stop thinking about "him"

1. Make a list of all the things he did to hurt you (Be very specific).
2. Write down everything he ever said.
3. Write down your responses
4. Write down what you wish you’d said or did
5. List the thoughts that keep rolling through your mind
6. Challenge each thought- Ask yourself, “Is this really really true?” Write your response
7. Imagine that thought erased from your mind. How would you act if you never had that thought? Imagine him standing in front of you, and imagine that the thought plaguing you just vanished in a puff of smoke
8. How do you feel now?
9. You should be free

it is hard to stop thinking about him when he is now back living in the same house as i am. only not in our bed but the guest room upstairs. SHIT!

thinking about him….dammit just when i seem to move forward i take a few steps back. i know i dont like what he has turned into so why??? why do i still care? i am miserable! i cry myself to sleep these past few nights…i want him in our bed with me..no sex…just to be next to me. am i a totally idiot? but it just pains me so much to know he is in our house..upstairs in a guest bedroom and im down here in the master. he says goodnight to me and kisses me….and in the morning he hugs me and kisses me good morning..what the fuck?

Now it’s even harder because he is back in the house….omg i thought id love this. i do not. his energy or lack there of is depressing. all i see are the things i really dislike about him. maybe it is my hp showing me to run…fast ….in the oppisite direction! i am happy with who i am becoming..but it is not coming from not working hard at it. he on the other hand just keeps getting heavier and avoiding himself. i feel sorry…i feel like i am leaving my best friend behind…a friend i don’t even understand anymore.

i try and i do ok during the day. its at nite when i try and fall asleep i cant stop thinking of him..what he is doing who he is with etc. i keep trying…its tough. i am sure he isnt thingking about me half as much…especially since he went to meet his internet girl…ick im discusted with him..he is a passive coward

i feel like the stupidest women on this planet. the way i have been treated and i still love this man. he went to meet the ‘other women’ that he met on the internet during the past few months of our rocky relationship. i knew this day was coming i just didnt want to beleive it. the thought of him being intimate with another makes me want to puke! he is a friggen loser and i just want to hate him….please let me hate him forever. i hate my life and i hate myself

Because it’s time to move on and also to meet other people

...Every thing just seemed so blurry and unclear… I thought if we met I will be Okay, but when I saw him wearing another girl’s ring in his finger… I felt so broken hearted that there were tears in my eyes, I know I kept it all this time for myself never showed my feelings, shall I let them out now?! I was looking at him speaking and I couldn’t hear a word, I was just starrin at his lips moving and I was like “God I Love You, I swear I do !”....

15 May 2007

Dear Diaries,
I met him yesterday as well, and nothing have changed, none of my feelings towards him have changed. I still love him, I love him even more. I tried to force my self and push myself to stop lovin him, but I couldn’t.. Dear diaries, he means a lot to me… I wish him the best of luck in his life, in his future.. with his wife.. with his kids.. with his family.. But that will never make my love less.. I will always keep him in my heart.
As usual I cried my heart out when I went back home. Hoping this time was the last to meet him, because its always tearing me apart.
I told him about my new love, not the whole truth of course.. I told him that the guy loves me so much, I lied when I said I love that guy too..
He was looking at me speaking and I can see pity in his eyes.. I don’t want anyone to pity me for God’s sake!!

He then started to tell me that this relation is impossible and that I need to reconsider… that I’m not going to be happy with that Palestinian guy, and that we will face lots of troubles together.. he didn’t know that that guy was my only way to run and hide.. he was the only possible way to try to forget him and get over him.. I was faking that wide smile on my face as usual, and I was laughing my fake loud laugh.. but I think it still shows, in front of him.. in front of everybody.. I was hiding it as much as I could.. my tears.. I don’t know what does he think now!! He started to speak and convince me that I am still young and pretty and I have my whole life still to fall in love again, he was asking me why I don’t like Egyptian guys they are cool, he was swallowing his saliva while talking to me. He was afraid I might get him wrong maybe.. I dunno? I just know I won’t get him wrong, I trusted that guy so much. if he wasn’t trustworthy why I would’ve fallen in love with him in the first place?! I know he is good, I know he is perfect, and no matter what, he loves the girl he had chosen and he wants to be with her.. he will never cheat on her.. I just hope she treats him the same way back, I hope so..
I know I’ve been.. I’ve been emotionally stupid.. so stupid and silly.. I never learn from my mistakes.. I always put my self in trouble… I’m such a Loser..
I don’t know why but, I want to impress him so bad, in our career together, I don’t know why but I wanna achieve fast progress in our business together. Maybe to satisfy my pride and achieve my goals.. or maybe because I really love him and I know that will make him happy and I want that thing to work so much only for him.. which is more sacrifice.. which is not bad at all, not bad at all to be in love even one sided love I can still find it amazing and glamorous.. Why not?! I mean Seriously ! why not? At least I am alive I have a beating heart, and I can feel and love with the highest meanings the word love could carry.. the purest meanings of love.. love for the sake of love.. for nothing in return.. not even for love in return.. just nothing at all.. and It still makes me feel happy and satisfied seeing the loved one happy even with a different girl.. I might be able to move on with my life.. actually I will move on, but that person will leave his own foot prints in my heart.. in my life.. I will not lose my smile and sense of humor, it could be the a way that will keep me up and alive through bad times.. I will love u forever, not for the end of time… but for always.. I still find u the most breathtaking guy I’ve ever met.. most loving and generous.. How could I ever forget u? and why? why would I forget such angelic person? I just love u, let me love u.. I want to love u.. don’t forbid me.. don’t prevent my heart from beating.. keep me alive.. keep me breathing.. Let me love u.. I’m not gonna even bother u.. I’m not gonna hurt u.. I will love u silently, I will enjoy my loud silence.. I will keep it within my soul no body will know I promise.. no body will know who u are.. I will hide it inside me.. I won’t even let u know.. u will never know I’m talking about u.. even if u’re reading this now, u won’t be able to figure out its actually talkin about u.. I won’t let u know and I’m happy that way..

Pathetic, isn't it?! My broken heart is yours dear.. all is urs..every little piece of it is urs..

It’s taken a long time, and I think I’ll always have some fond memories, but I can finally look at our pictures together without that desire to email him. This wasn’t anything I really worked at, but something that just came with the passage of the years….

I give up “trying Not to think about Him”.. its too hard cuz when I tell myself to just let it go.. I replay things in my head and I can’t stop.. I don’t even know if its over or what… I tell myself let it go.. just let it go… but theres this thing he has..and just the thought of him, his eyes, his lips, his taste.. it makes me hot… it overcomes me… and I get sooo lost into thoughts of things we did..said.. done.. ughhh… I miss him sooo much..