date SMARTER

Seriously.

I made business cards for myself, and i am the proud owner of a stamp that i can use to stamp my name and email address on, so why haven’t i made myself some calling cards???? I’m finding more and more that my happenstance flings are not really romantic and i sort of struggle with being really cool when someone pops the: ‘so will i see you again’ question.

Last night was wonderful, met a guy at a bus stop and small talked for 45 minutes before the streetcar got there, and for another 15 while we rode together, and then decided to ‘make out at least’.

I was ALMOST cool. I said simply ‘well, i’m moving out of town anyway…’ Then, against my better judgement my weakness for new friends and extending my already stretchmarked social circuit somehow led me to pass the guy my business card.

SO UNCOOL.

It has my phone number AND the email address that i acutally USE on it.

I’ll be making new cards this weekend so to avoid both the akward moments and the appearance of an open invitation to hang out. As much fun as we had, I really don’t want to ever see that guy again.

I maybe i just need to ride this tidal wave of sexual libation until it subsides and my taste for misadventure is sated.

at the beach, laughing, talking nerdy and how i LOVE it when he talks nerdy having a light, friendly yet playfully flirty perfectly lovely time….

until the Tokyo girlfriend called him. twice.

sigh.

he didn’t think i could understand that conversation, but i could.

someone’s on quite the short leash, methinks.

All of this is confusing for me. I had the privilege of falling into my first two relationships. There was some courtship, but it seemed so easy and free once they knew I was interested.
Now that those relationships are over (and my last one was fantastic, but we wanted different things), I don’t know how to look around. I don’t go to a lot of events- not the kind you see the same people over and over again at. I don’t trust people who offer me a drink. I don’t trust online dating sites. I feel that right now I’m in a pseudo relationship with someone, but he still labels himself as single despite all that has gone on. What? No, really. What??
I just don’t understand it, but don’t want to stop simply because of that.
But how can you weed out the bad seeds who are looking to exploit you? Sociopaths can be quite charming. I don’t want that. I want connection. But trusting now… I’m not sure how to remedy it.

i helped sing “I’d Do Anything” by Simple Plan at karaoke, despite the fact that i hate that particular band.

and guess who saw me shivering in our conference room in the too-high aircon, and gave me his jacket to wear _{holy crap Y would’ve never done that for me}

and who e-mailed me not once, but TWICE while i was away in Hawaii.

hm….

My relationship is sort of on hiatus. I felt like I wasn’t being a good girlfriend to my boyfriend. Since the layoff, I’ve been really anxious and unhappy, and uncertain about everything in my world. As much as he’d like to help, I’m not able to take it in. And I feel like I’m being unkind to him, which isn’t helping either one of us any.

I posted a thread yesterday, and deleted it because it was talking about surface things I have doubts about regarding him, but I don’t think I was being very honest with myself about it. Basically, I’m just in a horrible mood all of the time, and want to be alone. I didn’t realize that losing a job would have such an impact on my psyche.

Although I do have some valid concerns about him and me, at this point it’s more about my general malaise, so I’m going to sit with it for awhile.

I practiced what it is I want to say to Mr. Man about us. The conclusion I came to was that we love differently. I don’t know that I would have discovered that until much later if I hadn’t moved. Then I wrote, “It’s too late.”

Talking to a mutual friend of ours last night, I heard about how he can’t imagine dating anyone else, how much he misses me, how other friends think he’s an idiot for not coming with me. Our friend said, “He’s just scared.” Okay. I understand that. Still.

It’s too late.

Bad News about Lefty Glasses: he has a girlfriend back in Tokyo. however, i was oddly not upset by this.
Good News about Lefty Glasses: he confessed to me today that he, unlike all the other recent hires here, have friends in the area and he doesn’t. and he asked (in a very roundabout way) if i could possibly take him out with my friends sometime so he can make some friends in the area who he doesn’t work with.
Better News About Lefty Glasses: now we’ll be hanging out in a pressure-free situation and if anyone has suspicions, i can play the “of course nothing’s going on, he has a girlfriend!” card. and if we get along that well, it’ll probably happen eventually. but i really don’t feel any kind of urgency at all. i’ll be completely happy with being friends if it’s only ever that.

still kind of like Yuta, but… i tried to tell him this and it didn’t quite work. i hate using the phone and have a weird fear of it. text messaging has to be the best invention ever.

ow.

No new event or crisis.

Just ow.

Things are shifting.

I’m angry sometimes.
I’m hurt sometimes.
But mostly,

just ow.

ow.

that i added ‘date smarter’ to my goal lists is that i was post recovery for a long winding breakup…
After a long winding relationship…
It boiled down to hard facts and after making them plain, it still took me a while to rectify my feelings for him so as to remain friends.

Basically;

I loved him.
He has hating himself and feeling unworthy because of his own particular baggage.
I tried to help him sort himself out, but my persistence caused us to fight and him to blame me for being neurotic and causing the trouble in our relationship.
At least now that we’re broken up, he is willing to listen to some of the suggestions i make, and to talk frankly with me.
If i can’t have both, i’d rather have his friendship than his love, any day.

Now i’m sort of quantifying all of the relationships i’ve been in and almost been in, and passed up. What was i thinking? What is it that i have been looking for in people.. Or maybe its that i haven’t been discerning enough? I think the culprit is the low self esteem that used to be a trademark.

I think when i used to date; i was ‘HONORED TO PARTICIPATE’ (because i felt so low that when someone was interested in me i was taken completely by surprise).

Now that i’m single in the world AND confident…I think my old ‘take what you can get’ tactics are getting in the way of my self respect.

‘Can i call you a cab’

But i wonder, is it really worth dating here, now, with two months on the shot clock.

Not that i don’t love having sex, but it all just seems so complicated all of a sudden.

I’m pretty busy right now.
I’m not NOT flirting, and i’m for sure going out…
I HAVE been practicing going out on my own, which for sure will be something that may come up in a city where i don’t know anyone. :) I’ve been meeting some cool folks, and having great conversations.

But it seems like to have sex right now for me has a bunch of potential side effects.

So i’ll lay low, as best i can for now.