lives up … country?
cause i’d be opposite…
how will we chill down in my place and go to the beach and stuff…and it can’t just be upfront and clean, we’ll have to plan when we’ll “meet again” or anything? cause i don’t like just random hook-ups. I WANNA FLING DAMMIT lol

and i don’t know….... i just want to.
i haven’t had a boyfriend since back in the 7th grade.
i’ve seen all my friends getting at least ONE boyfriend per grade, and….
i just want to get more experience in kissing, and im playful, i like to play around and i just want something fun.
not worrying too much about hurt feelings or anything.
for like the benefit of the both of us?
see, it comes back to my old boyfriend again too, because he’s into that. he’d probably die if he knew what i was willing (and wanting) to do, and since he lives in the same town, and the bus can take him close to my house (i mean my grandma works at Foodland to pay off for medical insurance…he lives near foodland) it would be already set and perfect. BUT IM NOT GOING TO MAKE SOME OF MY FIRSTS WITH MY FIRST BOYFRIEND.
that’s just idk.
if you guys think it’s alright tell me.
cause i think it’s not.
and what about the fact that he dated my best friend? again? since like 7th grade.
what if he has a new girlfriend or doesn’t want to?
or can’t? what if he’s grounded?
what if he still hates me?
or thinks i hate him so much or somethinggggignign?
and i haven’t seen him in soooooooooo longggggggg.
what if he’s still like gaga over my best friend?
even after the whole 7th grade boyfriend swap?(long story, but he was my real first boyfriend. my first ‘boyfriend’ ... we ignored each other for a week then i broke up with him. we actually talked on the phones, we were best friends first and then we did kiddie couple stuff.)

IM SO CONFUSED!
get me a boy asap.

I haven’t written an entry on this in a while because I’ve been trying to decide if I’ve succeeded at this goal or failed at this goal. My fling and I are still together and summer is long gone. So does that mean I’ve failed at my goal of having a fling, if he turned into more than a fling?

The last time I wrote I wondered if I should ask him some serious questions. Those questions have been asked, and I feel like he is more attached to me than I am to him, but at the sam time I am far more attached to him than I ever thought I’d be. He makes me happy, and I truly enjoy his companionship. Our relationship is deeply intimate without being as serious as the other relationships I’ve had, and that is refreshing.

The most difficult part of the whole thing is that I know I’m moving to California next year, and I don’t want him to go with me. I don’t think he really wants to go anyway: although he’s joked about it, his entire family is in Chicago and I don’t imagine he’d leave them. What he wants more than anything at this stage of his life is to get married and have a baby. I want those things too, but not right now and not with him. I’ve told him all of this, and I’ve told him I don’t want to waste his time. He assures me that I’m not wasting his time because I make him happy. I tell him that he needs to find someone else. He says he’ll find someone after I leave.

These interactions worry me. I worry what’s going to happen. I worry if I’m doing the right thing. At the same time I tell myself that he’s an adult, and as long as I’m being completely open with him, then he can make his own decisions. Besides, it just seems stupid to break up with him now because I know I’ll have to break up with him later. Sure, the longer I’m with him, the harder it will be to leave him, but why miss out on the joy and the fun and the experience of it all between now and then?

I’ll probably write about this some more, but right now I think it’s best I move it out of the “fling” category by marking that I’ve completed this goal. Fling? Check. Relationship? Check. Horrible disaster? Who knows.

The Sunday before Labor Day was a particularly rough night at work. We had far more customers than we had anticipated, and we were horribly understaffed. Everyone was running around in a nonstop frenzy, both in the kitchen and in the dining room. As soon as the night was over, the entire staff went down the block to the nearest bar and proceeded to get smashed. I had worked closely with my fling the entire night and gone out of my way to help him out. At the bar, I leaned up against him in exhaustion, not caring who noticed. Of course they started asking questions: “Are you guys together?” The attraction between us had been obvious for weeks but now was the first time they had good reason to pipe up. I didn’t deny a thing, and it was a relief to have the secret out in the open.

I spent the night with my fling, and woke up the next day with a raging hangover. I craved “white people breakfast,” I told him, and took him to a diner for pancakes and bacon. Then he drove me back to where I’d left my car the night before, and called me later that afternoon to make sure I’d gotten home okay. We didn’t have sex that day, and I found myself enjoying his company regardless. (Oh no! Enjoying his company?!)

Things since then have been strange. We still have sex once or twice a week, but we’re starting to feel more like a couple. The fact that it’s not a secret anymore has taken some of the excitement out of it, but it’s also taken some of the anxiety out of it too.

Normally at this phase of a relationship, I’d ask some serious questions like “How do you feel?” and “Where do you see this going?” but with the language barrier, I don’t know if that’s possible. But the longer we go without having such a conversation, the stranger it will become… we’re getting closer and closer to each other without saying a word.

Lately it seems like I’ve been making mental lists of Girlfriend Things and Fling Things. Like the quinceanera quandary I mentioned below: going to it would have been a Girlfriend Thing. I took a shower at his apartment the other day and was thoroughly grossed out by the mildew in the bathtub. I thought, “I should bring some mildew killer next time I come over.” Then I thought, “NO! I’m not his girlfriend! That’s something a girlfriend would do!” When I got out of the shower I found that he had made himself some coffee and made me a cup of tea (chamomile, or manzanilla—that was my new Spanish vocab word for the day). From watching me at work he knows that I don’t drink coffee, but that I love tea. I was so touched. If I were his girlfriend I wouldn’t have been as touched, because I would have expected him to make me tea. So the line between Girlfriend Things and Fling Things doesn’t always make me fret. Sometimes it makes me smile.

Sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line. I see the fling once or twice a week now. He lives in a 4-flat his brother owns and the bottom apartment is currently vacant, so we hang out down there and enjoy the privacy from his roommates. In between sex, we have some really interesting conversations. I’m definitely not falling in love with him, but I enjoy spending time with him and I find myself missing him when I have to work on one of his days off.

He invited me to his niece’s quinceanera next month and I said no, because I’m not his girlfriend, and I didn’t want him introducing me to his family as such. He seemed a bit let down and then I felt like a jerk. But I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, right?

Sex on a regular basis = not necessarily his girlfriend
Meeting his entire family at an important family gathering = definitely his girlfriend