identify the things that are sucking the life out of me and eliminate them

smart enough, so much enough, and sometimes I just panic and don’t do anything but just stare…

...this time it’s about math. Math.

I realize if I complain about anything, I tend to get slammed and misunderstood by a lot of people. I know this is telling me to stop complaining and just sit in the feeling and see what happens.

Complaining is sucking the life out of me, so let’s cut it down a lot.

Widdershins is casting a circle counter-clockwise, which for most magic, releases something. Deosil is clockwise, bringing in and sealing. I realize I always walk deosil, it’s automatic in the physical as well as the psychic realms.

So today i made an effort to walk widdershins on the park trail, and what an experience. I kept seeing lichen in the shapes of hearts, and I noticed the moss which grew on the north side of trees, not because they love the north so much, but because they get away from the overbearing heat. They banish the south. I think I need to turn away from certain ideas, and banish them from my life by walking widdershins. I need to balance the deosil, drawing in aspects.

I have posted some of the things I have been through in school recently on another section here, boiled down to ignorant, entitled women bullying me for various reasons. I have come to realize, by asking wise women RNs, that this sort of thing is common, and the best course of action is to ignore it and not get into the politics. Trust that my professor knows exactly what she is doing and that these people will probably eliminate themselves during this long program.

I realize this is excellent advice, so I will avoid politics, still enjoy eating my lunch alone away from the gossip and bullying, trust the gods, and focus on learning about being a nurse, which is why I’m here in the first place and what I love anyway. These people in school don’t exist for me anymore.

Eliminate: politics and paying any attention to these people.
Focus on: my love of nursing and school itself.

Someone who is a close friend has gone out on drugs, a variety, but now his favorite, crystal meth. He called me last night, I was exhausted and studying, saying he had something very important to tell me, sometime he couldn’t tell me over the phone. I was a bit panicked, thinking one of our mutual friends had died or something. He took his sweet time getting here, and then told me his big secret: his phone and email are tapped. He then proceeded to stay until 1 AM (Jesse and I had been up since 6am, and I finally told him he had to go because I had to get up in five hours. He actually got mad. He also kept evading the discussion when I kept asking him what was he going to do about his drug use. He hates the program and is too smart for his own good in this area.

In the last few weeks several of my friends have relapsed and terrible things happen to them all, in different ways. So this person is my friend and I love him, but I will drop him if he starts to mess up my life. I can’t care more about his life than he does.

Being broke is so sucking the life out of me and Je. So I went to a job interview today, and we are both looking for better jobs while I continue in school.

This time next year I will not be broke, and even sooner if possible.

The first thing here is that I’m looking for a new job, one somewhere in personal health care. I am having a harder and harder time at the bar I work at, especially now that I’m in school.

The second one is that I am really going to limit some posts, people and topics I visit here at 43 things, as it/them doesn’t seem to go well for me. They just get angry, no matter what I say, or how I say it, so if I don’t post there, we can orbit our different worlds and not meet. I can’t blame them, they are who they are, my part is that I get involved in the first place. I can change that. I like 43 Things and I want to keep it on an uplifting level for me.

This morning was a mess….again. Running around, anxious, worried. and getting later each minute. The effect compounds itself.

This afternoon I started thinking about my ideal morning:

1. Wake up refreshed, with plenty of time to myself.
2. Go to kitchen, make tea and oatmeal (have those items set up the night before)
3. Do some yoga.
4. Take a nap (hahaha)
5. Get ready for work. Out the door.

I’m sure there are other ways of doing things – some of these are just convention I have fallen into. The key is, though, I want to feel peaceful and happy during all this. I hope that doing it can make me so (rather than the other way around?)

car inspection
bills
resignation letter
fridge

I have learned that some people (mostly men from what I understand) have evolved an ability to compartmentalize, meaning separate into distinct parts. To me it has implied a lack of ability to deal with one’s emotions (resulting in putting them aside). However I do not compartmentalize. I am aware of my emotional state at all time, I wake with it, I bring it to work, I go home with it, etc. As a result, I am swimming in my own emotional quagmire all the time, which sucks up mental time and energy.

There may be something benefit to my learning how to compartmentalize. Most people talk about it in terms of separating work life from home. Mine is somewhat the opposite.

It will take a great deal of conscious effort, but might make it easier to get through the day if I can tell myself to put aside “thoughts” and just focus on work, even if it is in small bursts, as described in this article:

“I remember being told that it is impossible to do two cognitive things at one time. A cognitive activity is defined as a conscious intellectual activity. Although for years I have prided myself on being able to do two or more things at once, I am beginning to understand that when multitasking my attention is divided, so I am not doing the quality work I would like. I also discovered that it often takes longer to do more than one thing at a time because of the fact that my attention is divided. The secret to getting things done and getting them done well is to compartmentalize and focus on one thing at a time.”

http://www.ezinearticles.com/?Compartmentalize&id=46682