be a great mommy

I want my kids to know how much I love them. I always will. I want to be the best mommy I can. I have a 3 1/2 year old a 1 1/2 year old and a newborn!! I hope to be forever in the hearts of my kids. I want to be the one true stable thing in the lives of my babies.

I want my baby to always know how much I love him and that he can come to me with ANYTHING regardless of what it is. I want him to grow up into a well-rounded, respectful, honest, human being that knows Jesus.

I loved my parents. We really didn’t have much, but I never went without anything I NEEDED. I knew that my parents loved me too, but I want my son to FEEL that we love him…without a shadow of a doubt. I also want to ALWAYS be there for my son. Can’t really say that about my mother, but I always had someone…Dad sometimes and my grandparents ALWAYS. My mother committed sucide when I was fourteen…the prime time a girl needs her mom. She swore she would never do it, because her mother had done the same to her. I wondered for awhile if I too would follow this “family curse” but have come to know that life is all about choices. I choose to be here…no matter how hard it gets. Suck it up! I chose to get pregnant and bring this miracle into the world..the least I can do is see it through. I’m selfish! I want all the time I can get with him. I do know that depression is an illness and that when thinking of suicide it just seems like the most logical answer..yeah, yeah, yeah. My mother chose. She chose to make it easy for herself…no one else. I don’t care what a persons’ notes might say or how they justify it. They chose to take the easy road, leaving those who cared to just deal with whats left. That’s the difference between my selfishness and hers. I want my son to have me there for everything he wants me there for. I want it to be his choice, not mine. I don’t want him to go through life wondering what he could have done to help or why I didn’t love him enough to try a little harder. I want him to know that I’m proud, but not so worried about what everyone would say when they found out I checked myself into a hosptial or went to get counseling. How easy it would be for me to just decide I didn’t want to do it anymore and end it all! I love him too much to just leave him with questions that he would never get the answers to…what could I have done, was I a good enough son, why didn’t she love me, will I end up the same way? Thank God, he’ll never have to deal with all of that. I’m going to be here until God decides it’s my time to go…until then, I’m going to tell him I love him everyday. I’m going to make sure that he gets plenty of hugs and kisses. I’m going to let him know that I will always love him, no matter how much I might disagree with the decisions he makes. After all, life’s about choices, and I choose to live, laugh, and love.