I’m not sure where I got the idea that I’d be on a three-year plan; lately it seems I ought to be on the thousand-year plan. I still have the hardest time trusting people and now that’s been exacerbated by self-doubt.
She told me I’d have to fix this. 4 years ago
I’m on the three-year plan for this goal, with hopes to gradually unlearn all those nasty maladaptive behaviors. It feels like an impossible goal at times, especially when I have periodic (albeit infrequent and irregular) contact with my former guardians. My focus is going to be on me, instead of them. What I want to be doing is waking up every morning, dropping to my knees, and thanking the heavens that I don’t have to live in a crazy house anymore. My days are now filled with a happy puppy, friends, a great Jeep, hockey, and beautiful Florida days and nights. Perhaps I will not ever forget but perhaps I can forgive, and not allow the events of two decades ago affect my life anymore. 5 years ago
However much you want it to be irrelevant – it never leaves you. So having had an unhappy childhood makes me feel kind of marked for life. Rejection by my mother and bullying by my stepfather has altered the person I could have been, wrecked my self-esteem, and I resent that, and I resent having to struggle all the time with the effects (now useless, but unfortunately entrenched) of their behaviour. I’d like to be able to go back and click off a switch so it didn’t matter ay more. I try to put it right by being loving and nurturing with my own kids. 6 years ago
My mom was a pill popping, alcoholic. Now, my mom probably wasn’t the worst mom, but she is definitely in the top 50. This was in the days that people didn’t talk about this stuff. It was something you just tried to keep secret. My earliest memories are about her drunk and stupid. She was a bad drunk too. The kind that was always looking for a fight. I remember being six years old, and trying to keep her in control at 5:00am.
So, here I am at the age of 45, and still haunted by this crap! I still get panic attacks all the time! 7 years ago