find my place

just not sure where I fit in anymore. or if i want to fit in.

Finding my place, what exactly does that mean? It means: finding the confidence and courage to do the things I’ve always wanted to do, putting myself out there, tuning into my spirit, discovering my course in life, living in the moment.

Right now, I seem to be offcourse. I have big ideas, but somehow life always happens. I always seem to get sidetracked with just living.

I know there is something greater out there, finding it is what I’m trying to do.

So what do I mean?

Well, I’m a 45 year old guy who lives in Yorkshire, England.

I’ve been many things (and still am many of these things) – a son, a nephew, a father, a husband, a home-owner, a dog-owner, an employee, a colleague, a friend, a lover, a fool, an optimist etc etc. I guess you get the point.

At some of these things I’ve been great – some not so great. But on several occasions as I’ve been about to drift off to sleep I’ve said to what I believe was God . . . “help me find my place”

In essence, I’m a good person. I live in a small cul-de-sac of 11 houses and my ex-wife and son are 4 doors away. We all get on great and have keys to each others homes. I’ll always help someone out if asked and love to make others happy.

But; I really do have an overwhelming sense of needing to find my place. What have I been put on this earth to do? or to be?

Will I be where I should be when I meet the female half of my equation? Will it be when I emigrate to Australia in 6 years when my son is 18? Should I change my job even though I love it? Should I get another puppy to replace the wonderful dog I had that died last week?

What ??

I have started at 251. Never before have I weighed this much. I hate myself and it affects those around me. I have to do this to save my life and make me stronger.

My place is where I am.

i’ve found it. my place is with my husband, his love makes me feel safe and warm.

So by this I don’t mean a house, I mean a state of mind. For someone who has crossed 3500 miles of the earth following this dream and is about to cross another 1800 miles, I’m still searching. But I know it exists I’m just not sure where, and maybe one day when I find it I’ll stop moving.

There is none. Because I’m in the heart of no one.

I have the feeling, after what I lived yesterday, that emotionally unstable and visionary can’t never really find their place, but with people. So that doesn’t include any material place, any real home, because their home is in the heart of others.

It’s hard to realize that I’m just nothing to no one, and that I belong nowhere. I’m the last on the list. When will it stop? Whatever I cand do, try to find a contact with you, dad or whomever, try to talk to my love, try to find a job, try to be better with my friends. I count for on one. And it’s harder every moment now because I don’t know where to find the strenght to believe. I’m not the universal love, I’m only one woman, and I need a minimum of attention, respect and warmth to feel safe and trust. In spite of what I’ve given, the patience, tolerance, love, I’ve always been used, abused, cheated, betrayed, deceived, the furniture, the thing. What can I do that I haven’t already done? I don’t wanna become somebody mean. So what can I do?