allow myself to be loved

Ever since my ex (who became so for good reason) I have held my current bf at bay. He is a very wonderful, talented, smart man and we’ve been together a year and a half now. STILL I question his motives, my motives, our motives. I just want to sit back and enjoy this – whatever this is and whatever it may become. Because I am my own worst enemy. And could possibly ruin this – this whom may just be “the one”

It seems as though whenever a man begins to feel something for me I get scared and break it off. I’m sure what I’m scared of. I think in some cases I’m not that into them but have maintained a relationship because someone is better than no one, but then when they start to want to get serious, I think oh no, I don’t want to settle for this…I know that sounds horrible. Sometimes I just think I haven’t met the right person. SOmetimes I think I’m skittish because I was married once and now I am divorced. Sometimes I think I don’t need or want a man because my only experience of living with one wasn’t so great. Some have said that I’m unrealistic—a romantic. OThers have said I haven’t grown up. One even said I was good at being a victim and not at being loved. Personally, I haven’t got a clue.

For the past 16 years of my life, I have loved the wrong men…I saw a psychologist a year ago indirectly through my son, and she did a little exercise with me…she said, “Write down at least three men you were head-over-heels in love with. Then take this list I’m going to give you and write down all the characteristics that describe each man.” I did as instructed. Then she told me to look at the common thread between the three. They were all the same man, and the man was my father. It wasn’t a hard pill to swallow. I already knew this. She ended our session by saying, “When true loves comes, you ain’t even going to know how to act. You won’t know what to do with yourself.” So after recovering from a failed marriage and beginning on a journey of a life time to understand and love myself…Love has come knocking at my door. And it’s unbelievable because the man has been a life-long friend. I would have never thought in a million years that love has been staring me in the face for most of my life. We pratically ran around in diapers… His mother and my mother are best friends. He has always been attracted to me, but I was always looking for the “bling” and the fast life. And to be honest he was just too slow. But now that he is back in my life, slow is good. And it’s a quiet strength that is quite alluring. I realized a year ago that I loved him. It’s new; but I know without a doubt that I want to spend my life with this man. He wants to love me and my son and take care of the both of us. And I wouldn’t have it any other way…now, I face the challenge of reversing the negative thought patterns that were once ingrained from past unhealthy realtionships. This is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been in in my life. This man is patient, he is kind, he is all about making me happy. For once instead of me loving someone down to their dirty undies…the shoe is finally on the other foot and I am loving every moment of it!

i’m not completely sure. maybe i am.

I have never felt love outside of immediate family love. Not romantic love or desire or even affection. I’m 34 y/o and I don’t know if I’m even capable of allowing a woman to love me. I think I am too immature and insecure to even deal with it. I think it’s largely due to the fact that I have severe trust issues. I don’t trust people in general. Especially women. They are very good as deceiving people’s emotions. Or maybe it’s just my paranoia. I dunno. I just don’t believe I will ever be loved by a woman whom I am in love with. One-sided love or affection is just creepy and annoying.