accept that I cannot change the past

This is so frustrating, I’m realising that I dwell on the past umpteen times a day, and am coming to the conclusion that it is one of the things that is causing my constant tiredness.

I am going to try noting every time I find myself going over incidents from the past, throughout one day, and see just how many times I do this.

It is so wearing, time consuming, emotionally damaging. I feel that bitterness I know is so unhealthy at the time of doing it, frustration at not being able to act differently towards whoever bullied me. There is absolutely nothing I gain from this damaging habit. At the very least, my goal now is to discover just how I can do this – stop dwelling on and feeling bitter about the past.

This may sound the same as ‘accept past decisions’, but to me it means the hurts from others, and the lack of opportunities. I feel such anger and regrettably bitterness (because it is damaging mentally and physically), so this is what I now mean by this goal. Being bitter and angry about incidents and hurts from years ago is so ridiculous – a word I seem to use a lot in reference to myself! It cannot possibly change events, it cannot change the person’s behaviour, it certainly does not make me feel good or fill me with joy and positivity! So while justified anger can be healthy, when expressed assertively and timely, I need to give up the irrational, illogical angry thoughts about the past, about people who have long, long left my life.

And certainly , without any doubt give up the bitterness, for it is only harmful. It has nothing positive about it at all, is only damaging. Why waste time with such ridiculous, literally time wasting, stress inducing, energy zapping thoughts when there are more enjoyable, fun things to fill my brain with? Ah, Bill Nighy, successful business, dating again, great body, documentaries – much more fun!

I have found that blogging things that upset, worry, infuriate me is an excellent way of stopping my mind from dwelling on those things. It would be wonderful if it works for regrets too! Am becoming so fed up with these swirling, stressful, energy sapping regrets. So here goes.

• Mismanagement of finances since moving here
• Renting rather than buying
• Not preparing for inspection better
• Staying in an unhappy marriage far too long.
• Not keeping in touch with friends, or being more confident about making new ones
• Not going straight to the Uni I am now at, & studying my current major from the first year
• Not telling my previous employers about the bullying
• Not pursuing a career earlier
• Not moving here sooner
• Allowing myself to be bullied by emotionally abusive ex (boyfriend), evil sister (no exaggeration), unkind niece (sadly influenced by evil sister)
• Not going to Uni when my family moved away when I was 18
• Not working on a kibbutz when young
• Not having the courage to leave my ex husband years before
• Not realising my sister was consciously manipulating and bullying me for years
• Allowing myself to become overweight – me! Who worried at 16 about being too thin!
• Not keeping in touch with the lovely Canadian men I’d been emailing

(Wow this feels good, getting it all off my chest! Should have done this years ago!)

• Not blogging my regrets until now (ok, joke one!)
• Buying a bloody stupid Mac through panic when our pc would have been fine for the Uni course and not getting Word so it’s frustrating to use – why do they stick things like columns and margins under obscure illogical headings?
• Not going to Italy with a couple of lovely people years ago (yep, my ‘let’s dwell on regrets’ times love to go right back in time!)
• Not going with my ex to Paris – Club class too! What a fool!

I know this is true…. and I accept where I am and what the life I have lived to get to this place. All my decisions good and bad… all the people who have come and gone.

I have heard that forgiveness means letting go of the past. So I let it go and accept my present, and my future.

Ok done! Now for some pizza. Woo hoo!! :-)

Realising the need to accept the past, rather than just trying to put it behind me, to forget it, is more likely to be achieved and more of a help to moving on positively than goals like ‘stop dwelling on the past’. Thoughts and regrets keep intruding into my mind every day, despite my best efforts, (although they are drastically reducing through blogging and quickly changing my thoughts to more constructive ones). Thinking ‘it doesn’t matter’, when dwelling yet again on ‘if only’ has helped me, and in the same way, accepting who I was then, what my circumstances were at that time, and why those decision were made is an extremely powerful tool to being positive and realistic about the past, and frees me from those dreaded circular thoughts that are an obstacle to building a fantastic future. This is the phrase I will try to remember when (alongside ‘it doesnt matter because…), “I accept my past”.

And look very much forwards with enthusiasm to my future!

I think that even though you can not change the past, you can always change the way you think about it :)