forgive my father

I have no idea how to begin this letter. Even the salutation alone has cost me many minutes of strenuous thought. How do I start…”Dad, Dear Dad, Father, Mr. Williams, Sir, Mr. Calvin M. Williams, Calvin, Cal, followed by what? A colon, comma, an ellipsis?

I feel like I’m writing to a stranger…stranger to stranger. Like one of those assignments you get in 2nd grade where you write a letter describing yourself, your likes/dislikes, little description of yourself… seal the envelope, attach it to a balloon – color of your choice… then just let it go.. fly away.. desperately hoping, wishing, dreaming that it’ll reach someone interested enough to respond. But this time, when I let this go, seal the envelope, when I watch it go up into the sky until it practically disappears… disappears enough where it’s immersed into the clouds and my eyes are sore, so sore from tracing the balloon and staring into the glare of the sun until I have to turn away then look again and it’s gone… I know exactly where it’s going to end up. And I don’t want a response.

Can’t say you haven’t made me stronger by staying away… I know now what not to look for.

at least, find a trash can for my hate.

we’re actually able to talk, even on the phone now. it’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better than it ever has been before.

we’ve had a bad relationship ever since i can remember (going back to age 4-5) that involved verbal and physical abuse. it’s cool to know that there’s always a chance.

My relationship with my father has always been complicated by his illness, rheumatoid arthritis. He has a very bad case of the disease, and takes a lot of medication to deal with the pain. Intellectually, I know that it’s in large part the disease and medication that make him so hostile and controlling, but I have a hard time really accepting that. That was the excuse my mother gave me for his behavior all my life, and I got sick of it. Now that he is making a conscious effort to be a better father, I’m having a difficult time accepting that sometimes he really can’t help how he behaves.

i can honestly say that there isnt anything he could do to make me see him in any better of a light than i do now. i dont think he’s awesome and i dont look up to him. i dont want to spend tons of time with him but i dont get bitchy when ppl mention him. i dont think he wont help me or that he doesnt care. he tries and i know as hard as he tries now is gonna be the hardest he will ever try. and it’s satisfactory.

lets hope your father never disowns you via email.

I am really struggling with the emotions I have towards my father. It’s a combination of numbness, nauseating hatred and unwavering disappointment. I cannot live my life with these feelings inside me. I have tried to get them out and I only end up feeling worse. The only thing I can do at this point is try to forgive him. If not to his face, then in my heart. But he makes it so difficult because he thinks of no one but himself. I don’t know why I let him get to me. Part of me feels like if he passed away, I would be relieved and not at all sad. It makes me sick to think that I could even admit that about my own father. I can’t believe that there are 200 of us here. Makes me wonder if this is even a goal worth fighting for?

When I made this challenge to forgive my father I had no idea he had cancer. After finding out, it made even more sense and was imperative to do what had been so hard to accomplish. And funny how the face of death can make all other things seem so trivial. While he was on his death bed, I quietly sat next to him and prayed for God to give me the power to forgive him. I told him my dad I loved him as a confirmation of what I had done. It is the most precious and most important goal on my list that I have accomplished. RIP Carveth Scott “Pops” 8/30/07 I love you.

It doesn’t mean talking to him, now or ever or never, it just means that I forgive him for all he did or didn’t do—gets tiring carrying all that baggage. I had a moment of clarity in November and it all came together for me to set that part of him fre.

How do you forgive somebody when they don’t even realize that they did anything wrong? I want him to see that he has hurt me – physically and emotionally – so that I can forgive him. But in his twisted mind he was the perfect father. So how do I find forgiveness in my heart – for the one person I hate – when he is completely clueless? I’m sick of having this rage, I don’t want to feel this pain anymore, but I feel like I just can’t let it go until he sees what he did….
So dad, please tell me i’m not crazy, please tell me you know you were bad, please tell me you’re sorry, just please tell me I can let the past go and finally move on with my life....