see a shrink.

Since I started seeing my shrink, I no longer keep myself awake at night with worries. I just think, I’ll vent to her about these worries at my next appointment.

So, I’m actually falling to sleep at night, without sleeping pills. Pretty cool, huh?

I saw my new shrink, and she seems really great. She wants me to try this eye movement therapy thing, to help resolve traumas that have kept me from driving. From my understanding, it’s kind of like simulating a waking dream, and is supposed to help me access where my mind is stuck on traumatic experiences… I said, that sounds really experimental and weird, and I’ll do it! So, I made it into another goal.

I like this lady for a few reasons.

1. She was already familiar with my mom’s illness, and I didn’t have to explain to her about what it means when someone has survived polio.

2. She never once told me I was not allowed to use the word “crazy”. I’m allowed to say whatever I want.

3. She never once told me I needed to learn to understand my dad’s feelings. Oh, sweet relief!

They say that in speed dating, you get a feeling of whether or not you like the person you meet with in about three seconds. I think it’s about the same with therapists. I have a pretty good feeling about this one, and I hope my instincts are right.

I literally ran into a doorway the other day. I just got very anxious and was getting out of the room, and ran into a freaking doorway with my arm. It left a huge bruise. I looks like someone punched me in the arm.

I’m an absolute pro at these types of injuries. I once had this terrible dream that I had run into a table and injured myself the day before a doctor’s appointment. Then, in this dream, I went to the doctor who saw the bruises, and accused my husband of beating me.

And then I said, “No, you don’t understand! I ran into a table!”

Which is exactly what I feel like is going to happen on Monday, except I’ll say, “No, I really did run into a doorway… fast and hard, for no discernable reason… I was home alone!”

Maybe I should tell her I was rock climbing…

and emailed a psychologist today. I had been hoping for a psychiatrist that would do intigrated therapy, but I was having the worst time reaching anyone I tried to call. Finally I found this psychologist who had an email address listed, and a message that said, “Don’t be afraid to ask anything you need to!”

So… I did.

I said I need someone to help me overcome anxiety and phobias, and that some grief couseling would be a big help, too.

Now just waiting for a response.

I have persistent anxiety, so I guess one could say I have an anxiety disorder, although I hate disorder labels.

Anyway, I was reading about these things, and it (the all knowing interwebz) says that an anxiety disorder is marked not only by anxiety (I mean, duh) but also insomnia, fatigue, and depression. I thought, Hey! I’ve got all of those!

Maybe I shouldn’t look at this stuff, because it’s bad to self-diagnose. I hate the thought of personality altering medications, but I started to think, could taking something make me be able to sleep at night, give me energy during the day, and maybe control heart palpitations, dizziness, and other physical symptoms associated with anxiety disorder? A lot of these cleared up when I went gluten free, but some are still lingering – the worst of them being my inability to either rest fully, or stay fully awake.

I have been to a neurologist, and she said I seemed to be having anxiety issues as opposed to neurological, but I have been in fear of visiting a shrink of any kind! When I tried before, I had problems getting a hold of the doctor, and ended up giving up right away.

What are my fears, you ask? (You asked, didn’t you???)

1. That the person I see won’t understand me or want to listen to me.

2. That I will end up taking some kind of drug that will have a negative effect on me.

3. That I will end up taking some kind of drug that will help me, but then I will rely on it forever.

Well, there’s what my soul looks like.

Internet, Soul. Soul, Internet. The pleasure is all mine.

ha. now I know who Raymond Kertezc is.

I have a bit of a phone phobia… I hate making phone calls.

_{(Although I was not lying to my client from 43T who I made a logo for, when I said that I could not talk because I had laryngitis. In fact, I actually did… I would have called, or accepted a call otherwise, because I do strive to deal with my dislike for phones.)}

So… it’s a little odd that I bear myself so openly on 43T, and at the same time have potential clients on here that are going to see how I am nutty… but it is what it is.

Anyway, point being, I don’t like making phone calls because I have anxiety about it, and I need help dealing with anxiety, so I’ve been sucking it up and making phone calls to this nearby doctor. Only, she apparently does not have a very good answering service, because I never get a call back. So, I have to keep making phone calls, which has my nerves completely frayed. Oh, the irony!

Time to switch to another doctor – preferably one who answers their frikkin’ calls!

Then again, I am sick of anxiety, and I’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to help. And depression from nowhere.

This was going on before my mom died, but now I have to deal with that pain, plus the stress of planning a wedding, and I already wasn’t very functional. So, D gets worried about me and asks me to see someone about it. Maybe they can help me. He can comfort me when I have panic attacks, or cry myself to sleep at night, but he’s not equipped to really help me.

I told him, “I hate shrinks. They are usually crazier than me.”

But then I remembered that my best friend is a psycologist, and she’s level headed, and a lovely person. So, there are good ones out there. I just hate not knowing what to expect.

kept accusing me of stuff, every week it was something different. one week i’d be this sad abused child she had to save, the next i’d be this drug addict she’d have to set straight, and the last week we were to do workbooks.

i dont know where this shrink got her wild ideas from. but i guess that’s what happens when you go there involuntarily. treacherous lying theives. they lie to you and they make you feel like crap.

to talk to a friend, someone who actually cares and isnt sitting there getting paid like whores to nod and go mmhmm

didn’t need a long session – it was – you’re coping ok, you have all the tools you need, it will all be fine. That’s good then. Though I’m kind of glad I didn’t have to pay for it.