learn how to keep from burning the candle at both ends

I don’t think I’ve learned how to maintain balance that allows one to not burn the candle at both ends. It just seems that sometimes balance comes, and sometimes it just does not.

Right now, I feel balanced. I commute to work (1 hour each way) a minimum of 2 days per week. However, depending on my research for the day, I can work from home the rest of the week. Or, I might have to go in. Right now, that’s on a daily basis and I can’t see too far into the future exactly which days which week I will commute.

Reducing my commuting days may not seem like much, but by staying home, I get the same, if not more, research work done, plus then, I get some housework done, some relaxation done, and some alone time not driving—somehow that does not count. Alone time is hard to get when you work in an office space with 6 other people, and are also a mom and wife.

I am not teaching this semester, which accounts for a lot less stress. I can spend that extra time on research. I’m supposed to spend about 50 hours per week doing research. Which really means that I can follow a task until its end or a good stopping point instead of not being interrupted or not starting because I know I can’t finish.

I do have an important oral exam this semester that I am worried about. I have been working on it since last October in fits and starts. But, I can spend more time working on it right now, which seems okay. Unfortunately, some work on it has to occur at work. But, for instance, yesterday afternoon I had planned to work on it. Unfortunately, I could not because issues came up with my research and I was distracted by the things at work that can distract me. Before I knew it, I was leaving late and still no work done on it.

But overall, I do not feel spread too thin right now. I feel like I can complete my tasks in a quality manner and my head does not feel like I am missing important things like sleep and comfort and turn off time.

So, really, I haven’t accomplished this goal at all, I’ve just fallen into a better mode for the time being.

How I am not good to myself:

1. I do not trust myself.

2. I do not put myself first, and when I try to, I am fought by others and get feelings of guilt.

3. I do share my feelings, generally. (good)

4. I do express my opinions. (good)

5. I do not value my thinking. I think I make bad decisions, and I cave to the way others think too often.

6. I do not take the time and space I need, especially when others want something from me.

7. I don’t think I talk myself out of things I need. But, maybe I do. (?)

8. I don’t let someone know when I am scared. I do have a friend that we have recently been discussing our fears, so that is good.

9. I run away instead of letting myself feel scared.

10. I do let myself be angry. (good)

11. I could think about what would be comforting when I am sad.

12. I do tell people when they have hurt me. (good)

13. I take responsibility for making other people happy, and I cannot do that.

14. I do prioritize my work. (good)

15. I do ask other people for something if I need something from them. (good)

16. I don’t ask for help.

17. I am self-centered, in that if someone says no to me, I think it is about me, and it is not. It is usually about them.

So, when I was super stressed out in college (my memere died the day before classes started, I was taking a full+ load, and my room-mates boyfriend committed suicide outside our window 3 weeks after classes started) my mother gave me a little book called Stress Therapy by Tom McGrath. Feeling stressed out this semester, I’ve been sharing these little thoughts with a friend. I don’t do them daily, but as close to it as possible. Half-way through this book, this is what I have learned (again):

1. I don’t have a fundamental faith that all is right with the world. Apparently, if you do believe this, you’ll be less stressed out.

2. I respond poorly to stress, so it has a high impact on my life.

3. I move too fast. I do too many things.

4. I magnify my fears into catastrophes.

5. While I accept life will never be stress-free, I am not graceful about the ups and downs life throws my way.

6. I need a different attitude towards stress.

7. I am too self-reliant. I need to learn to know what I need from others and when to ask for it.

8. I have little compassion for myself.

9. I suffer from chronic negative self-talk. No surprise, I have a whole entry regarding this and my body. Actually, I think I’m doing much better on this because I don’t do it too badly in other areas of my life.

10. I constantly try to please others. Hmm… I think my husband may say this is not true, but then I am guilted when I try to do something for myself.

11. I need to establish and use stress relieving techniques. I actually do have several of these: a whirlpool bath, cuddling with DH, reading a book, watching a movie, Ladies Who Latte, scrapbooking (with friends is better). I try to use these, but sometimes time does not allow.

12. I do actually do one of these: Take deep breaths. I do this. I did it during my RUI with the whole room of people watching when I lost my place!

13. I have no time to do things for other people. Honestly, this entry is something I think would stress me out more. It would put constraints on already limited time and I don’t think I would feel less stressed, only irritated. I used to do more for others, but I am taking a “do things for others” break right now. I’ll do it again when I am feeling up to it.

14. I need more rest! I stay up too late and need to get up early. According to some people 5 or 6 hours a night is enough sleep, but I don’t do well under those circumstances, especially for prolonged period of time.

15. I don’t forgive well: others, nor myself. I think I actually do better with others than myself. I believe in forgiving and forgetting, but I have a sticky aura and things stay there. I do try for others. I don’t think I even try for myself. This is one of my spirals towards depression is a lack of forgiveness for myself.

16. This one I am going to act on: I have recently realized that I am not in touch with my deepest beliefs (often I outright ignore them). I don’t live according to my values. I am going to (soon!) write a list of values and beliefs and do my best to live them. There are a couple things I have been sketchy on lately that I’m finally realizing I do think are wrong and I don’t know what I am not standing up against them in my own life.

17. I do have an attitude of gratitude. I am thankful for the blessings in my life and every prayer I ever say I always say at least one or more of those blessings and give thanks to God for them.

There are a total of 35 of these. I may break this into smaller bits. Maybe an entry on each one would be a better route than on 17.

My life is chaos. I know how to keep from burning the candle at both ends, but I don’t really know how to actually do it without basically cutting out my own time for relaxation and fun. :(

I’ll make a whiny entry that lists all my obligations another time. Just thought I really needed to add this goal. Because if I wait until I’m done with grad school, I either won’t finish or it will be years before my candle is set right again.