figure out what its all about

I’m never on here and I don’t know how I’ve kept 23 subscribers.

: P

I have really come a long way this past year or two. I really have no time to explain every single way that I have bettered myself, but believe me, it’s a lot. And it was worth it.

AND…

I’m moving to Alaska in a couple weeks!
I’m going to work with my cousin Max in Naknek/Bristol Bay. I know that the earliest I can come back to visit would be August or September, but I don’t know if I’d want to.

Anyway, the job is sealed, I have it, and I have the free housing, so that’s great. I’m excited.

It’s seriously an experience of a lifetime!
It might be the closest to Iceland as I can get. haha No, I’m not going to say that. I have plans. I will be able to pay off my debts in about a month or two (I’ll be making a lot up there), and one of them is to pay off my warrants, and after that then I’m getting my passport.
Russia is not that far away so I was thinking I’d go visit sometime.

But that’s down the road, maybe later this year or early next year and I don’t want to jump ahead of anything.

Anyway, I haven’t told anybody this. The only people that know are my dad and his girlfriend, and duh Max, but I don’t want to freak anybody out.

: /

Anyway, the job/season starts mid-July so I’ll be up there in a couple weeks.

Max is paying for my ticket to Seattle and the company is paying for my ticket from Seattle to Alaska, which is soooo nice. I love them for that.

: )

I used to watch his show a couple years ago, but I had to stop because it would hurt too much to hear the things that certain parents would do to his children.
I just caught a little bit of it… I wish I hadn’t seen it on.
I just don’t understand how a parent can do terrible things to their children. I don’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will.

Major 43T abadonment!

I wish I’d never deleted my greenlime account. That was a lot more meaningful.

It really, really got to me when I saw Jesse Jackson crying during Obama’s speech on November 4th.

Just when I thought I couldn’t cry any harder… it hit.

I never really knew exactly who he was, I just knew his name, face, and knew that he had things to do with politics.

I did some researching on Google, and I found out that he was right by MLK’s side when he was assassinated.

And I’ve been reading some things online saying mean things about why he was crying during Obama’s speech.

But I realized that he witnessed with his own eyes the killing of a powerful black leader, and witnessed with his own eyes the rise of another one to a position that the world thought they would not see any time soon.

So, I don’t know why people don’t like him, but whatever those reasons are I think they need to stop and think about the things that he has seen and been through before they say mean things about him like that, no matter what he has done to make them not like him in the first place.

My two cents.

I just figured out that I have been playing “Under the Bridge” wrong all of these years!

It’s only four notes, I just had it taken up one octave… but ah, it’s really strange… don’t know why I never caught it before!

: o

But I got it now!

Sounds a little better anyway.

But my way was a little easier.

I was on Stumble a couple minutes ago and came across a little headline from a friends’ blog that read something like “United States Treasury wants to borrow a record $550 billion dollars during the October-December period…”.

Then I remembered how I took a school trip to Washinton D.C. in the eigth grade and we visited the place where all of our money is made.

And I thought, if we need more money in this country, why can’t they make as much as they need, and then some?

Is there a certain amount that’s allowed to be made every day/week/month/year?

If someone has all of the avaliable resources to make something, and they need more of what they make, they should just make even more.

That is what I think.

I do not know why they just can’t order more money to be made.

Without being too specific, it really stinks when you think something is going one way with someone, but another thing is done or said and it turns out nothing was going anyway at all…

and you realize that you said all these stupid things when you should’ve just kept your mouth shut.
Or kept it simple.

But you had to go and complicate it all.

I seriously do not know where the line is when it comes to words.
Not about other people, definitely not, just about me.

And now I do not know what to do.

And this is making my heart beat fast.

I have a lot of thinking to do about this a lot to figure out, and I am prepared for it to take a long time and I am willing to do it.

It needs to be done.

Almost every single day between eight in the morning and noon, my heart will start to beat faster and I will start to get nervous for no reason, and my fingers will start shaking.

Nothing ever happens or is happening to make me nervous and start shaking, it just happens.

I want to figure out why.

It just started kind of recently, within the last month or so.

It scares me sometimes and I always feel like I have this huge fear of something but there is nothing to be afraid of.

I don’t know if this is some kind of after effect of being clean or what, but it’s been about three months so I don’t think that that is it.

But maybe?

I mean… going from six years to nothing is kind of big so I guess it could be?
I have no idea but I hope that it goes away soon.

It does feel exactly like it though, the comedown kind of.
So maybe it is.

I hope that I just figured this out.

I told my dad’s girlfriend about it a few weeks ago and that’s when she told me about her and meth.
It was kind of relieving for her to come out like that to about it so that’s neat.

I really really hope that I just figured this out, I am crossing my shaky fingers really really hard.
It’s better dealing with the crap and knowing what is causing it than thinking that there’s something else about you that needs straightening out.

Who knows.

I read an article on CNN a few days ago about how a lot of graves in Houston unfortunately came out of the ground during the hurricane.

I started thinking…

Okay, so there’s somewhere around six billion people in the world.
Give or take a few.

Where in the heck are all the graves?
I mean, there are billions of people, and where are all the graves from people that have lived before?
The millions of people who’ve died in the 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, before that, and so on?

I think that most of the houses, malls, stores and roads are over people’s graves!

If you think about all of these people and how few graveyards there are (I can only think of about five around here), that’s not nearly enough for all of the people who have died.

And what about all the people that died in the 1700’s, and in Columbus’ day?

WHERE ARE THEY??

You just know that when someone was drilling holes in the ground to build something, they came across some graves but just didn’t say anything, I bet!

And not just here in America, but all over the world!
China is so populated, and with all of that city they have going on I don’t know where all of their graves could be.

This is a very horrific thought!