Ils s’en foutent! Je ne vais pas bien. Mes amis m’aiment parce que je fais attention à eux! Mais moi, je crois rentrer dans ma troisième dépression en 5ans. J’ai pas le gout. Mais tous ceux à qui je parle disparaissent. Calvert, j’en parle à Internet maintenant, et seulement parce que j’ai bu; comme à chaque soir. Je n’en peux plus. Mais j’aime trop la vie pour faire quelque chose de con. Mais comme personne ne le vois, je vais vous parler à vous. Je suis en amour avec la vie, même si elle ne m’encourage pas. 2 days ago
!
(though not sure “why;” maybe I do, but may be too personal – or too ‘damaging’ to a social ego.)
☺ 7.45 5 days ago
It is a bit of a long story so I’ll skip most of it, but I decided it had come time to stand up for myself with a “friend” (former boyfriend, actually) that I still go rock climbing with frequently. He had said and done some things more recently that made me feel like we weren’t quite on the same page anymore. One time even saying something in front of a group of people during a climbing training that left me completely humiliated. I sent him an email last night letting him know my feelings, even proofreading it many times to make sure I was communicating clearly and pleasantly, but he still took it the wrong way and lashed out at me in return. So I told him this morning that I was ending our relationship entirely since this had confirmed my feelings that we weren’t in sync at all and also because he had reacted childishly instead of communicating like an adult.
I think this was a long time coming anyway and I’m happy to have freed myself from a relationship that wasn’t a positive force in my life. Normally having a confrontation like that would’ve sent me into retreat, second guessing myself, but I think it is a major sign of growth for me that I am standing my ground about how I feel and what I need. It is still unfortunate that he handled it the way he did, but I know now that this actually says something about him, not about me.
On a side note, something I found particularly humorous about this situation is that he told me that I have issues and something is wrong with me. When in fact I am making progress on fixing my issues and that is why I was able to stand up for myself! I also think it says something about what his issues are :) 3 weeks ago
☺ 7.35
May explain later…
. 3 weeks ago
Pacman scores like 10,910 & below are a real drag on the old ego, (can’t make it to level 2?! AHHHHHHH! “This sucks buttermilk!!).
Fortunately, I had thoughts such as: I must be getting better (can’t get much worse) bc I’m practicing, & that usually helps, and after several a dozen or so severe losses, I happened to think, hey I’m getting down on myself, maybe there are some optimistic thoughts this is all fodder for.
I also happened to think: Hey I’ve been thinking this is, (supposedly), an easy game; it is a simple game – maybe deceptively simple! Maybe this shouldn’t be easy, and I’m going to have to trudge through & past my lazy thoughts & assumptions, dang-it!
And some of the web pages have a version that only shows your final score for, like, ½ a second – which forced me to not scream and pound on the desk so I could mentally note the score before it disappeared; which gave me a second to think about a better mental reaction as well; (sometimes, (*&#&#%#!!).
...and getting caught before catching any ghosts!! ugh
Galaga – that was the game! Once you had a double-ship, you could virtually obliterate the aliens before they could even set-up and attack!
. 1 month ago
compared to how it felt waking up a couple times last week, it felt like a too-heavy blanket was no longer over me.
I immediately noted that sometimes it’s not there; it’s not ever-present.
☺
. 1 month ago
My strength is limitless
My power knows no bounds
It flows through my veins
the rivers of my maker
Through his grace, mercy and omnipotence
Shall I over this sickness
and weakness will not be my heart.
I will transcend my flawed human nature
Purging till my soul is perfect
The infinite blinding light
inside me.
Amen 1 month ago
We’ll bump it up to 7.2
☺
(This should’ve been done last night, but I was elsewhere, & tired.)
[Note: the 6.99 on the last one… don’t look into it too far… these things just happen. (Even around multiple chicks.)]
Edit: now a 7.25
. 1 month ago
(Or something like that.)
Saw part of a PBS show – I thought it was like a judge starting a alternative school. I think that was what he said in the previews.
Anyway. it kind of dings a bell, thinking, “if they don’t matter… if they don’t matter… if they don’t matter;” several times throughout the day. I look around, and remember, and rearrange puzzle pieces, I think I can see things a little clearer, seeing how people may not think they really matter – (and not just the trouble-makers).
. 1 month ago
Lakota Prayer 2 months ago
I was laying in bed feeling depressed this morning, (3 P.M.), and I remembered that most people who feel depressed are most depressed in bed, waiting to start the day. So I said to myself, “Self, get thee out of bed.” ☺
So I got in the shower, remembered my dream of fighting-off an army of Buddhist monks, (the four-year olds “weren’t so tough.”)
I even kept in mind my deep thoughts from the night before; trying hard to get to sleep, and trying desperately to figure out the whole Universe-thing; on the edge of sleep, I got the distinct sensation that I was the framework for several different empty people.
Then when I got out of the shower and got into the kitchen, my left-over pizza turned-out the perfect temperature & smelled great. I even thought-up one of my top-ten funniest jokes✧ – “Man, it’s gotta be hard being a Jewish prophet – make one mistake and they’ll kill ya! Heck, they’ll even kill you if you’re right!
{Jesus}
✧[part of one of my other top-tens ended up on James Belushi’s show ☹ (but not the best part of that joke!☺)]
Edits:
First: WOW! six cheers (in a row)! Thank you, guys!
Second: “I was the framework for several different empty people.” Might have been “I was the empty framework for several different people.” (Still a strange feeling.)
. 2 months ago
This last week has been a test for me in terms of trusting my own judgement. And I have to say I haven’t come out the other side feeling very certain. In fact I still feel quite stuck in the middle looking at both sides of the fence not knowing which is greener. Relationships have never been a strong point of mine. I could blame it on a lot of things. Mostly I think I didn’t grow up with good relationship modeling and it has left me grasping at straws trying to figure things out myself. My parents, while I love them both very much, were not good communicators. And who else do you learn the most from?
Almost a month ago a good friend of mine introduced me to someone who he thought I would like. And I did like him! We all hung out together a few times and then after that this guy asked me to go out, just the two of us. We had a great time, we talked for hours and we have so much in common. We went out again the next day, same thing. And then went out a third time a week later. Which is where things took a turn. We had a fantastic time again, but haven’t really talked since then (about a week and a half). I found out from the friend who introduced us that this guy ended a long term relationship at the end of last year. My friend was very apologetic because he didn’t know it was so recent. So here’s where this starts to apply to this goal. I don’t really trust my own judgement on how to proceed. There are so many other details that accompany this story and it would be a novel to explain them all. But basically, this guy is a bit shy and obviously still figuring out the end of his last relationship. That can be a hairy situation. But I do like him, I enjoy his company, and I’m not looking to get seriously involved with someone right now. He had told my friend that we was excited to get to know me better and I feel the same. I hate the thought of writing off someone that I get along with so well because I’m making assumptions, but he hasn’t been straight forward about where he stands with moving on from his last relationship. And I think I’ve learned enough about him to know that it isn’t because he’s trying to be deceptive or unfair, he is just really shy and hasn’t been single for a long time so he doesn’t know how to handle getting to know me.
So here’s where I can’t trust myself to make a decision. Part of me says don’t risk the rejection and mess, just walk away now and forget about it; go with the assumptions and conclude on my own that he’s not worth the time. And the other part says that I should learn to value straight forward communication and be honest with him, tell him how I feel and ask him how he’s really feeling. In that scenario at least I won’t be wondering, no matter what the outcome. I think I’ll be meditating on this one for another day or so. I suppose when I make a decision and trust it I’ll really feel that.
Overall this situation has brought to greater light the general issues that I have with relationships. No matter the situation or the guy I feel like I always do the wrong thing or don’t know what to do and therefore resort to inaction. How does one even learn to be better at these things?? 2 months ago
Today, I finally understand why I spent the past few years sabotaging myself. I have been a victim of my goddamn parents who spend their time bullying me calling me ugly, which I am not! Stupid which I am not either! and a loser which they made me beleive I was!
I isolated myself, lost the last few friends I had! All I have left id my bf. Which they try to bring down too! WTF!
I beleive I can do this!
I am going after my dreams.
I have always wanted to complete a degree in sciences but my inner soul has always dreamed of music.
ANd I am going after that dream! Be a jazz/ soul singer!
and get my degree in mathematics !
oh And detox my life of the people that have wasted my time! 2 months ago
I added this goal to my list because a few things have happened this week that made me realize how little faith I have in myself sometimes. And then I realized that I do this to myself far too often. I truly am my own worst enemy. Maybe there is a positive to that because I’m always challenging myself to do better, but at the same time I can also be too hard on myself. I’d like to get to a place where I can challenge myself but also believe in all my dreams without holding myself back. This is a goal that will require some baby steps I think. 2 months ago
p109 the sad are wise; & the pessimistic are accurate on knowledge/admission of degrees of control.
p110 memories of childhood are accurate. (Actually I was kina hoping I might be wrong on this.)
. 2 months ago
and soon to apply
Tony Robbins
Brian tracy. . . .
Lets go 2 months ago
