I just spent about a half hour looking at self-help sites to see if anything could move me because I was feeling so down about myself. There were a few things that struck me really. One thing in particular was on one site about women in hollywood and how they succeeded. One of the lines said “Don’t wait for someone else to give you an opportunity to prove yourself”. Wow. I really thought about this one because that is exactly what i do.
I have a lot of talent in different areas but its like i never make the best of those things because I am in a cycle of waiting for someone to just discover my potential or "see the good in me" and do something for me, but thats not how this whole game works now is it? This has gone to the point of me wanting to perform in front of people so that they are impressed. Just so that I can feel better about myself because other people are liking and approving of what I am doing.
It all sounds really silly when I think about it actually. At night I’ll stand next to my bed with the lights off and pretend im singing in front of an audience of people ive always wanted approval from. That is where I am seeing im having a major hang up. Everything that I do is always for someone else. Im seeking someone elses approval, or I want someone to congratulate me on being the best at something or being impressive. Thats dumb. Right now Im asking myself, why do I need the approval of others so much? Why does it even make a difference? I thought up an answer—because I want them to like me and see how great I am, but the thing is, if they are going to see that, it should be rather apparent in our first meeting. Why try to live up to someone elses expectations instead of focusing on the expectations you have for yourself? You have your own mind and thoughts and you sure as hell dont need to borrow someone elses because you have thoughts to last a lifetime.
I cant believe this is all clicking now and it actually is making sense. I feel like I have always been trying to please someone else whether that be parents, parents of friends, my teachers, a random instructor, a girl thats good at something. Its always been something. Ive always tried to be the person I thought would look good in someone elses eyes, when all that matters is whether or not I feel good about myself…You know, I know im good at a lot of things but that somehow got all twisted simply because I let someones opinion stop me from believing something I already had full belief of. For instance i know im very good at drawing, but in high school i told myself, oh i cant apply for art school because all those people in there are better than me, im not going to be good enough for the teacher, shes probably going to tell me its impossible etc etc like my god woman, im thinking about all of this and how ridiculous does it sound now! So what if that teacher didnt think I could do it, it is just a thought of hers but not one of mine so why not just try to accomplish goals i set for myself.
right now I really want to learn to sew. Im really having a difficult time. Now, this is not because I dont think i can do it, its simply because I am so concerned with what other people will think of my behavior what im doing etc. when in reality this is life and im in it and i was born with my own thoughts and feelings so its impossible to go off of someone elses. Your body tells you when youre hungry for example, no one else can tell you that because they dont have that power. when applied to everything I just said, no one should be able to stop me because they cant tell me what I already know. lol! its such a funny thought. But for instance if i look all around the store when i shop, no one will know that ill leave there with only a blue and black hat or something. these things are just not known and not meant for others to know.
no one is psychic and even if they were they need to focus on their own thoughts. all psychics do is tell you your own thoughts, never take them as their own. So when someone says hey, youre horrible at sewing youll never be able to do it because youre not good enough. I can say well since youre not a psychic you can go ahead and shut up because you dont know what i think for one thing, and you also are not going to determine how my life goes because you cant. You arent god, you arent the maker of the universe so how can you sit around and tell people what they can and cant do, and what they are going to accomplish. Who bestowed you with special powers to see inside of me and tell me who i am without me telling you first. Ah HA! So the whole moral of this i suppose is to live for yourself, trust yourself, dont listen to other people who think they know it all cuz thats seriously impossible. Im thinking about the girl in my class who always comments on my lateness when i come to class. Well guess what? we are two different people from two different backgrounds, we were born with different thoughts, we think different things about ourselves, whats good enough for one person may not be good enough for the other, but why should that matter?
If you feel like you are a good person and youre doing enough to satisfy your needs and wants, what place does other peoples opinion have? all you can do is be you and love it. Next time someone i care about says im not sure if you can do it or I dont think you can do that, im going to say…what am i going to say? Im going to say why not? and when they give their response which might be like youre not smart, you dont have enough drive etc im going to say well its funny because you didnt create me so you dont know what im capable of doing. Also, i dont have to check in with anyone to make sure im living my life the right way. Life was given to me. I can do whatever I want with it when I want to. Im thinking of all the negative scenarios so that i know how to respond to them. hey youre not that great at drawing. Yes I am good at drawing actually i always have been and i know i have talent so thank you for your thoughts.
i dont think youll be famous or well known. the problem is that you said you dont think which implies that youre not sure and youre not sure because you cant predict what happens in the lives of others just like you cant accurately predict what will happen in your own. When you say this everything seems to make sense. Bottom line no one knows whats going to happen, but all you can do is focus on your goals, what you want to do and know that the way you react to things is totally up to you. When youre given a task, why not just do it? Whos to tell you that you cant? They may think you cant because they couldnt but that is not something of your concern they didnt have the confidence to get through what they were supposed to do but that has no impact on what youre going to do. Stay positive and think about all the things you want. They are possible. There is no room to fail if you are happy with the effort you have put in. Even if you fail, you did what was in your power and what was ok for you. if you arent pleased with your results, learn from them, but dont let other people try to tell you what they know about you because they arent you so its impossible to know what you think and feel. you can determine your own destiny. it is true!
