get it together

i hate to say i’ve been a freedom whore, but i have. I allow myself so much lax on everything, as if someone is governing me. I realize these thoughts are from my childhood, but i can’t detach. I think about other artist’s that didn’t have to worry about family or didn’t have the pressures of family. I don’t want to care what they think, but it’s hard not to.

I’ve made changes in the past that they’ve dealt with, better than i thought. I know i need to overcome this fear of disapproval. I’m getting older and the excitement of rebellion isn’t what it used to be. afterall i don’t want to hurt my family, but i don’t agree with their lifestyles…and projected lifestyle judgements. I feel sorda stuck.

I don’t like being late, disorganized or feeling stressed out but it is quite often a struggle to be on time, remain organized and prevent stress.
I think my main problem with being late is getting started or continuing a project past when I should have started getting ready. I know I should get ready first and then continue whatever I was working on if time is left. I simply need to take what I know is true and actually DO it. It seems so juvenile, but I didn’t learn these skills growing up.

My disorganization happens usually as a slow progression. I just need to make sure that I maintain order. In addition to maintaining order on a daily basis, I think it will help to go through my papers, clothes and any other items in need of organization and make sure that everything is in the best place it can be in terms of organization.

Preventing stress is a difficult one for me. It kinda seems to sneak up. I think that by working on the two tasks of organization and time-management I will be much less stressed.

Ok, so I solved the career thing, and my job doesn’t suck. Time to fix everything else.

I think I’ve finally worked things out, I have a plan for next year (which is better than ideas and whims), I know what I want more than I did before. I know what mistakes I’ve made, and I’m hopingnot to repeat them. I think it’s good, I think it’s going to be good.

Finally, I got into the walk-in clinic today. $65.00 to see the Dr., then $138 dollars at the pharmacy to get my meds (and I only had it HALF filled, because of the price!). I’ve gotta get a better job that offers insurance. Besides the expense, it’s just tedious and complicated when I’m trying to either take my brother’s unused Zoloft, get into the Indian Clinic (an hour and a half drive away) to get a free consult and then pay full price for the meds anyway since they don’t offer Zoloft for free, or see a doctor here (I don’t really have one) and do what I did today.

do laundry

fold and put away laundry

sort summer clothes to put away (this always seems to make the hot weather return)

grocery shop

make (and drink)smoothies every morning

resume running schedule

make lunches for following day

drink lots of water (no more pop, shakes, lime-aids, etc)

green tea daily

supplements and Zoloft daily

smaller meals

more fruits and veggies

no eating after 8pm

go to the damn gym!

organize and put away crap where it belongs (at home and school)

BUY A PRINTER!

choose outfits for AT LEAST a few days ahead

have one emergency outfit (simple dress) to wear when I oversleep

Eat flaxseed or take flax supplements daily

use my new pill minder

call my mom and my little sister (both of whom I’ve neglected lately)

Have friends over to catch up

Spend time alone with hubby

edited to add

set coffee pot timer the night before

clean out my “travel” purse and swap for smaller, regular one

hook cell phone up each night

sleep in running clothes if I plan a very early run

set up blender for next morning, night before

I am working on improving several areas of my life. My health, my career and my emotional well being.
I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’m entirely together, but as long as I’m making progress and feeling happy I’ll consider this one done.

Every time I look at this entry it means something different to me. It depends on my current weak point. Right now I think it has to do with body image. I’m really struggling with my perception of myself. I have lost a fair bit of weight, but I still feel as if I look as heavy as before.

sometimes it takes something really bad to happen in your life so you open your eyes to new things and new people. But when you finally do, you come to notice that everything will work it self out. the only thing you have to keep in mind is not to fall apart because eventually everything will pass or if not it will get better.

I think I’m actually doing quite well with this one.
I’m getting healthier. I’m dressing more stylishly. I have a better sense of direction with my career and life in general.
Its all good.