write more, randomly

^{It’s quite pathetic, but I cried last night about a dog I lost a long time ago.
I could still remember the last time I saw him.
We were all moving out of the house.
As soon as the last of our things were packed in the moving van,
we all rode in the car and took off.
He has such gentle, trusting eyes. He must have sensed that we were leaving him because he barked and ran after our vehicle until he couldn’t run after us anymore.
My heart still aches when I remember him.:(}

I can’t recall why.
I’m sure it’s nobody’s birthday nor anniversary…
then why do I feel I’m missing something significant?
^{Bah.. What is December 19?}

Ha! I don’t know why people spread some false rumors about me.
I’ve been accused of being pregnant lots of times. Okay, maybe It’s understandable because I easily gain weight. But when I lose weight, I’m accused of terminating my pregnancy! You see i could never get away with any weight without a leaving a story behind.

And yeah also that I have a sugar daddy! All of these are untrue of course! But there are some people whose minds are closed. Once they heard it, they would automatically conclude that it’s true. They live behind the crooked reasoning “no thief would admit to stealing”. It wouldn’t occur to them to their closed minds to think past that reasoning. What if the thief is not really a thief?

Sometimes I would just laugh at it. It’s really funny! But this new rumor I heard this time isn’t funny, but annoying. And guess who this is all about? ME again! This time I have a child I’ve hidden from people. How ridiculous! The person who fabricates this story must be so reliable that even my employer and my close work buddy believed it. It’s a good thing my friend confronted me about it, I wouldn’t have been aware that people are discussing how bad a ‘parent’ am I behind my back. I’m a parent now and I’ve never been pregnant nor borne a child! I’m hurt because I’m always targeted by people I don’t expect to ever do such a thing. Maybe I’m a poor judge of character.

You need reassurance all the time.
Concluding I’m angry when I couldn’t answer the phone.
Thinking I hate you when I don’t have time for you.
I have my own life.
I’m so anxious and tired of explaining that.

All your problems and pains are all said in the superlative degrees.
For you you’re the most depressed, the saddest, the one with the most painful experiences, the loneliest…etc.
You ask about my problems, but then those fall in deaf ears.
I couldn’t even get past the first sentence, before you start again, that I’m more miserable than you because….blah blah blah.

I couldn’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.
You ask for help and when I steer you to possible solutions, you refuse.
I guess you just want an excuse to whine and not work on your problems.

I get hurt when someone claims I’m special and couldn’t even remember a single word I said.
Someone who asks the same questions over and over again.
I’ve been answering the same question for many consecutive months, but I guess I’m not really special as what I was led to believe. Everytime I talk, it seems I’m starting on a blank slate with no history.

Reverting again to victim mode when I voiced out my feelings.
Yes, this time I’m the oppressor and he’s the victim just because I refuse to play the game anymore.

I am human with feelings too. I get hurt and rejected.
I have needs that I want to be met.
I want to be listened to and I want my issues to matter and not to be discounted as ‘just a silly problem.’

I returned them all to you except for five. :)

Glad to see you back!

+attachment
=value
+jealousy
=anger
+arrogance
=attention
=loss
=despair

I get impatient whenever I meet new people and then upon knowing I have this, takes a step backward then ask Could you infect others?
From the word “deficiency” isn’t it self-explanatory that it’s not communicable???
It’s just like saying headache is contagious..

I destroyed my journal and threw away my dvd’s and discarded the pages of some of my books! This morning,when I woke up the sight that greeted me was the trash that resulted from last night. I looked at the torn pages of my books thinking how sayang it was!

Well, that’s the price of getting insane. Venting my anger on my things even though they haven’t done wrong. :P Next time, I’ll deal with my anger directly because I can’t afford to get crazy anymore. But anyway, it was therapeutic because I feel better today.

I’m in a low mood today. Maybe I could blame it on “My Sister’s Keeper,” the movie I watched yesterday or maybe because I chatted back with him and I could sense that there’s a really big distance between us now compared to the time we were still close with each other. Or maybe it’s because of my monthly period. It seems that I’m entitled to cry once a month because I feel bad and I can blame it on my period. I feel so sad right now, but I knwo it will just take several hours and this afternoon I’m sure I’ll be back to my sing-songy self..

It’s raining again, but not that hard. Glad that Typhoon Ramil is not going back again. I’m beginning to get nervous about heavy rains because when it happened last month, it drowned many people and buildings. Even my sister in Manila was affected. She has to buy bedsheets and clothes because all of it were soaked. THe things she salvaged was her cellphone and the bag she brought to SM that day. All of her things were gone.