start over

I’m sad over some things that have recently happened, but I’m trying not to dwell on it. It’s so hard though. I’m really hoping that I can land a job soon. I think once I have a job, I will feel validated. Right now being unemployed, I feel so useless. Having a job will be a fresh start.

how can one “start over?” isn’t that what we do all our lives?? continually start over?? i thought that was how it’s done. we just live our lives: run down paths, turn corners, mess up, make nice, wash, rinse, and repeat. maybe life is all about starting over, every day. and then starting over on all our previous starting overs. so how can i “start over”? when i do this mentally, physically, and emotionally every day? maybe it’s done. maybe real starting overs can only happen if you change zip codes, and no one else had memorys that prescede any change that may occur with you. maybe that’s it. i dunno. i’m considering taking this off the list.

It’s tough to start over but there’s something nice about that feeling of a clean slate and a new beginning. You can’t change the past, but you can decide the future.

This past year has been a disaster in so many ways. Yes there were good things that happened too, but of course the negatives always outweigh the bad. It’s almost the one-year anniversary of when it all began. I know that I’m resentful for a lot but it’s hard to let it all go. But I want to start over and just forget all the bad stuff and make a new life for me & my husband.

of packing up my shit… heading somewhere near a coastline… ending up where no one knows me… and starting fresh. Kind of like the witness protection program, without the fear of getting taken out.

I’ve been on 43T since 2006. I deleted one account when I was disgruntled, then promptly created a new user profile and started again. After leaving my account virtually untouched for almost a year, I felt the need to reconnect here. But going through my old profile and old goals seemed too overwhelming. So I’m starting again, with new goals, new ideas, and hopefully a new perspective on me :)

I guess there are different ways to change one’s life and start over. I used to be the little, kind girl who always did everything right and tried to please everyone. I was always just sitting in my own little box of a world without even knowing it, and things started to grow darker, slowly.
In the end I was so deep down in my depression that I didn’t manage to get out of bed in the morning and get to school. To make things better, I sought help. After some months I moved out of my parents house, got a job beside school and basically just started over again.
It feels like my life cannot get any better right now, but still I need to work on my way of thinking, in a way. Go deep within myself and start over. It’s really about time now.

when things are just hard for no reason, when the hardness gets uncontrollable and in the way of everything that is positive and alive and wonderful. I’ve been through phases like this before, and I know they don’t last forever. They end, and positivity flows in like a big cold refreshing wave. I’ve tried (and failed) to do what I can think of to dig myself out of this patch for good, but if all I am doing is staying on top of things just enough to ride it out until it ends by itself then that’ll do. I feel hopeful now that the clouds will be moving on soon…

I’ve cleaned out my closet, and my room, sold the remains at a flea market, and I want to do more. I recently broke up with someone who loved me lots, but I couldn’t return the feeling. I needed a break. I don’t love him, but I still want to be close to him. I am. He tells me “You’ve broken my heart many times, I want to die. Stop building me up and then breaking my heart.” Apparently I’ve done that without knowing. I’m so scared. So I’ve said my Sorry’s, and deleted ALL his texts to me, ALL our conversations. It’s time for him to meet me again. It’s a new me. I’m also cleaning up my personality. I want to be nicer and kinder, and stop hurting.

I went from a unfailing,devoted,doting, army wife to being a single mom again going through another divorce.
Why is it so difficult for people to tell the truth, have integrity,live honestly? Even now that everything is all said & done i still don’t understand it all.
Now I am needing to start over with my son. with really no idea of where to go & what to do. I am wanting to work from home so I can take my job where ever we happen to live. I’m not really looking to have my own business, because that takes money to start. I have been reading & researching since July08.In this process I have learned a lot & lost a bit of money along the way.I am hoping that by posting this blog. that someone who reads this, just might need someone, & would want to employ me. I don’t have much. All I have a my computer,my cell phone, & the want to, to learn if I happen to not know how. All I am asking for is a chance.I am needing something ASAP, for we are at a place that is only temporary.We are pesently in Washington. Ulimatelly I want to end up in Oregon.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.