observe the anniversary of my father's death

October has always been my favorite month. Somehow it still is even though last October the worst thing I’ve ever faced happened. The anniversary of my father’s death is the 25th of this month. Due to irreversible things I cannot go to his gravesite and am worried about how I should exactly go about remembering him on this day. I think of him everyday though I try not to dwell on things for to long. I know I can’t greave the rest of my life away. I know he never would have wanted that for me. I thought about doing the things we used to do together. Whatever I do I want it to be right. I’d like to do what he would have wanted me to.

I’ve done this, properly.

It feels a little somber, but it feels right. It takes forever to learn anything, how to deal with any occurance. Deal better, deal more, go further in, and after, come further out.

But it can happen. We can grow.

...to the cemetary successfully last night. Placed flowers and burnt offering…

I’m not declaring this done yet, though, as I have pictures to post tonight, and I want to savor it a little. Having my wife go with me was more crutial for me, for her, that I origianlly thought, and as I told her last night, “it will be more important tomorrow and days after, that we came here today, than it is now.”

And so it is. I have more to say that I don’t know how to say.

Layers of newer happiness on an old sadness.

I guess I’m walking around with my grim face on today. That’s the idea I’m getting from those around me. I put on the chrisp white shirt and tie this morning that perhaps lends to that as well.

I don’t have a problem with it, in fact, for me it’s appropriate, and means this goal is going well. I haven’t thought this much about Dad and today and everything for some time, especailly on this day. It seems as though this is the way it needs to be, so all is as it should be.

This is what I need to do, what I need to think, and dwell on.

...by skipping her Tuesday night class.

This changes the tone of things a bit, but I think it will be better than me ‘going it alone’ as I do in most things emotional, and good to allow her ‘to be there’ for me, which I often shrug off as not being that important or crutial.

Yeah, I know. It is important…

...that I wore black on Valentine’s Day because I think it’s a crap holiday. I do, so I didn’t bother to tell them that it was also the day that Dad died.

It’s been 13 years? Forever, sometimes it seems.

I’ve visited his grave, placed flowers, etc., but never on Valentine’s Day before. This was due to some base desire to try to make it a happy, romantic day, fulfilling what I thought others wanted, or because I was working bitch retail hours. Either reason is a cop-out.

This year will be the first. Next Tuesday, I’m going to drive for an hour or two, or however long it takes me to get there in evening traffic, and I’m going to stand out in the cold, probably having to pee, and I’m going to say some words, and it’s going to be therapeutic and healthy, dammit.