It is still hard to see him. I still feel love for him. But the pain is gone. My heart feels light. And I accept that I have hope. Hope that he would have changed and everything would suddenly be totally different. My brain tells me that he have mis-used my trust, so I would have problems to trust him. Trust is a platform, a strong basement, where you can built a relationship on. Without that platform it is like to build a skyscraper on beach-sand…it would fail… anyway I accept my hope, although it is unlogical. I learned that I do not need him to be happy and to have a happy life. Before I thought, I would never be really happy again. Now I see that it is a choice. It is my choice if I am happy or not. He can do whatever he wants, and I can choose how to react on it. I choose on what to focus. There are so many good things which give me joy and pleasure. 14 months ago
How I did it: First, without my good friends, it would have been impossible. I am really rich to have such friends. So the first month I was only talking about my pain. Then I began to focus on myself. I changed my look, so that I feel really beautyful. I began to do sport in order to produce endorphines. In addition to dancing I began with yoga.It makes fun, but also it helps to forgive and to open my heart again. And last but not least, I began to talk nice to myself. I realizied that it is my own thoughts, which hurt me. So I gave myself compliments and encouraged me to move on. I began to be patient with myself. Unpatience is only resistance against change. I am not searching for a new partner, I wait until the time is right. I enjoy to live alone. I learned to let go. I learned to trust myself, that I will do the right thing to enable a fantastic life for me, because I love myself. It is me alone who gives me the space and time to make my dreams come true. Read how I did it… 14 months ago
I have given him free yesterday. It was hard, but doesnt matter, I managed: I let go of my pain. I just made a decision.
It was new moon, at the perfect timing. And I imagined I would take the pain out of my heart and set it free to the sky. It was like a dark black cloud, then it was dark grey, later grey and then like light grey smoke. Of course only in my imagination not in reality ;) However it helped! My heart feels light and white. I was thinking, I do not need this pain anymore. Real love is not painful. Real love is the desire that the other person has it god, not to control the other nor hold him. I let him free with love. I wish him to have a happy life and that he can forfill his dreams. I will trust in my destiny. I will wait patiently until my time comes to start maybe a new relationship again. If it is ment that I should live alone, I will accept it. I have so much to give to myself, so much to see, so much new to learn. I will make myself a good life. I stop to believe that love is related to pain. Real love has nothing to do with pain. Pain comes from fear and fear comes from the mind, it is in the future or the past. Therefor it helps me that I try to live in the “NOW”. I can release my fear and therefor my pain.
I am curious, how I will feel about this in 2 weeks (before I set this goal as reached) ...lets see…
For now, I feel no pain in my heart… I feel an excitment instead, a self-love, a promise to take care of myself, a deep respect for my own sensitivity and also strength, a tenderness and a curiousity :-) 14 months ago
Why its so hard to let go? This is a meaning of life, I know it, but I can not accept it. It seems it is even harder to let go of unhealthy things. I can remember it was hard for me to give up smoking…I suffered 3 weeks, and now I think it is the best thing I ever did. I feel free. I also want to let go my pain in my heart. It seems I try to holdthe past…even that I know it will never come back. He is not the same anymore and I changed as well. It is over. I hold fast a dream, a moment, a wish. I use it like a weight preventing me from flying into my bright future. I was years searching for him, and he was searching for me…finally we found each other and we were so happy. And then we discovered it did not work out. We had the same dreams, but different ego’s. Different lifes, different expectations. So it is. Although the strong feelings are still there, they are not of use. For non of us. I wanted to hold him, and my fear to loose him made me blind. Love means to let free. I could not. And so it is my hardest lessons… to let go….give him free, and to make myself free from any desire, dream, wish and expectation …and pain. I feel the pain in my heart, as if my heart would have edges…from steal …and it is hard to breath…and my heart is heavy like 12kg. How should I fly with such a heart? It was never like this before. Before I met him…why can I not just leave the pain behind? 15 months ago
It is still hard to see him. It is even harder to talk to him, and I avoid it, because I do not want to lie. But it is really helpful that I feel good about myself and that I live a good life. First I thought it would not be possible, because I wanted to share my life with all its pleasure with him. To imagine a life without him seemed impossible. I thought my life would be grey without him. Now I see that he became really grey and I “bloomed up”. This is somehow strange, because it was him who suddenly (from my perspective) broke up. Maybe it is, because I let him free. He will always have a place in my heart, and my love is like an ocean and he is an island. What concerns me is that I see that he is not happy at all. It is really like a shadow hanging over him… And he said he did a big mistake, and he said sometimes you know only what you had if you lost it…So I have still hope and leave the door open (to maybe start the relationship again). But I (in fact my brain, not my heart), like to close the door, because I can not trust him anymore and I lost my faith. On the other side I would like to be so strong, that I don’t care anymore if the door is open or closed. I would like to leave it up to the destiny. I would like to live in the NOW. And to use new chances. But I still live in the past, I remember the nice things, what he said, what we did, I still talk with him in my mind, I see his eyes, I dream of him… On the other side I live in the future, dream about how it would be, if we would be together again, and that he would change and I would change…and by all this dreaming I run away from the NOW…It helps me to do all the sport, and to focus at my work. Then I have to focus on the NOW and these are the moments where I am not thinking of him and where I can relax and actually enjoy my life. 15 months ago
Compared to how I felt 3 month ago, I achieved a lot already. The first thing was to look in the mirror and to like myself. The second important thing was to talk to my friends. I feel so rich, that I have such good friends. The third important things was that I have started again the habbit to find 10 things for which I am really thankful for, before I went to sleep each day. And last but not least, I have concentrated myself to “cleansweep my life” and to reach more points. I do regulary fitness now, and do Zumba and Pulsstep which is a lot of fun. I have now my hair excactly how I want it… and so on. The pain in my heart is still there, although I feel deeply satisfied about my achievements and myself. But I want to keep going on, and I am willingly to find out how I can heal myself. To “cleansweep my life” is like a good basis and strong fundamend on which I can start to build. The heart pain comes like a strong wave…suddenly….but I can stand it out more or less, because of my nice fundament :-) 15 months ago