try to write a stand-up comedy routine

So, the other day i experienced a Seinfeld moment… have you ever seen the episode where Jerry walks into a bathroom and it smells like shit? Well heres what happened, i was at a restaurant the other day and i really had to pee, i walked into the bathroom and i was bombarded by an overwhelming stench… what was the stench may you ask? Yes you may, and here is the answer, the smell was poop!!! it smelled like poop in there.
i would have exited immediately but i had to go so bad that i was doing what my younger sister calls the “potty dance”, you know where you sway back and forth, cross your legs, jump up and down… ANYTHING to get your mind off the fact that you really have to go pee? so i decide to perservere and practice my backwards circular brathing, in through the mouth and out through the nose.
After i have done my business i am washing my hands and another woman walks in, and i can tell that she is thinking the same thing i was because her nose wrinkled and she was looking from left to right, sort of processing the situation. then we shared that awkward glance and smile combo that all strangers experience when they meet in a weird location…. as i am drying my hands, the Seinfeld episode jumped from my memory like a suprising and unwelcome visit from an annoying relative, if you have ever seen the episode you will know why the recollection is so bad… it is because it made me realize that this woman thought the smell was because of ME!!!!!!!!!
she thought i was the shitter, the person who stunk up the whole bathroom and its surrounding zip codes:( all i really wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs, “I JUST WENT PEE I SWEAR!!!”

Thanks so much for reading:) i have to write a stand up routine for a class and i just wanted to practice some of my material on an objective audience… so please give constructive criticism and let me know what you thought was and wasnt funny.

Intro
Ok im new..Hi my name is Chris I can not remember a fucking thing im 21 its bad I know I work in a nursing home and im worse then the clients when they say where are we…I say who are you?? Its that bad now.
But on a good note I love my job because its about care and helping others rather then helping your self. I meet so many people from all walks of live but its so fucking anoying..they are all deaf and have dementure so you have them walking round the building running into walls and falling into doors that side of it is hell One day I was helping a guy with his socks and he kicked me in the balls well at that point I fell on the floor and cryed for help good job they have emergency buzzers in rooms…
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>>>>>>> Thats as far as I have got so if you could tell me what your thoughts are that would be great !>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please comment to help me see if i should use it.

When I was young about 7 or 8 me and my dad were in the left turn lane and there was on a guy on a bike in the let turn lane but like in the bike lane right so anyway so the light turns green and so we are on the outside turn lane and there was a mini van in the inside lade so anyway the light turns green the mini van goes then we go and don’t forget about the bike and the lady in the mini van totally just mauls over the biker and then keeps going so my dad starts following the biker and she pulls into a parking lot and my dad follows her in so she walks out and my dad rolls down his wind and he says to her “do you know that you just hit a guy on a bike, and this ignorant lady says this “Ya, I know” and then she looks up at my dad and says “Is there a dent in my car?” true story I could not believe the ignorance of this lady, she ran over a guy on a bike and is more worried about the dent in her car than getting charges of hit and run, manslaughter, and on top of it all not worrying if the guy was going to sue her, but what she didn’t realize is that if she got sued she wouldn’t have enough money to fix the dent.

Please comment, please rate out of 5, thanks for taking time to read. :D

Please comment so I can know if it is safe to tell people with out humiliating my self and maybe turning it into part of a routine. :D

-Don’t u hate when u tell someone a story and they try to re tell it to someone else, while you are sitting right there and they totally over exaggerate the whole story. Especially women they are horrible for instance ill come home and tell my mom that I saw three police officers one was arresting a guy another was searching the car and one was on the radio, ok so mabye a few days later we will go over to someone’s house and well be talking and all the sudden we will start talking about police and my mom will start telling the story I told her but OMG shell tell it like this “So did hear Dylan was walking home from a friends house and all of the sudden three police cars come racing around the corner chasing somebody all of the sudden the person goes racing through an intersection and it runs in to a two a blazer and does a barrel roll then stops after running into a light post then the cops swarm and all three of the cops rip him out of the car throw him to the ground and while one cop is arresting him one of the cops is pulling out loads of drugs from his car while the third cop is calling for backup” I’m like what are you talking about all I said was I saw three cops and one was arresting him one was searching the car and one was on the radio. Do u know what she says to me, “Oh, sorry I forgot”

PLEASE COMMENT AND RATE WHAT YOU WOULD GIVE IT OUT OF 5. THANKS FOR TAKING TIME TO READ. :D

So i was signing up for an ebay account, should take 5 mins right? WRONG! i spent 45 frickin mins. on this signup. evrythings cool till i gt 2 that part wen there r those letters and #s… “Frick i didnt no this was gunna b a test…” So wut if i cant read or write i just wanna buy my vintage 99 aaron carter cd and by the time i do make it flippin “ur mommaschesthair” or wut evr other shenanigans ppl use as names these days has alredy bought it! gd… wuts evn the point of those? Are they aware that occasionaly terrorists, hackers, and republicans learn to read and write?
lol pleez tell me wut ya think!

{color:blue}_”wat hapens when you get fore blonds at a stop light?
an eturnity.”_

a blond walked into a electronics store and toled the clurk she wanted to by that tv. The clerk told her that he dident sele to blonds

OK so here I am, 53, still in school, hairdressing, in case this comedy thing doesn’t work. I see you all snickering, well that’s a start. People tell me I’m funny, but you know, people are just plain dumb sometime, they laugh at just about anything, so I figured being stand up would be easy. Excuse me, while I floss, I ate spinach for lunch and I think it is caught in my dental work. I always get caught flossing in public, people look at me disgusting, I don’t think it’s that bad, do you, it’s not any worse than picking your nose, I don’t to that, only in my car when I can flick, oh you all know all to well the flicker motion, even you soccer moms. OK I’ll be back, I know your disappointed, go masturbate till I return. That should keep you busy..

Here is a sample of my raw material for a potential routine. I will let you guys judge it and honestly tell me if it’s funny or not, because if you lie to me then how can I improve? Here goes: So, I signed up to be in the ‘Ms.Sfrican American Beauty Pagaent” but then they found out I wasn’t a Ms. They sent to the Male Pagaent, “Black is Beautiful”......
Never ask for directions in New York City. I wa up there the other day and got lost so I walked into Abu’s Thrift Store to ask for directions. It was so bad, the clerk robbed me! “Give all your big, fat American Mooney! Now buy a Slurpee!”...

[That’s a sample. There is more if you want to hear more.]